How to be a Pixar Hero: Ten Rules for Adventurers Everywhere
For years and years, it was Disney that dominated our kids’ cinematic skyline. Aladdin, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast; any amount of singing cutlery, creatures and cabinets populated the screen. However, for the youth of today, there is really only one cinematic force worth reckoning with- the Pixar generation is upon is. Sorry Dreamworks, but lets be honest. Shrek 3 wasn’t so much a film, as it was a mournful bleat in the darkness.
This time around it seems the grown-ups can’t wait to get in on the Dis/Pix action too. Young or old; glorious storytelling, wide ranges of characters and new forays in the world of 3D mean that more than ever, we feel part of the action. The question is; would you be able to hack it as a Pixar hero?
Helpfully, we’ve figured out Pixar’s secret formula for guaranteed adventure success. Follow these rules, young explorer, and you’ll soon be grinning through your end credits.
1.Try not to be a Human
Bad luck. Pixar seems to have a bit of a vendetta against the human race. And I don’t know about you, but we’re pretty sure that‘s our race. Our crimes are many, and range from stealing a young fish away from his dad in Finding Nemo, to casually destroying the entire world in Wall-E. We force old men to fly their homes to South America and mistake genius chefs for common rats. To be honest, we’re surprised you even went to the cinema to see these films in the first place. Surely you were too busy murdering tiny lambs and laughing hysterically.
2.Find yourself a dog
From brave wee Buster in Toy Story 2 to loveable fool Dug in Up, our dogs always find a way to get us wacky old humans out of tricky situations. Without them we’d probably end up lost, alone, grasping Shrek 3: Limited edition in our shaking fingers.
3.Don’t trust the birds
An interesting one this. Though Pixar demonstrate a great love of the hairy, there is a distinct lack of affection for the feathered. We find beaky enemies in several Dis/Pix creations; the terrifying nemesis in A Bug’s Life made us shifty around sparrows for quite some time. Similarly I’m not sure any of us will ever forget the harrowing seagull cries of ‘MINE!’ in Finding Nemo. It even happens in Up.; I mean, sure Kevin the bird isn’t evil, but let’s be honest, she doesn’t really give a crap.
4.The laws of physics are.. well.. more guidelines than anything else
Look, if you need to make that impossible leap across those seven buildings, chances are, you will. Experts reckon that in real life, it would take over 23.5 million balloons to lift a house off the ground. In Up, 20,622 balloons were animated to create lift-off for Mr Frederickson’s house. Only 20,622? Some people are just lazy.
5.Just so you know, you are never alone
I don’t mean this in the comforting ‘you’re never alone little Billy,’ way. I mean more in the, ‘don’t take your towel off in your room, cos the toys and monsters will be watching’ type way.
6.You can’t kill your nemesis
Lamb killer or no lamb killer, you can’t just go around murdering anyone who gets in your way. Everyone knows that the goodies don’t kill. Who would Mr Incredible be if he had actually killed poor Mirage? Mr Wanker. Exactly. And no one wants that. It’s OK though, your enemy will meet their demise in a way that isn’t actually caused by you, but will be equally satisfying for your audience. Whew.
7.You’re nothing without your plucky lady friend
You can be the fanciest rat chef in all of Paris (and I wouldn’t use those words lightly), but without the help of an angry young woman your recipes ain’t going nowhere. From Jessie the Cowgirl (Toy Story 2) to Princess Atta (A Bug’s Life), from Eve (Walle-E) to Dory (Finding Nemo), every hero needs his heroine.
8.Menial labour isn’t for you
What do you think you’re doing in that field? Picking bits of corn like the rest of the ants? And you, Mr Incredible, working in an office are we? You’re Pixar heroes for God’s sake! You don’t just ‘do jobs’ like the rest of us you know! Give it an hour and a half; we’ll soon cure you of that.
9.Never settle for less than the best
Not only does this heart-warming motto apply to almost every character to come out of Pixar, but to the Pixar team itself. Rumour has it that 9 months before production ended on Toy Story 2, the whole creative team hated the finished product. The head honchos took a two week retreat to make changes and returned with an entirely different story, and an entirely new film to make. Death or glory. A beautiful sentiment, to be sure. We can’t help but wonder how beautiful it seemed when they broke the news to the knackered animation team….
And finally, of course,
10.Never, ever wear a cape
If you don’t know why, then shame on you. Bloody humans. You never learn.