(Good) Friday Drinking Game #46 – Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ, known to his friends as J.C, loved a good drink. Hell, on his last night alive he initiated a wine-guzzling party – that’s how much of a bloody legend he was. So we KNOW he’ll be totally sound wth us writing an extra special Good Friday Drinking Game. Hey, how else are supposed to numb the pain we always feel on the anniversary of Big J’s crucifixion at Calvary? Exactly. So it’s time to bring out J.C’s favourite drink (Sambuca, anyone?), a pile of religious-themed flicks and leave your bible at the door…
LET’S GET WASTED, JESUS STYLE!
Take one sip…
Whenever ewe spot a sheep
He’s the LAMB of God, guys. It’s supposed to be, like, a metaphor, you know? But, what with the way filmmakers carry on, you’d imagine he was a human man with the brain and heart of a sheep. “Can we squeeze in a few more lambs?” the director asks, as Jesus attempts to navigate an entire flock across the set. Apparently so. There’s always room for more frikkin lambs…
Whenever Jesus is a white man with luxurious locks
Oh sure, Jesus was probably Middle Eastern. Oh sure, the BBC funded a very expensive television show in which it was decided that Christ, as a Galilean Semite, would have been “olive-coloured” and “swarthy”. But do you ever see Jesus rocking up to the silver screen without a white robe, long flowing hair and bright blue eyes? Exactly.
Whenever Jesus heals a leper
Make these teeny-weeny iddy-biddy sips; Jesus has a LOT of time on his hands and he heals a LOT of lepers. Some might almost say too many. In Ben Hur, he even manages to heal a few post-crucifixion… now that’s just showing off, isn’t it J.C?
Whenever Jesus DOESN’T heal a leper
The funny thing about Jesus is that, despite possessing miraculous abilities, sometimes he just doesn’t fancy using them. We know he can walk on water, but when Herod asks him to do it, he blanks him. Literally blanks him.
It’s the same with the lepers – he goes around healing them all the time. Even when, as the case is in The Life Of Brian, they don’t want him to: “I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! ‘You’re cured, mate.’ Bloody do-gooder!”
So there we have it; we KNOW Jesus can heal lepers. But when a crowd of them surround him and ask for a bitta Jesus-style magic, he gets annoyed and tells them to go and heal themselves. MAJOR HIT BELOW THE LEPER BELL, JESUS! Not everyone has Godlike powers, you know…
DOWN YOUR COMMUNION WINE… if Jesus is a lion
Take two sips…
Whenever Jesus loses his temper
Oh sure, he’s the Lamb of God… but he’s got a baaaaad temper on him! Check out Jesus Christ Superstar if you don’t believe me; Jesus discovers the temple has been taken over by money changers and prostitutes and, rather than writing down his complaint and posting it to the relevent people, he goes crazy. He goes crazy, HULK STYLE! We don’t like Jesus when he’s angry. He destroys the stalls, he smashes up all of their wares, he screams in people’s faces AND he forces them to leave. Not very cool, J.C. Not very cool at all.
Whenever Jesus gets angsty
Okay, Jesus is awesome. We all KNOW that already; praise be upon him, and all that jazz. But, despite being past thirty, he still acts like a sullen teenager. Like, for instance, when he catches Judas having a moan at Mary Magdalene for using up all of their expensive ointments, suggesting (fairly) that it could have been sold and the money given to the poor.
Jesus absolutely loses it. Like, he literally goes bloody mental, launching into Judas and accusing him of being “shallow, thick, and slow”. And then, for no reason at all, he turns on the rest of the disciples: “there is not a man among you who knows or cares if I come or go.”
That’s not strictly true, is it J.C? They wouldn’t be dubbed the Disciples if they didn’t give a shizzle.
Whenever Judas is an absolute dick
Carl Anderson, Luca Lionello and Norman Reedus have all played Judas and, generally, they’ve all had to let Jesus down in a very big way. Betraying the Messiah is bad news, but betraying him with a KISS? You guys suck! Way to get a dude’s hopes up before you hand him over to the Romans for interrogation, torture, abject humiliation and death.
Whenever the crown of thorns serves a decorative purpose only
Unless you’re watching The Passion Of The Christ, you can almost guarantee that the circlet of thorns on Jesus’ head is just there for show. It’s supposed to be painful but most films don’t really want to mess up those gorgeous Messiah locks. It’ll just be balanced there, neatly, like a child’s paper crown in the school Nativity play…
BONUS ROUND… try taking a (low alcohol) shot for every one of Jesus’ thirty-nine lashes of the whip. Definitely a more entertaining (and painless) way of getting lashed.
Take three sips…
Whenever Peter denies Christ
That’s one sip for every one of the three times Peter says he doesn’t know Jesus. Three flat-out denials, all before the cock has time to crow. So you don’t have the foggiest idea who that Messiah dude is, huh? You’re a liar Peter; we TOTALLY saw you standing next to him. We think you’ll be paying for that later on, when you get crucified as well. Upside-down. Like a complete and utter wally.
Whenever Jesus starts banging on about the meek
Jesus loves bestowing his favour on the meek. And, in some cases, sure; it’s good that they’re getting something because they have a hell of a time of it. But, you know, what Jesus fails to appreciate is that it’s the meek who are the problem. They’re SUCH wet blankets. He should’ve stuck to blessing the cheesemakers…
Whenever God proves he’s basically the worst parent ever
Whaddaya mean, you don’t understand? God is such a bad parent it’s positively unreal. Firstly, he doesn’t pay any child support to Mary and Joseph and, what with them living off a meagre carpenter’s wage, that seems pretty unfair. Secondly, he completely ignores all of J.C’s prayers.
Thirdly, he sacrifices his son in the most painful way possible when he could have gone down HIMSELF in human form and let himself be nailed up on the cross instead. He really needs to check out Disney’s Hercules Disney movie for tips from Zeus on combining good parenting with the daily duties of a deity.
Whenever something really unbearably horrible happens
Are you watching Passion of The Christ at the moment? Prepare to get absolutely wasted; so many very horrible things happen to poor old Jesus in this film and almost all of them are unbearable. It’s roughly 126 minutes long, and at least 100 of those minutes, maybe more, are concerned specifically and graphically with the details of the torture and death of Jesus. Ten minutes devoted to brutal flogging? Yup. Crown of thorns used to violent effect? Yup. Extreme close-up on nails going into… you get the picture. It’s all completely unbearable. Drink whatever alcohol is closest to try and undo the sick knot of dread in your stomach
OH MY GOODNESS, THE ROMANS ARE COMING! DRINK! DRIIIIIIINK!!!
Whenever the twist ending fails to catch you by surprise
Jesus is dead. We saw it happen. He got nailed up on that cross, it was totally horrible (unless there was a cheery Monty Python sing-along to accompany it!) and now he’s dead. In fact, he’s been dead for THREE ENTIRE DAYS – s’probably cooling meat rather than a corpse by now. But… but what’s this? Can it be…? HE’S ALIVE AGAIN!!!
And we’re not shocked at all. Yiesh guys, you’re gonna have to try harder than THAT if you want a real surprise ending. How about Jesus comes back to life as a vampire? Or as a friendly, Casper-like ghost? Or an amped-up White Wizard, like Gandalf?
Or, you know, maybe he could just NOT COME BACK TO LIFE AT ALL?! That’d be almost as shocking as going along to watch Titanic 3D and the ship making it all the way to America without bumping into any pesky icebergs.