Considering it’s the the only event of the year whose theme tune begins “Remember, remember…”, it seems rather odd that no-one seems to give much cinematic thought to the bloody story of Guy Fawkes. As far as we can tell, V for Vendetta is the only big-hitter to feature the story of the gunpowder plot and the treacherous York-born lad who was at the centre of a royal assassination attempt. We’ve decided that it’s time the Hollywood big boys started paying attention to the most dastardly tale in our national history. And helpfully, we’ve mapped out a few film suggestions depending on the director taking the helm. Spielberg, we hope you’re paying attention.

Director: Michael Bay

Film Title: FAWKES

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Denzel Washington And Whatever Hottie Is Making The Rounds

Synopsis

Not a lot of things are exploding in London (England) right now. But things are about to get a whole shit explodier. With all these protestants roaming around, talking back like they owns the place, its up to good-time Catholic boy Guy and his gang of wise-cracking transubstantiation lovers to let them know who’s boss. With Ja-Rule as Thomas Wintour and Shia LaBeouf as King James, FAWKES will take you on one hell of a ride all the way to hell – the question is… will they make it back?

Tagline:

One hell of a Guy. One Night To Remember (Remember)

 

Director: Tim Burton

Film Title: Guy: The Boy Who Loved Fire

Starring:

Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Anyone Else On Burton’s Speed Dial

Synopsis

Growing up in the gothic, higgledy-piggledy village of York, young Guy always had a fascination with light. Without a father figure to guide him, and a mother that was actually a part sea-witch, part cheekbone model, the ambitious young lad found solace in his friend: fire. When a rag-tag gang of travellers come to town, Guy is fascinated by their love of stripes and their Danny Elfman soundtrack. Before he knows it, he’s whisked away into a devilish plot to overthrow the King, with only his matches to guide him. Stephen Fry introduces, narrates, and also guest stars as “Guilt”.

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The only thing he couldn’t set alight…. was his heart

 

Director: Quentin Tarantino

Title: The Gwnpowdar Ploot

Starring: Anyone he wants. Literally anyone. But also probably a lot of ninjas

Synopsis:

Fawkes had always been a hard nosed bastard. It’s probably the drugs that tipped him over the edge. That and the fact that his mom was a no good prostitute lesbian who also got all embroiled in that Samurai war. Still, Guy aint no better than Catesby – a gang-leader with a serious score to settle. James I wasn’t getting off that easy, and everybody in that town knew it. The only question was, how much of the movie was going to be in black and white? Fawkes’ head said none, but his heart – and the cigarette he was smoking picturesquely against the moonlight – said a lot.

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Part 1 of 3 (probably)

 

Director/writer: Nicholas Sparks

Title: Guy’s Tale

Starring: Zac Efron, Amanda Bynes And Some Old Guy With A Crinkly Face

Synopsis

Whilst hunting around her Dad’s old things, Lucy finds some old diaries written in romantic yet wistful handwriting. Upon reading, she can’t believe what she finds. The lost diaries of Guy Fawkes, a man who tried to assassinate the king and burn down the Houses of Parliament – for love. And with her Dad suffering from a heartbreaking affliction – the desire to set fire to everything – Lucy begins to feel her fate and Guy’s intertwine across the centuries…

Tagline:

A fire that burned through the ages (also skin)

 

Director: Mike Leigh

Title: Goodnight Flames

Starring: Ian McKellen and Helen Mirren (they both get Oscars)

Synopsis:

Slough. Present day. Elderly retired couple James and Sheila sit in their same old arm chairs, waiting for their son Guy (Benedict Cumberbatch) to return for one last Christmas together. But secrets are burning beneath the plaid facade, and old family grudges will be set alight in a minimal-dialogue yet wrinkly-poignant way. Also the kitchen’s on fire. Symbolism.

Tagline:

Nothing happens, but in a good way