Happy bloody Valentine’s – our favourite V-day horrors
Friday is fast approaching (for all the guys who have just opened up a new tab to see how quickly the internet can deliver flowers, you are welcome) and if, like myself, the idea of sitting in a cramped restaurant with your unlucky partner while you giggle nervously and ask them how they feel about the new Blu-ray release of Hell Comes To Frogtown is just too much to handle then there is no better way to spend your night than in the comfort of your very own home with a good ol’ selection of film’s bloodiest love based films…and perhaps a padlock on the door so your (potentially) unwilling victim can’t escape in-between disc changes.
My Bloody Valentine (1981)Nobody ever questioned why Cupid and his penchant for firing sharp arrows at smitten couples was meant to be cute. It’s not. If anything, the idea of a naked baby shooting at me is terrifying. This year, replace Cupid with a deranged serial killing miner and replace his arrows with a sharp pick axe… it’s essentially the same thing! My Bloody Valentine opens up with a gas explosion in a coal mine – an explosion that could have been easily avoided had the two supervisors not rushed off to attend a Valentine’s Day dance. Romantic, I know; some guys will do anything to avoid getting in trouble with the missus. The sole survivor, Harry Warden, decides that the supervisors must be punished and, in truly psychotic style, slays the pair of them on the one year anniversary of the accident. For good measure, he also throws in a warning that the town (Valentine Bluffs) must never hold another Valentine’s Day dance.
Skip to twenty years later and a group of too cool for school teens decide that it’d be a good idea to throw a Valentine’s party at the old coal mine. At this point in the film, if your date is on the edge of their seat wondering what could possibly happen next, then now is the time to unlock the handcuffs and let them go. In the words of my Gran, that one definitely isn’t a keeper.
The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)Warning: If this is a first date then avoid watching this, or anything else filmed in black and white, just incase the other person thinks you can’t afford a colour TV. I mean not going to dinner was one thing, but monochrome media? Never!
If your partner makes it through the first film without asking (or pleading) to leave then you are free to move on to The Bride of Frankenstein. This is where you are free to move a little closer and show that, sometimes, affection can be pleasant…for now. Frankenstein and his monster are alive and well, after the rude villagers tried to set them on fire in Frankenstein, and Dr Frankenstein has tried to move on with his life and now has a wife. This is the part where you can both hold hands and make each other think that maybe, just maybe, one day you’ll both have that happy life. Well, except for the fact that you aren’t a doctor and nobody really wants to marry someone who spends their Valentine’s watching old horror movies.
Back to the film and the monster has been captured again by the same bloody folk that set him on fire during their last encounter. After a brief scuffle, the monster escapes and retreats into the woods where he meets a blind, old, violin-playing hermit who teaches him how to be happy. The villagers show up, yet again, and chase off the monster who, eventually, meets up with Frankenstein’s old professor, Dr Pretorius and they both decide that they must force Dr Frankenstein to help create a bride for the monster… which he does. However, once the bride has been created, she wants nothing to do with the monster and backs her junk up away from him. This is now the part where you both let go of each other’s hands and, if you’re the man, realise that life is just a series of disappointments and you’ll never ever be truly happy, like the monster. If you’re the woman, you realise that all men are monsters and are only ever truly happy when they’re hanging around with the blind old, violin-playing hermit next door…no? Just me then.
Cherry Falls (2000)The third and final film of my Valentine’s night trilogy is Cherry Falls, a fun little gem starring the late Brittany Murphy. The main gist of the film is that a serial killer is offing a whole bunch of young virgins so, to protect themselves, the young virgins decide that they should just have one big orgy, thus ridding them all of their virginity and, of course, the target on their backs. At this point, do NOT crack a joke about how maybe you should both move on up to the bedroom, for safety reasons. It won’t work. Trust me.
Behind the killer, there is a dark back story involving group rape, illegitimate children and cross dressing… I sort of regret the use of the term “fun little gem”, actually. The film however, never takes itself too seriously and is an overall enjoyable slasher which I think was ridiculously overlooked when it was released, all those years ago, at the arrival of the new millennium.
Now, at this point in the night, if the police haven’t arrived to negotiate the release of the hostage and your parter is still sitting next to you with doting affection in their eyes then you, my friend, have got yourself a keeper! Happy Bloody Valentine’s Day readers!