Friday Drinking Game #21 – Sarah Jessica Parker
Take one sip:
If she berates her love life
Whether it’s SATC, Did You hear About The Morgans? or Family Stone, she’s bound to have a moan about men somewhere. Trust us…
If she says “I couldn’t help but wonder…”
We couldn’t help but wonder if SJP’s tongue suffered a repetitive strain injury from turning these words around her mouth so many times…
If there’s an unnecessary montage
Everybody loves a montage, right? Team America certainly do! Although we’re pretty sure that said montage is supposed to depict someone improving their life over a passage of time rather than all the outfits they fancy trying on. Unless, of course, you’re watching Devil Wears Prada or Sex And The City…
If she purses her lips
That, my friends, is some excellent acting. SJP is all about the facial expressions. Actually, probably best not to do this one. Alcohol poisoning is such an ugly phrase, after all.
If she exclaims ‘Oh! Oh my!’ and poses like a doll on a music box
If you’re not au fait with the SJP school of acting, then you probably won’t have realised that, when not using her face for DRAMATIC PURPOSES, she likes to gasp in a sweetly-sick manner. Think Amy Adams in Enchanted
If someone next to you makes a cruel horse-related comparison
It’s just so unnecessary, isn’t it? Mournful sip in respect for the cruelly objectified SJP. However, if they make a slightly more imaginative metaphor (i.e. The Cowardly Lion) then you can chink your glass with them and snicker a little. Only a little, mind. Anything more than a chortle and you’re bordering on Mean Girls territory..
If she dons a vastly inappropriate outfit for her surroundings
This covers so many bases; high heels in the desert, a suit at Christmas dinner, a BIRD on her HEAD… the list is endless.
Take two sips:
If she sings (you’ll need it)
Occasionally, SJP likes to profess that she’s a singer. We dislike these moments, unless they’re lifted from Hocus Pocus (and, even then, why would the children fall for this jumped-up karaoke star?)
If she makes a regretful speech
Generally, an SJP character will come to realise that her actions have been wrong (i.e. cheating on her husband) and she will take the time to mournfully recite a long and well thought out monologue of regret. Cue the hand on heart, eyes wide as possible and fervent voice. Extra sip if the person she is inflicting her misery upon reacts in a highly realistic manner (i.e. cuckolded husband presents her with an expensive diamond ring as punishment for her infidelity… wait, what?!)
If she exposes a little too much cleavage (one sip for each puppy)
She’s big on breasts, is our SJP. Take an extra sip if she’s clearly wearing a push-up bra.
If she does something ‘drastic’ with her hair
This can include dyeing her blonde locks brunette for half an hour, straightening it or (gasp!) trimmed it.
Take three sips:
If she falls in love with someone she once hated
Generally, you’ll find that this is an estranged lover. Take a bonus sip if it’s not Chris Noth. Hugh Grant, anyone?
If someone next to you refers to her as Carrie Bradshaw
That’s not her name, bitches!
If she has her head grafted onto a dog’s body
It’s weird but cool, right?
If you feel intimidated by her insanely toned arms
I mean, seriously, these aren’t normal are they? They can’t possibly be normal. They’re all mannish and powerful and veiny looking. In fact, they scare me a little bit. These can be comforting sips of Dutch Courage if you also suffer from manarmsonwomanaphobia.
If you suddenly hate her for being married to Ferris Bueller
That’s right, she’s married to Ferris F*cking Bueller. How did that happen?! Why has he grown old? Why did she have to marry him and have babies with him and constantly remind us that Ferris Bueller is old and has a wife and babies? Why? He could’ve slinked off into obscurity OR he could’ve matured into a perpetually single silver fox, a la George Clooney, but obviously SJP had other plans. Plans to inflict misery on Bueller-lovers everywhere!
If you find you don’t know how to react when she says something controversial
Some people agree with this comment, some people completely disagree (check the insane debate on YouTube). All I’ll say is that, just maybe, she picked the wrong time and the wrong audience…
If she smokes, or drinks, or has sex on-screen.
It’s fine. We know drinking is wrong, but it feels so right. How can we put an end to all of this insane GUILT we feel? Follow our role model. This way you can blame her for being a bad influence on you.
If you decide to join the fashionable “hating SJP for no reason” clique.
Basically, what he said! She IS a nice lady. Sure, she’s not the most beautiful woman in the world, nor is she the most talented of actresses, but she’s doing the best she can with what God gave her. How can we judge her for that? In short, she’s an okay actress with okay looks. It’s not a crime. If it were then why the heck are we letting Katherine Heigl off scot free?!