Orange (Wednesday)s And Lemons #55
*Even the coldest, deadest extremes of winter contain within them the promise of spring, and at Best For Film Towers a new batch of interns will soon remind Tash and John that the circle of life isn’t just something they read about during their long evenings guarding the ramparts. For now, though, it’s the same old idiots:*
John (Nicole Kidman at the end of Moulin Rouge):
This week my Owl is less colourful than usual – not because it needs an emergency application of My New Pink Button, but because it’s trapped in the frozen Arctic wastes with Liam Neeson and The Grey. Ignore the trailer, this couldn’t be less like Prey – it’s a bleak, affecting drama played out against the forbidding landscape at the end of the world. Intruders is probably none of those things, since it’s a supernatural horror film about a monster called ‘Hollowface’. Starring Clive Owen. LEMON LEMON LEMON
Orange Choice: The Grey
Ultimate Lemon: Intruders
My zesty orange is going straight into the mouth of Chronicle this week; however, it’s not like the guys in it need the vitamin C, as they’re already pretty gosh darn super. Telekinesis. Flight. Invincibility. What more could a male teen need to survive the terrors of high school (other than, of course, X Ray vision)? Dark and disturbing faux documentary with a good dose of angst. I’m in. On the other hand, Twilight has made me unable to even hear the word ‘vampire’ without my blood slowly simmering into a substance not unlike molten lava. And the Underworld franchise has been churning out fanged turds for too many years now. Did you know, in vamp-lore, it says you can ‘cure’ or kill a vampire by putting a lemon in its mouth? Genuine fact. And imma gonna try it out here. Ready? Ahem. BEGONE, VAMPIRE MOVIES!!! SUCK ON THAT BITTER LEMON!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Orange Choice: Chronicle
Ultimate Lemon: Underworld: Awakening
Duncan (CV saboteur):
And the wheel comes full circle once more. This week is another embarrassment of riches, so for god’s sake go and see SOMETHING. Every fibre in me is desperate to recommend Chronicle, but I have a sneaky feeling it’s going to clean up at the box office without my help. So, instead, I’m going to throw my considerable #heft and #influence behind Like Crazy, partly because we need more films this real and honest, and partly because I still feel guilty about having missed Weekend. As for what to avoid… W.E.‘s still on somewhere, right? Go and picket it or something. Nothing says ‘Why is this awful sow playing the Super Bowl halftime show?’ like a screen that’s had a load of human waste thrown at it.
Orange Choice: Like Crazy
Ultimate Lemon: W.E
Florence (too good for BFF):
This evening I plan on seeing Chronicle. You know it’s that film about the kids who get superpowers out of nowhere and probably never use them to do bad things and most likely everyone survives. It’s one of those hand held camera ones, which can get frustrating, but it looks good and I’ve heard positive things about it. What I won’t be seeing is The Sitter. This is for two reasons: 1) there is a joke about “sharting” in the trailer. Really? Are sharting jokes still happening in this day and age? IT’S 2012 WORLD, SHARTING IS DEAD. FART JOKES ARE TURNING IN THEIR GRAVE 2) Seeing Jonah Hill fat and happy will make me sad now he’s thin and cries all the time because he’s so thin.
Orange Choice: Chronicle
Ultimate Lemon: The Sitter
*Alright, alright, everyone wants to see Chronicle. Except for Tash, OBVS.*
Tash (fuck the patriarchy):
You know what I’m a bit sick of? People going on about George Clooney. Yes, alright fine, he does a lovely ‘wide-eyed, open heart’ look, not to mention a great line in amusing jogging, but to me The Descendants looks like two hours of George pausing before delivering a line that could have been funnier. In nice shorts. Instead, I’m going to urge you to see Like Crazy, a deliciously refreshing take on first love starring two people who are going to end up being mega famous: Felicity Jones and Anton Yelchin. See it now, so that in six months you can be all “Oh yah, Anton, remember thinking he was one to watch aaaages ago, darling”. Whilst drinking a Nespresso. There you go George – it’s not all bad news eh?
Orange Choice: Like Crazy
Ultimate Lemon: The Descendants
*Oh, and Papa Neish.*
Papa Neish (presumably frozen to death by now):
What would you do if you ever found yourself lumped with superpowers? Rob a bank? Save the world? Telekinetically beat the living crap out of a stranger until he spits out his gum? Like Misfits before it, Chronicle asks how superhero abilities might manifest themselves and have use in the real world. While not necessarily original, it is a film that is packed to the cape with ingenuity, wit and a great deal of insight. With The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man and The Dark Knight Rises still to enter the fray, the bar has already been set ridiculously high for best superhero film of the year. At a loss for a film to lemon this week (is Underworld even still out?), I will instead tell you to GO SEE YOUNG ADULT! Nowhere near as hateful as the trailer makes it look, Diablo Cody’s latest makes Juno look like a Sixth Form Film Studies assignment.
Orange Choice: Young Adult
Ultimate Lemon: Chronicle