Friday Drinking Game #41: American high-school comedies
With the imminent release of found-footage-high-school-comedy hybrid Project X, people may start paying a little bit of attention to this chronically uninventive genre. That’s not to say that Project X is particularly inventive. In fact, it’s appealing precisely because it embraces the hedonism at high school, while pretty much saying ‘fuck the consequences’. And that’s the spirit in which you should approach this drinking game, which takes a fond look at just how ridiculously samey and predictable American high-school comedies are.
To really embrace this game, your alcohol should be limited to beer. A couple of crates of it. And they can’t be the big manly cans we’re used to here in the UK. For this game you’ll have to track down a shop that sells beer in those shitty Coca-Cola-sized cans or stumpy little bottles that Americans seem so fond of. Oh, and you’ll have to make a beer bong, because nothing says American high-school flick like a BEER BONG, MOTHERFUCKERS. Now pull up your socks and whip out your cocks, because this is gonna be one helluva party. YEAH!
Take one gulp whenever:
A guy drops off a girl at her house, says something along the lines of ‘Well, this is it,’ tries to kiss the girl, but she rejects him then says something along the lines of ‘I had a really nice night, but let’s take things slowly.’
God, girls are so fucking frigid aren’t they? Let’s drink to that.
A guy gets laughed or frowned off by a girl after delivering an awful chat-up line.
For some reason, modern-day women prefer to be charmed by mundane complements like ‘You have nice eyes’, rather than infinitely more legendary ice-breakers like ‘Suck me, beautiful’ (American Pie) or Hey, hey, hey, baby. What do you say?’ (American Graffiti). Come to think of it, they’re probably legendary for how crap they are.
A guy gets hit in the balls
Whether it’s a stray football, a gymnastics attempt gone wrong, or an angry midget, a guy getting hit in the balls is a reliable way to get cheap laughs out of the audience. Why this is funnier than, say, a guy breaking a leg or cutting an artery is beyond me.
Take two gulps whenever:
A nerdy kid gets tripped up in the school corridor and then fumbles around trying to gather his books while everyone laughs at him.
What a cruel world we’re living in when this is apparently such an everyday thing that just about every high-school film shows this. Still, laugh along with the crowd like the bastard you are and take two big greedy gulps of Bud.
Muscly guys joke around in the ‘locker room’ after ‘practice’.
Whipping each other with towels, making quips about faggots and bitches, laughing at kids with oversized bellies, undersized penises and cancer (probably). Yep, most American dudes are fucking dicks, and you’re going to get very pissed as a result.
A kid sitting in a classroom looks out the window and is distracted by a friend of his/pretty girl/serial killer standing in the distance. The teacher then asks the kid to repeat back what was just being said and is publicly humiliated for his ignorance.
This always happens in these kinds of films, and yet it’s never happened to me. Is it an American thing, or have am I such a loner that I’ve never had people coming up to windows to distract me? In fairness, I did get publicly humiliated in class, so I’m not completely out of the loop.
Whenever anyone hits a beer bong
Presumably due to a drought in Class A drugs and other considerably more fun substances, opening up your throat to fill your stomach with a whole can of fizzing beer in 2 seconds is some kind of cool status symbol at high-school parties. Well, now you get to see what all the fuss is about, as everyone around you shouts ‘BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG.’
When the quiet kid at school comes in one day armed with a handgun and goes on a murderous rampage.
Hang on, that doesn’t happen in the movies…
Whenever there’s a plot point that’s too complex to understand
These films are simple and predictable enough even for the good-looking but thick as shit school jock to understand. So it looks like I’ve just saved you from having to do another filthy beer bong, unless you’re an idiot, in which case ‘BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG.’
DUDE, I’M SO FUCKING WASTED. I THINK I’M GONNA BARF.
You feel bloated, your head’s spinning, and your stomach is turning from a cocktail of beer, nachos and pizza. This is good! Because in the spirit of all good high-school films, you have to puke, and you have to do it somewhere inappropriate. Your options are as follows:
a) All over the nearest household pet.
b) In a girl’s mouth as you’re kissing her.
c) Off a balcony on someone’s head.
d) Into something of sentimental value, such as an urn containing someone’s grandmother’s ashes.