The Ten Lies of the Bromance
Back in the golden days of the 90s the silver screen jostled with rom-coms. Richard Curtis, and people who were almost Richard Curtis, ensured that we watched quite literally thousands of films about Julia Robert’s hair and Hugh Grant’s teeth. A generation of women had faith in the power of posh British accents, towering mansions and last minute love-dashes to the airport. And thus it was that millions of hopes were dashed when girls entered the real world of men; PES, the Stig and screen savers of Jessica Alba. Chaos broke out. It probably caused the credit crunch.
These days, it seems that the roles may have reversed. It’s time for the men to have faith. With films such as The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express and The Hangover grossing millions, a new romance has emerged- the romance of dude on dude. However, take it from those who have been burnt before on the flames of these pixelated promises, stop before you give your heart away. For, as Leslie Grantham or someone similar once said, ‘the course of true love never did run smooth, you slag.’
If we have learnt one thing from the creators of these man-a-man comedy flicks, it is that we have learnt ten things. Sadly, none of them are true. Before more damage can be done unto our delicate psyches, it’s time to expose the lies. Before it’s too late for men and women everywhere.
1. No matter what you look like, Katherine Heigl will probably sleep with you
Do you have any idea who Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up) is actually married to? It’s Josh Kelley. We know, we’ve never heard of him either but it turns out he’s a sex musician with deep dark eyes and deep dark hair. Not a beer gut in sight. So maybe get your act together a bit, yeah? No offense, but have you seen yourself lately? You’re a mess. Put some trousers on for God’s sake man, we’re in a supermarket.
2. Nights out end with the thieving of zoo animals, bagging hot strippers and chasing drug barons across a desert
Either that, or you wake up on a carpet with your face embedded in a Scrubs DVD box. Listening to the sounds of someone you hope you know being sick into a wardrobe.
3. Outsmarting the long chubby arm of the law is well easy in a cool and hilarious way
It turns out they can run.
4.Almost all women- anywhere- are smoking hot, wearing tiny shorts.
Are you saying you’ve never seeing Heather Graham (The Hangover) in the library? Oh come on, how about down Lidl? We’ve definitely seen Leslie Mann (40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up) in Little Chef in some little shorts, and what’s more, a mud fight broke out between her and the girl opposite. She was smoking hot. And wearing tiny shorts.
5. When all is said and done, your friends have hearts of gold
Because no matter what happens to you, at the end of the day we all grow as people, strengthen our bonds and learn a little more about this world we live in, right? Even Michael Cera and Jonah Hill (Superbad) shared a beautiful man hug at the end of it all. Alternatively, you find yourself being violently sick at a petrol station in Nottingham whilst your mates happily attempt a rock-paper-scissors championship in the taxi.
However, the news isn’t all bad. We can promise that behind the pristine ladies in these comedy classics lurk a few falsehoods which might just ease the quivering heart of the male. It’s time for the girls to be honest.
6. Girls are automatically shrink wrapped with extra disapproval juice
I reckon Christina Applegate (Veronica Corningstone; Anchorman) was forced to go to frowning lessons whilst everyone else got to rehearse the epic Weather Teams street fight sequence. No wonder she looked so pissed off on film. Let’s be honest, give a girl the option of a demure shake of the head or a good old fashioned wrench fight, 9 times out of 10 you’re going to have a lot of serious head injuries on your hands. Marvellous.
7. The Ladies Night Out can never be quite that horrifying
When we were young and naive we believed that girls somehow had more control over their actions than boys did. Even when completely submerged in the sacred pool of wasted-osity, nothing they did could really be as embarrassing as the things the lads got up to, right? In these films the ladies never seem ruffled, they have lovely shiny hair, the worst that Leslie Mann (40 Year Old Virgin) does is a bit of vomit to the face of Steve Carrell. A breeze. Sadly, we could tell you many a tale; stories of bags of poo, security guards, failed gazelle-like leaps over the homeless, that would prove otherwise. We could, but we won’t.
8. Girls aren’t geeks
Much was made of Andy’s (Steve Carrell) geek-pad in 40 Year Old Virgin, as a horror-fest for all women. Much as it pains us to reveal this, we’ve all done it, OK? We’ve all sat for endless hours on the Sega/the Gameboy/The PC/the Xbox 360 trying to complete whatever it is that will suddenly render our existences meaningful. For boys, maybe it was Gears of War. For girls, it was The Sims. For everyone, damn Guitar Hero World Tour has taken weeks of our lives away. We all have friends obsessed with World of Warcraft. Some of these friends have breasts. For the most part the girl kind. They are not proud. You are not proud. Let’s all be ashamed together.
9. Girls. And Boys. Never the twain shall meet.
Not a lot of cross-pollination of information in these films. Do you think.. maybe.. erm… we could sort of.. be… friends? It might be easier for everyone if we compare notes.
10. Girls totally know what they’re doing
There’s a reason these films are so unbelievably successful, and it’s not just because the men can relate to the sordid tales within. The girls are right there with you; worrying, full of shame, lying on a cheap sofa with a dead vole and no real idea how we got there. There’s only so much oddness we can conceal by having slightly longer hair, you know. These films strike a chord with everyone who watches, male or female, as we see our own ridiculous friendships- as well as our ridiculous lives- grinning back at us on-screen.
Much like when we were shocked to find that not all men own a manor house and kestrel, it’s rather vital for the men to know that girls are not free of the madness thoughts. We’re all in the mess together.
To be honest, the battle of the sexes isn’t nearly organised enough to be a battle. It’s more a children’s sports day. Some vague element of competition, completely overshadowed by the fact that no one knows what the hell is going on. Comforting eh? We bet Richie Curtis wishes he’d thought of that.