The 10 Movies We Hope Never To See At The West End
Wanna hear some pretty terrible news? Fight Club: The Musical could, one day soon, be a very annoying and very real part of our lives. The idea, which was first introduced in 2009 by none other than DAVID FINCHER, is getting closer to reality, especially now that the Chuck Palahniuk the original novelist is on board.
It was an arrow to the heart for all of us here at BFF. Why must Broadway continue to destroy our favourite movies? What did we EVER do to warrant such torture? Needless to say, we’re putting our foot down. They can take Fight Club, it’s too late to save it, but they won’t be having any of these…
#10 – Jaws
There are many reasons as to why Speilberg’s Jaws should never be adapted for the West End. Firstly, the majority of the action happens underwater and I’m pretty sure a bit of blue lighting won’t cut the mustard. Secondly, there is the shark itself; Spielberg knew better than anyone that it couldn’t seen for a prolonged amount of time on camera, or everybody in the cinema would split their sides with laughter. Will a rubber shark or, better yet, someone DRESSED as a rubber shark have the same effect? It’d start off with a fun Beach Boys style tune about Amity Bay, a chorus of “There’s Something Fishy Going On”, there’d be a power ballad or two from Brody and we’d end on a lament from the shark itself. Heartwrenching for the audience, solid gold for the box-office, exceedingly sweaty for the chosen sharktor (shark-actor, keep up).
#9 – Schindler’s List
The Holocaust doesn’t belong in the West End; just ask the cast of the deeply suspect Anne Frank: The Musical. The cast would be too huge to handle, the set would be far too bland (black and white gets dull in real life) and the songs would be so completely and utterly depressing that the audience would be forced to remain in their seats long after the curtains close, questioning their rights to life. Oskar Schindler, baritone extraordinaire? A rousing chorus from the workers, maybe reminiscent of ‘Heigh Ho’ from Snow White? Those films are pretty similar, right?
#8 – Jurassic Park
Despite the advances recently made in Dancing Dinosaur technology (yep, we all gazed flabbergasted at Dinosaurs Unleashed too) there’s only so many steps ten foot lizards can master. If we give them a song, they’ll conquer the world. If we don’t, then they’ll just look awkward shuffling in and out of the big numbers. I think it’s okay for you to admit defeat, rather than penning “Come ye, to the park! Jurassic Park! We’ll have a lark!” which, obviously, would be sung by a bright-eyed Richard Hammond. In tap shoes. With a cane. Doing jazz hands. In front of a pathetically small banner which reads “when dinosaurs ruled the stage…”
#7 – Rain Man
I don’t think anybody out there can deny that this is Dustin Hoffman at his finest. It would be utter blasphemy to let anybody else, especially some jumped-up little singer, to take on his iconic role and DESTROY it with a sing-along. Would he still stammer when singing? Probably. Would it be terrible? Definitely. And then there’s the Las Vegas scenario. You just know they’d manage to ruin it with a catchy tune called ‘When The Chips Are Down’.
#6 – Avatar
A paraplegic marine, an out of this world setting and Na’vi people don’t exactly lend themselves well to Broadway. Can you imagine Michael Ball trying to look menacing as the corrupt Colonel Miles Quaritch? Or Elaine Paige bounding around on stilts, perhaps in a blue jumpsuit? Actually…
#5 – Titanic
Personally, I hate Titanic, so I don’t give a flying superior mode of transport what happens to it on Broadway. However, and it’s a HUGE however, I love Kate Winslet and Leonardo Di Caprio. Which means that I feel obliged to defend their characters from an even more tragic end than was dealt when that unsinkable ship bombed its way to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Can you imagine that poignant moment when Kate gasps in delight and belts out “I’m flying (without wings)!” Inexcusable. Not only that but the Great Ship’s eventual demise would invariably be translated into some flashing lights, a few bashes on a cymbal and a sad looking bit of curtain. There’s tragedy, and then there’s just travesty.
#4 – Saw
“I’ve got to break free” anyone? Picture the scene; you’re sitting in a darkened auditorium, watching an actor hack off his own foot with a rudimentary handsaw. He is singing a soulful ballad of righteousness and love as he does so. Perhaps a small fountain of blood shoots out and hits those lucky theatre-goers in the good seats right in the face? Banter with the audience may be a little futile – there’s only so many laughs to be squeezed out of needless devastation, after all. And, lest we forget the majority of the show would be confined to a DIRTY OLD BATHROOM! Sure we could add some sequins, throw in a couple of showgirls (you can always throw in showgirls) but Jigsaw in a tank top? Perhaps not…
#3 – Transformers
We have to be honest here, the songs do sort of write themselves (I really need your concentration, because it’s time for TRANSFORMATION!) and sure, it might be a little like a slightly more poignant West Side Story – but DON’T BE FOOLED. The cold hard truth is that it’s The Transformers. Autobots and Decepticons, despite our fondest dreams, don’t belong in the West End. And neither does Megan Fox, if you don’t already think of her as an Autobot. Perhaps, in the theatrical world, Megatron would become a tragic hero, not unlike the Phantom of The Phantom of The Opera fame: “Why, you ask, must I scour this terrifying world of lakes and parks? Not for any Decepticon sin, but in search of that wondrous and cursed Allspark!”
#2 – The Lord Of The Rings
Don’t worry, it will never, ever, ever….wait.
#1 – The Godfather
“You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you? Or my boy to me?” I ask you; would these words have the same power if let loose through the medium of song? You know it, I know it, the Godfather knows it. NO! Imagine the crescendo we’d have our ears split with when they find that horse’s head knocking about. Let Bugsy Malone have the mafia musical territory and leave these bad boys to go to the mattresses solely on the silver screen. Please, please, let’s just pray that when the offer comes, it’s one they can refuse.