So yet again Baywatch is making an unwelcome return like a cat vomming up a hairball and we have to wonder why Hollywood loves making TV shows into films. Yes, there is all of that built-in-audience stuff and the likelihood that the studio will make a bit of dosh back, but with all the great undiscovered writing talent in the world why not take a chance and ACTUALLY MAKE A FUCKING DECENT MOVIE?? I DON’T WANT TO SEE CARRIE BRADSHAW’S BOTOXED FACE ANY MORE!!! Ahem… With that said here is a definitive list of what we here at Best For Film Towers think would be the worst possible TV shows to see on the silver screen.

 

#10 – Holby City

Can you imagine the potential horror of this? We can see aliens bursting out of stomachs and Rooney Mara giving herself a Caesarean fine. Ask us to watch YET ANOTHER CHEST CAVITY BEING RIPPED OPEN AND SOMEONE POKING THEIR HAND INSIDE? Please, dear god, no. We go into hospital with an understanding that the doctors will do their best to save our lives rather than casually carve us up whilst chatting about their so boring-I-am-actually-crying sex lives. Plus it is hard to identify with main characters who are stiffer than the bodies in their own morgue.

 

#09 – Eastenders

OK, so the image is a little harsh, but seriously Enders, don’t you know by now that too much tragedy only makes for awkward laughter?! Over the last, I dunno, GAZILLION years that the show has been on there have been far too many deaths. Lighten up! You’re giving the East End a really bad rep. Perhaps the movie version could star Kirsten Stewart. With all the moody glares and terrible acting she would feel right at home.

 

#08 – America’s Next Top Model

Tyra Banks is pretty awesome. Fact. She’s totally bonkers and has nice hair and loves to steal the limelight from every young budding model. Another feature film with Tyra Banks chewing not only the set but everything in sight? Errr…no thank you (please don’t hit me, Tyra!) I think that Life-Size with Lindsay Lohan was bad enough. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself…it’s all about the close up at the end…

 

#07 – The O.C

It was sad to watch a TV series implode in on itself as badly as the O.C did and we are still dealing with the carnage now (Mischa Barton, I mean you). So this would be a pretty hard one to bring into movie format, considering that Marissa would have to be some kind of Peter Venkman/Ghostbusters 3 phantom. Oh dear lord, please don’t say she would come back as a ghost… Anyway how poke-your-eyes-out bad would this be as a movie? We didn’t care about your comic book loving ways back in 2004 Seth Cohen and we don’t give a monkeys about them now either! This was truly a career destroying monster.

 

#06 – Midsomer Murders

Is there even anyone still ALIVE in Midsomer? By now I am sure that all of the residents have been bumped off so the movie would have to be somewhere along the lines of DCI Barnaby trying to find the psycho killer before realising…IT’S ALL IN HIS HEAD! Perhaps he could even be in a mental hospital. That would be cliched and awful. Perhaps whilst we are fantasising there might even be someone in the cast who isn’t white-middle class… Now that’s an idea.

 

#05 – Newsnight

He’s big, he’s bad and your powers of reasoning are totally useless against him…IT’S THE PAXMAN!!! Run and hide junior ministers! He is after you and wants your blood. Once you step into Jezza’s Lair of Despair there is no return. I am imagining this film would be a bit like Kill List. But much more uncomfortable to watch.

 

#04 – Antiques Roadshow

Snooze alert! Some old biddy has a vase and wants to tell you aaaaall about it, whilst the presenter nods politely and is actully thinking about, who knows, snorting cocaine off of some intern at Sotheby’s probably. Maybe this version would be a bit more like a mash-up with Midsomer Murders. Murder, village fêtes, cream teas and cakes all with a healthy dose of decapitation. We’re still not convinced that pots can be made to be spicy. Unless maybe it is a pot that was made to hold spices… As long as Hercule Poirot somehow does not make an appearance anywhere in here. That might be every WI member’s wet dream come true.

 

#03 – Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares

I’ve got a fucking nightmare for you, Ramsey! Didn’t your mother ever tell you that when you wave a knife in someone’s face you should always remember your Ps and Qs? Although Ramsey might be able to rival Eddie Murphy for the highest number of “fuck”s said in a film who would ever want to see that? We all know that it’s not big and it’s not clever. So stop making shows and get back in the FUCKING KITCHEN. Ner.

 

#02 – Gardeners’ World

Hmmmm…this one seems like potential creature feature material. A group of hapless teenagers stumble into Alan Titchmarch’s garden for a spot of weed smoking and hanky panky only to find they are in his scientific garden of doom! 5ft long killer slugs, plants that eat people and a greenhouse of Titchmarchy freakiness. It’s all a bit Zone Horror for our liking. (Sorry, Zone Horror.)

 

#01 – Supermarket Sweep

Oh. Dear. God. Forget Jason and Freddy, Dale Winton would be the number one most horrific screen appearance of all time! Can you imagine if this was shot in 3D? Too much orange tan…TOO MUCH ORANGE!!! How many innuendos can one person face in an hour and a half. Those massive inflatable bananas have a LOT to answer for… Most importantly I don’t think it would be possible to watch this without having a rage-induced heart attack. The main character gets the final clue, victory is so tantalisingly close but…WTF? You’re going the wrong way, love. NO!!! NOT BOG ROLL! The answer is Sage. SAGE!!! SAGE, GOD DAMN IT YOU MORONIC WOMAN!!! SAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEE!!!!!! Until they invent a cinema screen where the characters can hear you shouting at them from the auditorium, this must be kept under lock and key never to be released.

Can you think of anything more horrific than Dale Winton supersized? Let us know!

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