The BFF Movie Plot Generator
Taylor Lautner and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson? It can only be one of the latest rumours surrounding the pre-production for the upcoming Goliath, a Biblical romp which showcases the iconic battle between David and Goliath. Were the BFF team happy with this revelation? Not at all. Which led us to realise our innermost fantasies and delve into the dark recesses of our minds for our dream star pairings. And, insanely, it didn’t stop there. It probably should have, but we decided to run with a new idea. What storylines would we give our new cast? Yup. We went there.
#10 – Macaulay Culkin and Hulk Hogan in:
LEAVE ME ALONE!
“When the family’s away, the Hulk comes to play…”
Anyone for a high-energy 90s caper starring the kid from Home Alone and a man that could probably take on Dwayne Johnson in an arm wrestle? I thought as much. This little gem came from John Underwood who, aggrieved at the thought of Taylor Lautner as Goliath‘s David, demanded a time machine and a young Macaulay Culkin to set the world of cinema to rights. A child home alone with a half-naked wrestler? It would have been bloody brilliant, Underwood. But, sadly for you, it can never happen. It’s time to embrace Taylor Lautner and his impossibly honed abs.
#9 – Audrey Hepburn and Tom Hanks in:
THE PRINCESS AND THE GUMP
“She was a princess. He wasn’t very bright. But, boy, could he type!”
Now THIS would be a romantic comedy with a bloody edge, right? Move over Meg Ryan, Tom’s finished with you. It’s all about Audrey Hepburn, with her refined voice and unwavering elegance. We bet she would have been fantastic in You’ve Got Mail. Admittedly, she might have had to stick to snail mail rather than email, but she’d have been wonderful. Add her to Tom’s effortless sense of humour and it’s a match made in celebrity heaven. If only I were an agent to the stars with a working Tardis…
#8 – Humphrey Bogart and Leonardo Di Caprio in:
CATCH A MURDERER (IF YOU CAN!)
“Nothing is ever completely black and white…”
Picture the scene; a street cordoned off with police tape, flickering blue lights all around. Two figures stand around a covered body, dressed in the obligatory beige overcoats, taking one final drag on their cigarettes before turning to one another and nodding. This is the work of The NY Ripper, alright. And, by God, they intend to catch him. But they might have to go and sexually harass a pouting starlet first. And have a little shot of whisky. And another cigarette. Then, and only then, will they start this case. Slowly the camera pans out and… oh my goodness. It’s Humphrey Bogart and Leonardo Di Blooming Caprio! Now THAT would be sheer casting genius.
#7 – Bill Murray and Kermit The Frog in
THE BACHELOR PAD
“He’s living with an idiot. And he’s hopping mad about it…”
It’d be the sort of movie that would knock Who Framed Roger Rabbit right off its pedestal, right? We’re talking Bill Murray and Kermit The Frog, perhaps as unlikely flatmates. I see Bill as the troublesome slob, who spends much of his time getting on meticulous little Kermit’s wick. After a particularly bad day at the office, Kermit comes home, tie all askew, only to find Murray has DESTROYED the apartment by accidentally activating some alien device. Hilarity ensues. One character learns the importance of responsibility, the other realises that, just sometimes, it’s time to lighten up. In fact, this one writes itself really so, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to give Murray’s people a ring…
#6 – Gene Kelly and Natalie Portman
D FOR DANCER
“She was lonely and vulnerable. He was a dancer. It was a match made in heaven”
Black Swan gave her the dance moves, so I give her Gene Kelly. Can’t you just imagine Natalie Portman and the lord of the dance in an utterly joyful and heartfelt romance? In fact, I’m imagining a sort of Karate Kid student-teacher scenario; Gene tutors Natalie in the art of dance so that she can find the inner strength to overcome the depression she feels since her husband was killed. In the war. On their wedding day. Trying to, I dunno, save the lock of her hair he always carried with him.. I’m hoping this will get the tears rolling down cheeks. Anyway, once she learns to feel the passion of the dance, she can feel passion for a man again… and who better than Gene Kelly? Gene Kelly and Natalie Portman. Argh! Movie magic.
#5 – Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger in
THE JOKE’S ON YOU
“Why have one, when you can have two?”
What would Batman find more unnerving than coming face to face with his arch-nemesis, The Joker? Answer: coming face to face with TWO Jokers. Obviously. I can imagine it now; we have Nicholson in his classic Joker guise, perfectly made-up, wonderfully dark humour and oh so quick off the mark. He causes a bit of chaos but, obviously, Batman soon has him backed into a corner. So things are under control? Not at all. Nicholson, instead of looking suitably scared and humbled, merely steps aside to reveal Heath Ledger, in the iconic streaming and cracked face paint and looking utterly murderous. Two Jokers, not one. Two. Let’s see you get out of THAT one, Batman!
#4 – Dick Van Dyke and Dakota Fanning in
A SPOONFUL OF NONSENSE
“When she had nobody, he swept her off her feet…”
And I’m talking YOUNG Dick Van Dyke. I see this as a sort of non-scary and female version of Oliver Twist! myself. Meet Dakota, a young orphan from a wealthy background, thrown onto the streets of Dickensian England . Unused to the life of hard knocks she takes fright at something and almost gets run down by a stage coach, but a lovable faux-Cockney chimney-sweep pulls her to safety. After a few setbacks, the pair form an unlikely friendship, possibly with a stray dog in tow, to keep the bond from going stale. This is all I have so far, but you’ve got to admit it sounds bloody good. You’ve got to admit that.
#3 – The Movie Dragons in
THIS SEX IS ON FIRE
“When Donkey’s away, the dragons will play…”
Aha, you can always count on Natasha Hodgson for a well-timed stroke of utter genius. As well as a strong desire to flaunt the rules; I said pairing, she gave me a threesome. A scaly threesome, however, so I’ll let it slide. Everybody likes dragons, right? How’s about we get George’s Dragon, the bestiality-crazed dragon from Shrek and the one from Disney’s Sword In The Stone, throw them in a tight spot and see what happens? There’s nothing bad about this idea at all. Sexy dragon fun for the win, this one would be the ultimate fantasy equivalent of 3D Sex and Zen.
#2 – Kate Winslet and Yoda in
DUDE, WHERE’S MY LIGHTSABRE?
“When the world needed a hero, he Forced one out…”
Thanks to Winslet’s new legendary status as an absolute fire-braving hero (oh yeah, I’ll mention it in every single post!), I feel she’d be the perfect fit for the role of an amateur Jedi warrior. After a young widower risks her life to save an old woman, she unwittingly channels The Force and finds she has secret superpowers. Who better to take her in hand then Yoda, the ultimate Jedi Master? Nobody, that’s who. This role would quite probably win Winslet her second Oscar, so it’d be easy enough to get her on board…
#1 – King Kong and Caeser in
“It’s the end of the world as we know it…”
So we know Caeser causes a whole wealth of trouble when he goes amateur revolutionary in Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, right? Imagine how much WORSE things would have been if he had King Kong on side, helping him tip over buildings and pull helicopters from the sky. We wouldn’t even need to waste all that time in the movie rounding up a monkey army, because, hey, Caeser and Kong have got it handled. Humankind would fall like a stack of fleshy-coloured dominoes, unless they had a pouting Fay Wray and some heavy-duty machine guns to hand. Epic chimpy drama coming atcha fresh from the BFF brains.