Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #35
*Only a few weeks after joining the Best For Film team, Lydia’s moving on to pastures new. Woe. She’s here for one last OWL, but Tash is stuck up a tree somewhere and couldn’t make it. It’s all rather confused. The newly degree-toting Caroline had better kick things off, she can be relied upon not to blub…*
This week I intend to beg, borrow or steal in order to see Robotropolis, mainly because I can’t figure out whether it’s a black comedy and partial satire of I, Robot or a steaming bundle of crap. Have a look at the trailer: it’s impossible to tell. A news reporter goes to a town where all the service jobs are performed by ridiculously cartoonish robots that are very nice and good. EXCEPT HANG ON: They‘re actually completely evil. Que hostile takeover and immediate apocalypse. My lemon this week is The Dead, which is also an apocalyptic thing, but this time about zombies. It’s set in some African country, and honestly looks like a cross between Dawn of the Dead and Hotel Rwanda. At best, this looks terrifying; at worst, completely racist.
Orange Choice: Robotropolis
Ultimate Lemon: The Dead
Lydia (first appeared in Beavis and Butthead):
This week I’m keen on seeing Apollo 18. So I am. Tonight. My mind has reached its weekly intellectual stimulation quota and could do with a mindless sequel about space ghosts. From the trailer I’m thinking Apollo 13 meets The Blair Witch Project. Plus, I FINALLY need to find out the reason the US never returned to the moon (I’m not satisfied by the ‘moon landing was a hoax’ theory.) I am against The Art of Getting By because in my mind Freddie Highmore will always be six (and English) and it looks like a worse version of Submarine. Plus any movie in which a boy is befriended by a girl who is ‘popular but complicated’ can do one.
Orange Choice: Apollo 18
Ultimate Lemon: The Art of Getting By
*Oh, Lydia. Did you have to mention Blair Witch? Look at the state of poor Beth…*
Beth (is that a microphone in her pocket, or is she just pleased to see you? No, it’s definitely a microphone):
I don’t like it when trailers lie to me. The Blair Witch Project left me with deeply seated trust issues after claiming the film included real footage (I was young and naive)… and the joys of camping have been replaced by a fear for my teeth. So I am determined to stay away from Apollo 18 and its lies about American NASA missions. Everyone knows that the only reason we haven’t been back to the moon is because the clangers claimed it as their own turf. You don’t want to mess with them. Know what I do want to see? Metaphorical Hedgehogs. Well, just one, actually – a French janitor. Confused? Go see The Hedgehog and get your cultural groove on.
Orange Choice: The Hedgehog
Ultimate Lemon: Apollo 18
Kayleigh (currently having fun cutting John’s work to ribbons):
Fright Night is, without a shadow of a doubt, my ultimate orange. David Tennant as a sexy half-naked vampire hunter with an unquenchable lust for women and drink? Yes please. Lots of that, all night long, over and over again if possible. Apparently it’s about vampires or something…? Nah, I kid. I know it’s about vampires (proper vampires too, not those idiotic twinkly freaks from Twilight), that it’s got the kid from Superbad in it, some awesome fiery special effects and Colin Farrell looking like he might devour you whilst simultaneously pleasuring himself. There’s nothing bad about any of this. On the other hand, I literally can’t wait to squirt lemon juice into the eyes of Weekender. Who wants to watch the Ibiza rave scene take over the warehouses of the UK with some hardcore parties? Not me, especially if anyone from that god-awful show Skins is in it. Don’t get me wrong, I love warehouse parties, but I hate faux-hip-brit films and I especially hate Skins. All in all, it’s a big fat bucket of “hell no!” from me here.
Orange Choice: Fright Night
Ultimate Lemon: Weekender
*Vampires? Warehouses? John’s out of his depth.*
John (wants to be a spy in the Cold War):
This week I’m psyched beyond all reason about Kill List, which looks like a horror movie I might actually enjoy rather than scream, vomit and occasionally yawn my way through (I’m looking at you, Japan). Moral hit men à la Dexter, gore and comedy juxtaposed to make a GOREMEDY SANDWICH, Michael bloody Smiley – it’s all there. On the other hand, I’ll be steering clear of 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (which I persist in typing ‘Ecstreme Exstasy’) – I’m more than happy with expanding the technical breadth of pornography, but comedy rape? Not cool. If I want to see unpleasant and unwanted sex in 3D, I’ll go up to the Heath.
Orange Choice: Kill List
Ultimate Lemon: 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy
Papa N (back with SO MUCH VENGEANCE):
Bloody Troll Hunter, expertly rejuvenating the found-footage format with a few wry bouts of Nordic wit and a power-house performance from controversial comedian Otto Jesperson, luring me into Apollo 18 like some sort of poster-ignorant kamikaze moth. You know, from that simile? While not completely terrible, it does manage to leave a sour (lemony) taste in the mouth as Gonzalo López-Gallego relentlessly squanders the fear-factor inherent in the setting on a few fidgety rocks. Good thing, then, that Fright Night is on hand this week to put you through your paces. Taut, funny and the closest you’re going to get to a Buffy movie that’s not the Buddy movie, Fright Night is the reason Christopher Mintz-Plasse was invented and unliving proof that remakes don’t always have to be terrible.
Orange Choice: Fright Night
Ultimate Lemon: Apollo 18
*So, there you have it! See you at the concessions stand…*