Last time we decided to get sozzled at the movies, we got ultra melancholy and contemplate the end of the world. This time round, we’re more into saving the world. Well, watching men save the world. Men. In black. MEN IN BLACK! What do the Men In Black drink? We wish we knew – they’re just so motherfucking mysterious. If we were to hazard a guess, we’d imagine it’d be something like an Alien Brain Haemorrhage – Peach Schnapps, Bailey’s Irish Cream and Grenadine Syrup, all stacked up to look like an utterly mental aneurysm.

So grab your space-based alcholic bevvy of choice and Men In Black, Parts I-II; it’s time to get properly sozzled…

 

Take one sip…

Whenever Will Smith does something reckless

Agent J is a rookie. He’s also reckless. It’s a little bit like they just slapped a suit on any old guy from West Philadelphia, handed him a gun and set him loose upon the world with a secret identity. We bet his mom wishes she could send him to his aunty and uncle in Bel Air now. Not that they’d remember him after he got all his fingerprints erased. Humans can only identify loved ones by their fingerprints, after all…

Whenever Tommy Lee Jones gets annoyed after Will Smith does something reckless

Tommy Lee Jones KNEW that Will Smith was a reckless bastard; he watched him send a bullet through little Tiffany’s head during initial MIB training. And, despite that, he still rolls his eyes expressively every single time Agent J causes a little bitta mayhem. Well, you know what Agent K? Will gets the job done. You end up in a post office wearing nothing but a pair of scratchy cotton shorts and a frown. Who’s the real loser here?

Whenever someone has their memory erased

Make these VERY little sips; a lot of people get their memories erased in this film. In fact, some unlucky buggers get zapped twice in one go (here’s looking at you, hot morgue assistant!) – plus, the more you sip alongside those flashes, you’ll be able to do some serious damage to your own recollections of the evening as well. IT’LL BE LIKE YOU’RE IN THE FRIGGING MOVIE!

 

Take two sips…

Whenever being disfigured in any way is an indicator of inhumanity

I mean, seriously? Seriously guys? We know Disney gave Quasimodo shit in The Hunchback Of Notre Dame and, sure, the Ugly Sisters weren’t exactly the winners in Cinderella. But even Walt “I Hate The Outsiders” Disney didn’t treat the ugly guys as badly as you do. Big nose? Alien. Too tall? Alien. Too short? Alien. Michael Jackson? Well… we’ll give you that one. But the point remains that you’ve got the exact same mindset as Regina George. All hail the Mean Girls In Black.

Whenever Will Smith says “DAMN!”

Again, I suggest you make these ones iddy-biddy, teeny-weeny sips; Agent J pretty much says “damn!” to everything.

Whenever someone puts their sunglasses on

Now I don’t know about you guys, but my sunglasses tend to let me see things through them. Just, you know, in a slightly shadier fashion – hence the colloquialism of ‘shades’. So do all sunglasses work against the memory flashy-light thing or do they have to have a super-high UV filter? Or are they utterly opaque pieces of black glass? Too many questions – just… just drink. Drink your way outta the situation.

Whenever someone says a letter of the alphabet

In fact, why not take a sip every time you want to puzzle over what all of those letters mean. Oh SURE, we know Agent K is Kevin and Agent J is James… but what about Agent Z? Is it an inherited title along the lines of James Bond’s boss M, or is the dude called Zebediah?

 

Take three sips…

Whenever Earth is under threat

I hope you’re feeling thirsty Agents. In these films, Earth is ALWAYS at threat! Whether it’s the Arquillians having a hissy fit or the Kylothians stomping their feet, there’s always an alien force hellbent on our destruction. In fact, even when we’re not watching these films, Earth is under threat – ever heard of global warming? Sip away and let the alcohol numb your sense of dislocation and terror.

Whenever Will Smith is left heartbroken

Will Smith is, despite his rockin’ hot bod, pretty unlucky in love. The only way he can forge a relationship with a gal is by promising not to mind-wipe her (what a prince!) and, despite that, they tend to leave him anyway. Laurel hangs about for a while, but things get so bad that she decides she preferred life with the dead bodies at the local morgue. And LAURA (nice bitta variety on the name front there, writers!) makes up some bullshit excuse about having to return to Planet Zartha. Whatever. We bet they just got tired of hearing him say “damn!” after every sexual encounter…

Whenever something unassuming is a creature of great power

Cats have the key to the galaxy around their necks, bugs are powerful assassins with an inferiority complex, fast-food waitresses are alien royalty, the Statue of Liberty is a ginormous Neuralyzer, dogs talk more sense than most of the kids hanging around on the street corner… you get the picture.

 

PULL OUT YOUR STANDARD ISSUE NEURALYZER AND CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Whenever Will Smith makes this look good

Will Smith makes e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g look good, doesn’t he? Whether he’s donned what is, essentially, funeral attire, is covered head-to-toe in Bug slime or, you know, is just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and shooting some b-ball outside of the school, he’s the King of looking DAMN good. Then again, anyone standing next to crinkly-faced alien buster Tommy Lee Jones is bound to come out on top.

Do you like wearing black? Are you a man? THEN YOU ARE OFFICIALLY AWESOME!