“When one story ends, another begins” is the strapline for After the Wizard. Catchy, and often true, but that doesn’t make the story it accompanies any good. Here’s another quote for you: “Property of Breaking Glass Pictures”.You can keep it, mate.

Really? OK – Battle of the Pacific is a dreary WWII yarn sold to me by Best For Film as a ‘Martin Sheen war drama’, which is true if you take ‘Martin Sheen’ to mean ‘Daniel Baldwin’ and ‘war drama’ to mean ‘fiasco’. Running at a good two hours that feel like a bad three, I only made it to the end by turning the sound down and practicing my ukulele as I waited eagerly for the bad news from Hiroshima – and before you mount your moral high horse, just try sitting through Battle of the Pacific yourself and then tell me you don’t want to see people die.

What’s your favourite Len Wiseman movie? Before you do yourself an injury trying to weigh the cons and cons of Underworld and Die Hard 4, let me put you out of your misery: as of August 29th, 2012, the answer will be Total Recall. Heck, it might even be your film of the summer. And believe me, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

In 2006, unofficially-crowned Worst Director of All Time Uwe Boll made an action-fantasy video-game adaptation (of the Dungeon Siege games) called In The Name Of The King. It cost $60million, starred Jason Statham and Ron Perlman, and boasted supporting turns from Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds. It made less than $14million and has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4%. Now, six years later, he’s made a sequel. Super.

Matt Smith (yes, Doctor Who) and Eva Green (yes, Eva Green) made this in 2010. Originally called Womb, it had to be rebranded as Clone for the UK DVD release. The story of a woman who clones and gives birth to her dead boyfriend, you’d think this would be amazing sci-fi, or at least amazingly bad, but in fact it’s just a beautifully shot, but painfully dull story, lacking the gross factor, the sci-fi factor or even the moral debate about the concept of cloning factor. Matt Smith is great though.

Ball-achingly slow, utterly pointless and with a completely inexplicable ending, The Paranormal Incident is a glossy, shining example of exactly what not to do with $3million and a camera. You could have made some really nice, 1080p HD hardcore porn with that sort of budget; it probably would have been better-scripted, better-shot and better-acted than this steaming pile of puerile garbage.

A Tarantino-style Spanish romp which veers wildly between harrowing violence and hilarious gutter-humour, Neon Flesh is by no means a comfortable viewing experience. With a shining cast and a cracking soundtrack, this totally classless 100-minute bloodbath, against the odds, manages to strike just the right note; Neon Flesh is an unusual portrayal of poverty, parenthood and perversion that affects you far more by the end than you thought it would in the beginning.

Ten years on from Men in Black II and an astonishing 15 years after the original film (are we all really that old?), Agents K. J and, err, K again are back onscreen for a third and possibly last outing. It may be a poor imitation of the genre-defining original, but fans will find plenty to enjoy in this inoffensive threequel.

If you’re walking into this film expecting Alien: 2012 think again. Prometheus is a grandiose but significantly flawed film; underpinned by a vastly ambitious concept that is, in many ways, its undoing. Featuring a stellar central performance from Michael Fassbender and built upon some stunning, imaginative visuals, Prometheus nonetheless manages to feel bloated, confused and – dare I say it – even a little naff at times. But its unusual, heartfelt approach – there is no doubt that this was a labour of love for Ridley Scott – and attempts at tackling some of the universal questions make it uncommon viewing.

James Huth’s French language Western is big, colourful and deeply silly. Sitting somewhere between Blazing Saddles and the Milky Bar adverts, Lucky Luke has all the right ingredients but none of the structure or depth to support itself as anything other than a cartoonish comedy. But with a cast boasting the likes of Jean Dujardin (in the days before he was George Valentin), and a whole lot of silly gags, you might find Lucky Luke a fun way to spend a couple of hours.