We got really, really excited at the prospect of writing up a blog about all the lovely Christmas movies coming out this festive season. You’re probably quite looking forward to reading all about them. So believe me, it’s horrible to have to let you down. You see, there aren’t really any Christmas films this year.

Yep. It seems hard to believe, but there it is: this December, the only Christmas-themed film playing in England and Wales is Rare Exports, an odd Finnish confection about hunters capturing an evil, feral Santa Claus. Lovely.

But fear not! Even if there aren’t any explicitly Christmassy films doing the rounds this year (presumably people are still recovering from A Christmas Carol), your local gigaplex can still provide plenty of treats with which to soothe your higher brain functions into helpless CGI-induced lethargy. So here they are! Our top five Christmas picks to satisfy every member of your undoubtedly fractious household.

A Christmas film for dad:

Tron: Legacy

The original Tron, which was largely acted out on a darkened sound stage, completely revolutionised the world of visual effects with the most extraordinary CGI ever seen. In fact, it was considered so outré that it was denied a nomination for Best Special Effects at the 1982 Oscars on the grounds that the makers had ‘cheated’ with their unprecedented use of computers. Needless to say, 28 years is a long time in cinema – expect Tron: Legacy to be a visual feast of impossible radiance and neon-tastic splendour, of the sort that would have blown the young Jeff Bridges’ face out of his arse. We don’t even care about the story.

 

A Christmas film for mum:

Little Fockers

We’re still not sure whether Ben Stiller should have returned to the Focker fold for this, the third film chronicling the adventures of accident-prone Gaylord and his ex-CIA father-in-law. Expect offensively cute children, fish-eye cameras hidden inside every teddy bear and a proliferation of puns – there are only a couple of four-letter words which haven’t yet been explored, so you should probably brace yourself for a new character introduced solely because their name sounds like ‘shit’. It’s still painful to watch Bobby and Dustin mug at the camera, but there should be a few laughs – or failing that, at least you can nap.

 

A Christmas film for the kids (5-10):

Megamind

It’s been a good few years for cinematic superheroism, but Megamind looks set to redefine the genre. Brad Pitt and Will Ferrell voicing Superman-esque aliens who end up on Earth and promptly start battering each other? Check. Jonah Hill as a hapless cameraman-turned-supervillain? Check. A fish in a suit of powered armour? Check. Tina Fey? Check. Ben Stiller? Check. High drama it may not be, but Megamind looks like it may be that rarest of beasts, a film for youngish kids which manages to be enjoyable rather than endurable for the adults. AND it’s scored by Hans Zimmer and Lorne Balfe! Unmitigated win.

 

A Christmas film for the kids (11-16):

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

After the relatively dismal showing of Prince Caspian, it wasn’t certain that the seven-film Narnia series would continue – even kids are liable to notice poorly-disguised Christian allegories if they watch one every Christmas for their entire formative span, after all – but here they are with a chronologically-inaccurate third instalment. Hopefully, boys of a certain age will still be transfixed by the swords and so on and girls will still coo over Reepicheep, but we recommend going along just so you can shout “What, like JESUS?” every time Aslan does anything at all. Oh, and apparently there are lightsabers this time.

 

A Christmas film for all the family:

Gulliver’s Travels

We know, we know. It’s bad form to be excited about anything Jack Black does these days, given his recent form – and we’re not sure Jonathan Swift would approve of this treatment of Travels into Several Remote Nations of the World, in Four Parts. By Lemuel Gulliver, First a Surgeon, and then a Captain of several Ships. Furthermore, the oddly fetishistic advertising for the film has shown almost nothing but Jack Black being tied down by Lilliputians, an event which only takes up about one page of the book. But we still haven’t forgotten School of Rock – we say he gets one more chance. Fingers crossed.

If these Christmas movies coming out in 2010 fail to delight, you may find more plum pudding delight in the following scribblings:

Top 10 Classic Christmas Movies.

Christmas Gift Guide For Film Fans

J’accuse: Christmas Films

What you’ll be watching this Christmas… whether you want to or not