Parker isn’t entertainingly bad like Crank or The Transporter 1 through 3. It’s just bad. Bad acting, bad plot, bad villains, bad heroes, and a bad-ass car.
Jason Statham is made of rage and speaks like he’s reading the instruction manual for setting up a Freeview box. Naturally neither of these things elevate Parker to the lofty heights of, say, The Mechanic; and make for the most mind-numbing 118 minutes of your life that you will never get back.
Do Elephants Pray? No. Or maybe yes. There aren’t actually any elephants praying in this film, but the question is debated. For a bit. In between a trippy journey of self-discovery and one man’s seemingly endless journey to bed a hot French chick. Seriously, there is something about the meaning of life explained somewhere in this movie; and if you can take your eyes off the stunning and enchanting leading lady Julie Dray for a couple of seconds; you’ll find it.
The Attacks of 26/11 is not, I repeat NOT, a documentary; but a dramatisation of real attacks that happened in Mumbai in 2008. ‘Drama’ is the key word, here. Showy and histrionic; this film’s heart is in the right place; but it doesn’t quite manage to create the edge-of-your-seat terror one would expect from a film based on such horrific events.
Donnie Yen is Jet Li 15 years ago. A feat of martial arts engineering yet to be discovered by the mainstream masses. So when someone tells you to go check out the new film by Peter Ho-Sun Chan (the mastermind behind Bodyguards and Assassins and The Warlords) featuring Donnie Yen, you do so with a certain skip in your step. You don’t expect to come out the other side on a stumble, feeling just a little disappointed while still pleasantly surprised. Confused? Let me explain…
Oz: the Great and Powerful, the prequel to 1939’s The Wizard of Oz that everyone has been clamouring for these past 70-odd years (ahem), is most surprising in that it’s nowhere near the mess it promised to be. Luridly colourful and garish, but filled with likable performances and some excellent 3D. But while it may not be a total mess, but that’s not to say that it isn’t still wildly inconsistent at times.
The latest fairy tale movie-on-the-block is Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters; a gory, mindless re-telling and continuation of the Grimm brothers’ original folk tale. Strangely, it can never quite work out if it’s written for adults or children, incorporating a dull and simplistic script with a random splattering of heavy cursing and limbs being ripped apart from bodies. It’s an odd one, Hansel and Gretel may be at its best during the action but it’s still all thoughtless and long-winded.
A cluster of explosions and a lot of macho male bonding makes the fifth Die Hard film, A Good Day To Die Hard, look like the perfect addition to an extremely successful franchise. But thanks to director John Moore and writer Skip Woods, this is a forgettable addition to in a long line of hitherto legendary action films, doomed to disappoint fans and numb newcomers to the films accordingly.
Aging thespian and hardnut Sylvester Stallone returns – whether we want him to or not – as the lead in Bullet to the Head; an action-packed thriller originally based on a French graphic novel. Better late than never, some might say. But is it? Is Bullet to the Head really a worthy return for our Rocky hero? Haven’t we seen it all before; the flying bullets, the incessant one-liners, the box-shaped man with the steroid-fuelled arms?