Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #104

*John Underwood, so overcome by the sheer power of Nicholas Sparks, has fallen from the Best For Film ranks. Can four quivering new interns – with a little encouragement from Kayleigh – protect Best For Film Towers from a terrible onslaught of bad movies…?*


Sarah (victim of severe Metro-induced flashbacks):
I am fully aware that Django Unchained has been out for some time and is arriving on DVD in the near future, but there’s a reason why Christoph Waltz bagged the best supporting actor Oscar this year. For me it shoves a cream pie in the face of everything Quentin Tarantino’s ever done, and it has now beaten Kill Bill to become my favourite Tarantino film ever. It’s bizarre, violent, funny as hell with a mean soundtrack to boot. In short, it’s Orange. Go and see it while you can.

Since Bruce Willis tends to sound like he’s sucking a certain citrus fruit when he speaks these days, I’m making A Good Day To Die Hard my Lemon. The thing falls woefully short of the first film (then again, so did films 2 through 4) and isn’t helped by a director that seems not to know quite enough about the series as a whole. Die Hard has been DEFACED by this latest effort. There is a plus joint though: Jai Courtney in white jeans about 30 seconds in.

Orange Choice: Django Unchained
Ultimate Lemon: A Good Day To Hard


We’ll make a note on those white jeans then! Megan, you look conflicted…


Megan (cradling a battered Jeremy Renner mascot):
Oh dear. My inner child has immediately started screaming its head off at this question. It really want to see Wreck-it Ralph. Can’t be blamed really. I mean a movie about gaming characters? How can you not?! Probably because not many other people are as under the thumb of their inner child as I am. However, if I am reading the signs of the brandished knife correctly, my dark side is not giving up without a fight as she has made Stoker her movie of choice. Just the fact that the plot line is still a complete mystery to me – despite multiple synopses – makes it feel like an excitingly illicit encounter. Since I’m only allowed to pick one Orange (and I must at the very least PRETEND to be an adult), Stoker is what it’ll have to be. Lemon of the week is hands down Safe Haven. The threat of death, mutilation or vicious types of torture could not induce me to endure the travesty that is this film. Flame me all you want, I’m not budging.

Orange Choice: Stoker
Ultimate Lemon: Wreck-It Ralph


You heard her guys – fetch the flamethrower! Nina, say something to drown out her pitiful screams, quick…


Nina (still suffering from the trauma that was Safe Haven):
Despite the fact that this confession may ensure that all my attempts at being cool will go out the window, I often spend my evenings on my own, in my kitchen, singing ‘On My Own’ from Les Miserables. This Wednesday I’m thinking I should leave the house, get myself to the cinema to watch Les Misérables and sing ‘On My Own’ there (presumably still on my own, and much to the annoyance of every other member of the audience.) I haven’t had a chance to catch it yet but from the look of it, what’s not to like? There’s Hugh stealing a loaf of bread and breaking a window pane, Anne dreaming a dream that life could be, so different from this hell she’s living – while they both happily sing away, without a care in the world.

Lemon? Obviously Safe Haven far surpasses the miserableness of Le Misérables, any day.
Orange Choice: Les Misérables
Ultimate Lemon: Safe Haven


Nicholas Sparks takes yet ANOTHER lemon to the groin – will seasoned warrior Kayleigh join Nina in her battle?


Kayleigh (loading her keyboard with word bullets):
Slim pickings are the order of the day here at Best For Film. Very slim pickings indeed – which is why I’m going to get a little bit retro (not QUITE as retro as Nina, mind!) and proffer my orange to the feral children of Mama. Partly because they look hungry, but mostly because this horror flick actually looks very good. Creepy children ALWAYS get a big yes (or, more accurately, a big fat terrified ‘HELL NO!’) from me. Fingers crossed I can withhold my girlish screams just long enough not to humiliate myself in a moderately packed cinema, eh? My lemon, on the other hand, is going to Arbitrage. Sure, it looks good – but Richard Gere was an absolute dick to Graham Norton the other week and now I never want to see his smug little face again. If he could just edge closer to the similarly awful Nicholas Sparks, I might be able to use my lemon to take both of them out in one… no? I’m really not allowed to even TRY and lemon two films in one go? Fine. FINE! You may win this time Safe Haven but, next week, your predictable plotlines are mine for the obliterating. You’ve been warned…

Orange Choice: Mama
Ultimate Lemon: Arbitrage


*So, on THAT oddly ominous note, we implore you not to even think about going to see Safe Haven this week. Until next time, dear ones!*

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