Friday Drinking Game #69 – Star Trek (2009)
Take one sip:
For every single lens flare.
Ok, we’re joking, not every single last lens flare. That would be ridiculous. Take one sip every time you see a lens flare PER SCENE. Well, if you really want to be bold, and get rat-arsed, feel free to try and keep up with the blinding lights. You’ll won’t last even as long as Chris Hemsworth.
Every time an old Star Trek character is reintroduced.
Heeey look the whole gang is here! Each character gets a jolly good introduction to reinvent them for the 21st century (or 23rd century if you’re going to get all nerdy on us). From Sulu getting a badass skydive and sword fight, to Chekov’s irrepressibly (incomprehensibly) charming accent and even Scotty’s life being completely fucked by Future-Spock, every character gets an awesome intro. Drink in wonderment of J.J. Abrams!
Every time someone gets beamed.
That’s a sip per beaming! When someone gets beamed, you get reamed. Not in a sexy way. Although maybe in a sexy way if you play your cards right. Do your best impression of the sound effect, too. Double the sips up if it’s Scotty doing the beaming!
Take two sips:
Whenever a person with horrific genetic disfigurement is passed off as an alien.
There is a running joke that Star Trek only ever slaps something funky onto someone’s forehead and BAM! Alien. Star Trek 2009 is no exception. Green chick – check. Big eyes midwife – check. Testicle-man propping up the bar – check. Take two sips in pity for these wretched souls.
Every time Zachery Quinto and Chris Pine look like they’re going to furiously sex each other.
Take a couple sips to acknowledge the (so so subtle) hat-tips to homoeroticism prevalent in Star Trek. Go on, Zachery Quinto – FUCK THE LOGIC RIGHT OUT OF HIM!
Every time something enormously coincidental happens.
How does Nero’s ship manage to poke itself out of the time warp right in front of Papa Kirk’s ship? How is it that Chekov knows the exact algorithm to beam a moving target, something that no one else seems to know, and is positioned so that he can get to engineering juuust in time to save Kirk and Sulu? How does Kirk manage to pick the EXACT cave that Future-Spock is being all emo in? None of these bizarre occurrences break the movie, Star Trek‘s too damn good for that, but it certainly pushes the envelope as far as suspension of disbelief goes. Take two confused sips!
Take three sips:
Every time someone new takes command.
It’s like a merry-go-round on the Enterprise! That swivelly chair must be uncomfortable or something. Maybe all the flashing lights gave Captain Pike an epileptic fit and he got sick of the bridge, it certainly gave us a headache. Three cheers and three big sips to hail the new captains!
Every time a speaking character dies.
No one is safe in the Star Trek universe, except Kirk obviously, and even he kicked the bucket in Star Trek: Generations when Malcolm McDowell called him rude names or something. We can’t remember. It was particularly pathetic though. That’s 3 sips for the homies!
Every time Eric Bana gets all shouty.
Looking remarkably less creepy than he did in The Time Traveller’s Wife, Eric Bana is rather prone to fits of sudden rage in Star Trek. It must have been those tattoos, they look like they hurt. Or maybe the space worm the Klingons shoved inside his brain in the deleted scenes on the Star Trek DVD did it. Or maybe he knows that Benedict Cumberbatch is going to outclass him in every way when Star Trek Into Darkness finally emerges.
Set your phasers to drunk and DOWN IT!
As our bad boys jump, take a deep breath and finish your drink!
In what is in all liklihood the most memorable sequence in the film, Kirk, Sulu and Redshit perform an “almost entirely scientifically accurate” HALO-jump onto a giant space-drill. As they jump, down that drink and marvel as Star Trek is reborn!