BFF’s Kill List
Everyone’s gone mental for the latest hit-man horror Kill List, and it’s inspired a general feeling of bloodlust at Best for Film. Let’s face it, there are some people in film that the world would be far better off without. They could be talentless and vapid (*cough* MEGAN FOX *cough*), or they could be smugly self-aware (JAMES FRANCO). Maybe they like to pretend they’re ambassadors for Every Good Cause Ever (Are you listening, Jolie?) or maybe they lie outright about the extent of their charity work. Sean Penn: We’re looking at you.
So what if the BFF gals (and John) were given carte blanche, and were allowed to roam the streets of Hollywood, machete in hand? Here is your favourite Hit Girls (and Hit John)’s Kill List:
Codename: Dry Biscuit
Target: Daniel Radcliffe
Daniel Radcliffe is at the top of my Kill List. As the little boy who single-handedly mutilated the most popular and magical children’s book series ever written, I think he could do with a little mutilation himself.
When first cast as Harry Potter, we all cooed at the weedy, grimacing Radcliffe in his over-sized robes and had high hopes, but harboured a secret dread for this casting. By the final instalment of Potters, the casting agency must have been looking back with regret and guilt at their choice. Little Daniel hadn’t grown into those robes and was as weedy and grimacing as ever. Am I really supposed to believe that such an anaemic looking child saved the world from the demise promised it by the Dark Lord? To add insult to injury, he is now set to defecate on The Woman in Black, the fantastically dark West-end classic.
There are many forms of torture one could inflict with a wand, without using any spells. I’d finish him off by having Hedwig peck away at his internal organs until he begged for Avada Kedavra.
Codename: Karaoke Bandit
Target: Megan Fox
Megan Fox deserves that infernal pout (that she deems acting) wiped off her face. With a chainsaw. Thankfully she hasn’t really ruined any films for me, on account of her popping up in pretty dire films to begin with. But she still has the face of a douche. Oh, and to those spurt nonsense like “she’s the most beautiful woman in the world… aside from my mum”, just try looking into those cold inhuman eyes while you’re doing the dirty. I wanna see this bitch burn Salem style. I shall look on in smug satisfaction as her plastic face melts into a talentless puddle.
Codename: Lucas Loon
Target: Kristen Stewart
If you really won’t let me take out Justin Bieber, I’m fired up for the blood of Kristen Stewart. Why? Firstly and obviously, there’s that little irritation in my life called the never-ending Twilight movie franchise. And secondly…
“Ooh, I’m Kristen Stewart and my entire acting skills depend on me furrowing my brow, talking in a dull monotone and going ‘um’ a lot. I also love to waltz onto the red carpet with greasy hair, an ill-fitting sack dress and call my fans retards. And I like to pretend I’m dating RPattz because, hey, I need extra inches in the gossip columns to feed my massive craving for instant pathetic fame. I don’t NEED to hit up an acting school, make an effort for the glitzy events or even try to be gracious about my success. Nah, that sort of impeccable behaviour, style and performance is for legends like Kate Winslet. God, I wish I could be one millionth as cool as Kate Winslet… but I never will be, because I’m an idiot.”
I’d be doing the world a favour if I bumped off K-Stew. Or, at the very least, I’d never be asked to write a fashion piece on her again which is, in my mind, just as worthy a cause. And how would I do it? I say we sneak into her trailer, stab her in the heart with a wooden stake (a bit of original vampire legend that didn’t make it into Twilight, you’ll notice), cut her up and feed her to wolves. I’ll keep her head though, just so I can wash her hair before the burial. I’m not completely heartless, after all…
Codename: Catholic Guilt
Target: Ryan Reynolds
Ryan Reynolds. Frankly, I’m sick of being told that I’m supposed to fancy Ryan Reynolds. Does no-one realize that Ryan Reynolds is, effectively, the Cat in the Hat?
Except, hang on, wasn’t MIKE MYERS in that movie?
Look, it’s not that Ryan Reynolds strikes me as being a horrible person; I would just frankly prefer a world where he didn’t exist. For one thing, the world seems to view him as being a legitimate actor, like worthy of our respect, and junk. WHY did he get this title? HOW HAS HE PROVEN HIMSELF? Was it Just Friends? Or Van Wilder? Or was it – the far more likely option – the fact that he was married to Scarlett Johansson for all of ten minutes? I feel like Ryan Reynolds waited until no-one was looking in Hollywood, and then just side-stepped his way onto the red carpet, hoping no-one would notice. Well good call, Reynolds, because you continue to make idiotic tripe like Fireflies in the Garden, and get away with it because you have the shoulders for a tux. And now you’re here, in the public eye, taking up all the pop culture with your vacant grin, beady eyes and MASSIVE HEAD.
I’m sorry, Reynolds. I’ve had enough of your pretending. I’m going to mow you down in a car, because that’s how you killed your mum in Fireflies in the Garden. Probably. Who even remembers that movie, anyway?
Codename: Identifier Unsexual
Target: Steve Kloves
Now this might seem like a strange option, considering people like Katherine Heigl, Mel “whoopsie” Gibson and the entire cast and crew of 3D Sex And Zen are up for bloodsoaked grabs, but my victim of choice is screenwriter Steve Kloves.
Mainly because I genuinely believe he is the reason behind people (stupid people like Lydia) hatin’ all over the utterly affable Daniel Radcliffe. Kloves is single-handedly responsible for the critical failure of the Harry Potter franchise – honestbots he is. His scripts are SO UTTERLY DREADFUL that it’s a wonder even the British Greats like Maggie Smith and Michael Gambon came out the other side of his words un-ruined. When he’s not vomiting clunky exposition all over David Yates’ lovely sets, he’s forcing his poor actors to say things like “You did, didn’t you?” “Did what?” “Did *insert action person couldn’t possibly have known they were referring to*” “oh right, yeah I did”. You turned a nation against little Danny R. And for that, you die by his sword. And at no point will you force him into terrible dialogue while he’s maiming.
Codename: Angler and Jangler
Target: Jude Law
I would like to kill Jude Law, because he’s a fundamentally talentless twat who’s done nothing but spawn illegitimate children on unsuitable wenches for at least a decade. Specifically, I plan to make a papier-mâché mācuahuitl from his own child support documentation, line it with shards of his DVDs (that fucking Alfie remake will do nicely) and then bludgeon him in his cheating, untrustworthy penis until he collapses and dies from catastrophic blood loss. Bish bash bosh.