Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #74

*With John finally achieving his dream off toppling Tash from the highest point in the BFF world (the sturdy flowerpot on the castle rooftop), the world of film-snark has been thrown into total disarray. How on earth will things ever go back to normal? How will any of us form those words and thoughts and meanings? Is Tom Cruise really playing a character called Stacee in Rock Of Ages? Oh look at that, we’re back…*

John (ITS ALL OVERlord):
As befits a man who is currently losing his shit at the prospect of stepping into Tash’s massive, steaming shoes, my Orange this week goes to low-budget Pegg-flaunter A Fantastic Fear of Everything. You know how afraid you are of Simon Pegg’s tentative penis bulge in all those Y-fronty posters? Well, that’s nothing compared to how afraid he is of EVERYTHING, and therefore I can only conclude that you (and, God willing, I) will draw strength and courage from his mimsiness. Fingers crossed. My Lemon is Rock of Ages, mostly because if you have even the slightest interest in music you should just be going to see Ill Manors again instead.

Orange Choice: A Fantastic Fear of Everything
Ultimate Lemon: Rock of Ages
Papa Neish (Lucas Till I Die):
I liked a rap song this week. And not even just on Facebook. Such is the power of Ben “Plan B” Drew’s Ill Manors that I’ve gone back on a lifetime of musical elitism (JUSTIN BEIBER 4 EVA) and pre-ordered the artist’s accompanying record. Album. Whatever it’s called. Drew’s film, his feature début, is an absolute fever-nightmare of a film that will leave your skin crawling, your head spinning and your jaw way back in the foyer. I honestly can’t imagine what Plan A might have been? Whatever it was, David Cameron sure got off lightly. Having really rather enjoyed Red Tails (ssh, don’t tell anyone), then, my lemon this week goes to Snow White and the Huntsman for literally putting me to sleep. I guess the two of them will just have to share.

Orange Choice: Ill Manors
Ultimate Lemon: Snow White And The Huntsman
Kayleigh (now with added FIRE-HEAD):
This week, I want Rock Of Ages to be my orange. I’ll give you a moment to finish your double-takes and expressive eye rolling before I explain. Done? Excellent. Firstly, I know it looks shit… but in a rare and good way. Like unicorn shit, maybe. After all, who doesn’t want to see Tom Cruise do what he does best and go absolutely mental for our entertainment? Exactly. Walking past any cinema showing this rocker dude version of Mamma Mia will be just like driving past a road accident and trying not to look – it’s impossible. I need to see all that devastation, all that twisted metal and eyeliner – I’m only human. And at least I’m being honest about it! My lemon, on the other hand, goes to The Pact. Despite being halfway in love with Caity Lotz, I just can’t handle that confused and rambling plot ever again. Let’s make it a supernatural lemonade and have done with it.

Orange Choice: Rock Of Ages
Ultimate Lemon: The Pact
Florrie V (No carbs before Marbs):
So you know what EVERYONE has been talking about this week? Miley Cyrus getting engaged to Liam Hemsworth of course! Ugh did you see the ring? SO garish. Second only to that piece of hot ass gossip is Prometheus. This Wednesday I implore you to use your 241 to see this film. It’s far from perfect, yes, but there is just SO MUCH to talk about afterwards. It’s actually a great film to see if you’re going on a date because then you can have a heated debate about whether the Engineers actually make any sense and it will descend into a steamy romp and then someone will propose (I hear that’s how it went down with Liam and Miley). And please don’t go and see The Pact. The scariest thing that happens is that ghosts use Google Maps.

Orange Choice: Prometheus
Ultimate Lemon: The Pact
DVB (better late than never):
How many genuinely brilliant, scary films about ghosts are there? The Devil’s Backbone, The Haunting, The Orphanage, The Shining (sort of), and..? I’ve missed a few, but not many. Can we add The Innkeepers to that list? Probably not, but SHUT UP LENA DUNHAM’S IN IT. Also, you know what’s really excruciating when sober? Karaoke. You know what’s even worse? Watching people in stupid outfits doing karaoke while they smirk and wink at each other. You know what Rock of Ages is? It’s that. It’s that but with people you like and who know better.

Orange Choice: The Innkeepers
Ultimate Lemon: Rock of Ages
Tash (Guy Pearce in Prometheus, ya get me):
Esta aqui! Esta aqui! Two whole words of Spanish for you there, which can mean ONLY ONE THING – that Casa de mi Padre has finally his our green and pleasant screens. Will Ferrell in an extended Spanish telenovela about bandits, drugs, pimps and cardboard backdrops – sure, it’s 70s B-movie chic, but it’s difficult to think of a more noble genre to drop the phrase “UN NARCOTRAFICANTE?!” into. In other news, you’ve probably already seen Prometheus, and as such you’ll know that that was a mistake. Subsequently I’ve read that ACTUALLY Ridley Scott meant the whole thing to be about how we filthy humans killed Space Jesus, but you know what? Tough. If you will insist on turning lovely Michael Fassbender into a substandard, NOT EVEN CAMP C3PO, frankly your extra-terrestrial saviour is only getting what he deserves.

Orange Choice: Casa de mi Padre
Ultimate Lemon: Prometheus


Seriously though, Prometheus was mental. Tell us which death you were the most baffled by below:

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