Tash (likes a man she can beat in a fight):

In a world filled with mumbling Edward-the-sickly-vampires, pop-eyed Dwayne “The Car Is On Fire” Johnson and mysterious-but-silent hence LADS (Captain AmeriBUFF, anyone?) it gladdens my heart that a genuine celebrator of the English language graces the screens of those who need it most: people who go and watch horribly bland rom-coms at the cinema. Like sneakily placing an minute copy of the Oxford English Dictionary inside a Christmas cracker, Russell Brand’s inclusion in a colourful bit of fluff will always ensure that, linguistically at least, our ears will be nourished.

Alice: (defines ‘actors’ as ‘people who can actually act’):

Brand may have linguistic acrobatics available at his tongue tip but that’s not much use when he’s starring in bland rom-coms with scripts written by someone else and the only character he can play is HIMSELF. Somebody found him funny in one film and so he’s already been indulged to the point of saturation. (Two Brand films in the chart at once? Really?) Need proof of this? Check out his ‘Shakespeare acting’ in the Tempest: Trinculo reinvented as Russell-freaking-Brand. Speaking of the OED, look up ‘self-absorbed’ and you’ll find a little picture of the spider-legged comedian, complete with inexcusable hair. Seriously, he and Simon Cowell tie for title of Worst Hair Seen On Inexplicable Crushes.

Tash:

OK, OK, no he’s not Lawrence Olivier, and perhaps casting him in a Shakespearean epic was never going to end well, but you can’t deny that he adds a effervescent freshness to the same old, sluiced-out American comedy that we’ve come to know as the norm. Perhaps the problem is that you’re purely thinking of him as an actor, rather than a performer, writer and – yes, I’ll say it – modern day philosopher. “To this day, I feel a fierce warmth for women that have the same disregard for the social conventions of sexual protocol as I do. I love it when I meet a woman and her sexuality is dancing across her face, so it’s apparent that all we need to do is nod and find a cupboard.” – How can you be against a man who comes up with the likes of that?

Alice:

Hmmm, all good in theory – but didn’t he claim to have a sex addiction? At which point this quote is less free love and more ‘me love’ at any cost. And I feel Brand should claim responsibility for the recent overuse of the term ‘sex addict’ – I am in no way claiming it’s not a disorder, but there’s the danger of it being used as an excuse for men and women who just like to objectify. Another word on over-saturation: do we really need two autobiographies from him at the age of 36? Also, I just do not understand the sex appeal. Please explain how you can find such a limp, gangly vegetable of a man who backcombs his ragged hair, has a strange voice and finds himself hilarious physically attractive. Plus the crude radio antics and the public tomfoolery. Give me dignity in a man anytime.

Tash:

No, no no, it’s not about what the quote represents, it’s just his self-evident love of words that gets me going! And anyway, there’s nothing like a good pigeon-chest on a man, just ask any randy pigeon. Look, OK, so his performances aren’t going to change the world, and he’s made some fairly unpleasant life choices that don’t need to be brought up here (SACHSGATE), but surely his championing of fun-loving intellectualism means he’s worth a couple more mediocre flicks?

Alice:

Re-read to what you just wrote, “a couple more mediocre flicks” – why should we have to put up with mind-numbing background noise just so that by comparison Russell Brand looks like a modern-day Plato? we should be trying to push ALL standards up, not just be thankful that someone with a pointy chin is making stupid people look even stupider.

Tash:

He does make them look really, really stupid though.

Alice:

Sigh.

By Natasha Hodgson and Alice Sinclair