Top 10 Apocalyptic Films
#10 – Gremlins
The trouble with gremlins is that nobody really takes the menace seriously. Sure, they look cute and they’re a little bit idiotic and, sure, they burn in sunlight. But so do vampires and we’re pretty scared of them; just check out all those stakes, garlic cloves and cups of holy water we’ve got to hand! Gremlins are worse than vampires. They’re devious, they aren’t distracted by a lacy nightdress and they’re just… they’re just mental. One thousand little monsters with one thought in mind; cause as much chaos as possible and breed, breed, breed. Bloody gremlins.
Empty, smoking cocoons on the bedroom floor. Dodgy electrics. General mayhem.
“First of all, keep him out of the light… Second, don’t give him any water, not even to drink. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never feed him after midnight.”
#9 – Piranha 3D
Have you ever been enjoying a sex-charged porn-star addled holiday at a local pleasure beach and suddenly found the waters invaded by prehistoric flesh-eating fish? No? Of course you haven’t, because you’re not a thin red sheen on the surface. Piranha 3D taught us that survival is futile… there will always be a bigger fish out there. The only solution is to stay out of / away from all sources of water. And then we’d die, wouldn’t we? Just to recap: humans need water to LIVE but, if we go near the water, we get eaten by fish. WHAT A CATCH 22 SCENARIO THIS IS!!!
Cracks in the ocean bed. Prehistoric fish swimming about. A multitude of skeletons.
“They’re organized, methodical. The first bite draws blood. The blood draws the pack.”
#8 – Reign of Fire
You know what would be a really odd way for the world to end? Dragons. We’re completely unprepared for mythical beasts taking over the planet, aren’t we? Luckily, Reign of Fire, in which a hibernating dragon is discovered in the London Underground shortly after the millennium, is here to give us some pointers. Firstly, dragons are angry bitches when they’re rudely awakened by construction workers. Secondly, it’s the millennium (bad stuff always goes down around the millennium). Thirdly, dragons are famed for overreacting to things. Cue a world of ash and fire and Christian Bale living in a castle. You know the dragon droppings have REALLY hit the fan when Christian Bale is sporting a beard, don’t you?
Er… Christian Bale’s facial hair? A slight tang of sulphur to the air? DRAGONS MAYBE?!
“They’ll burn. We’ll build.”
#7 – The Spy Who Loved Me
This one is pretty odd, so try and keep up. James Bond, super misogynistic spy, is on the case of Stromberg, a villain with an accent. God, we so immediately suspect those villains with accents, don’t we Bond? Racist. Either way, Stromberg IS evil; he’s busy creating an underwater city called Atlantis. Why? Because he plans to cause a global nuclear war, destroy the world and start a new civilization under the bloody sea! He could at least have come up with a new name…
A surplus of irritated global leaders, the constant threat of war, raised suspicions about WMDs… hey, wait a minute!
“Observe, Mr. Bond, the instruments of Armageddon.”
#6 – Bee Movie
Okay, you can laugh, but this kiddy flick offers an oddly terrifying version of the Apocalypse; the bees have disappeared from their daily bee tasks. No bees equals no pollination, no pollination equals no plants, no plants equals no livestock, no livestock equals no US! Or, more horribly, no plants equals no oxygen, leading to a surplus of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and the subsequent death of everything on Earth. In a KIDS’ FILM! Oh yeah, the bees talk, but that doesn’t make them any less bastardly for their behaviour.
Talking bees, bees in court, a surplus of bees, NO BEES AT ALL
“How about a suicide pact?”
#5 – Deadly Eyes
Nobody likes contaminated grain; it does dodgy things to the bread industry and it causes black rats to grow to the size of dogs (more on which later). Deadly Eyes shows the citizens of Toronto falling prey to a pack of man-eating rodents and absolutely nobody is safe; a toddler in a high chair even gets munched up! A TODDLER! Sure, the film suffers a little due to the fact that the rats are played by… well, they’re played by Dachshunds with costumes taped to their backs, but the concept is still sound: rats are bad news. Very bad news indeed.
Bad corn. Rats. Giant rats…
“The rat population of the world is estimated to be 108 billion. 24 times the human population.”
#4 – Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Have you noticed how many of these end-of-the-world scenarios are brought about by an ordinary animal living alongside us? We’ve had rats, we’ve had bees and we’ve had fish, so it stands to reason we should turn to the ape world now. Bloody monkeys. Of course, it’s our fault really; James Franco was just trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s and, of course, try to figure a few things out with a genetically enhanced chimpanzee. You know what happens next:
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Well, if the talking ape is too obvious for you, how about just monkeys going bananas? Everyone heard about the chimp that methodically collected rocks in order to have missiles against zoo visitors, right? IT’S ALREADY HAPPENING!!!
“Ape alone… weak. Apes together strong.”
#3 – Invasion of the Bodysnatchers
Everything kicks off when Elizabeth Driscoll starts complaing about her boyfriend to her colleagues. She thinks he’s distant, cold and not at all the same person – he is behaving differently. While most would just suggest that she dumps his sorry ass, Elizabeth’s colleagues begin to notice that many other people have similar complaints – and well they might, since a race of gelatinous alien parasites are gradually replacing the human race with emotionless clones… using plants that get them when they sleep. Plants. That get them when they sleep. Plants. Nothing is sacred anymore!
Is your friend acting like a complete bell-end? Girlfriend a little snippy with you? Boyfriend hogging the remote control? THEY MAY HAVE ALREADY BEEN SNATCHED! It’s a conspiracy! You need to get away before they… argh! The pods are good. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s painless. It’s good. Come. Sleep…
“Matthew, I’m telling you something is going on here.”
#2 – Ghostbusters
We all know the story. There’s ghosts, they get busted… it’s not rocket science. In this article, we’re only interested in the doomsday element! Take, for instance, the moment when our paranormal experts stumble upon a gateway to another dimension; it’s immediately clear that this will release untold evil upon the city. And the world, should things get out of hand. Cue a marshmallow monster, an army of ghosts and a terrifyingly OTT end to life as we know it…
Check the fridge and all other major household appliances. Any dogs living in there? No? Good. We’re okay for now.
“Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!”
#1 – In the Mouth of Madness
Is all of this end-of-the-world stuff getting to you? Maybe you should step away from the TV and settle down with a nice book… hah! Like HELL you should! This film proves books are evil with a terrifyingly adult version of The Pagemaster. But, in this case, you don’t get dragged into the books, the books are dragged into you. I’m getting ahead of myself; meet Cane, a horror writer with a knack for bringing his words to life. When Cane mysteriously vanishes, it’s up to John Trent to investigate the matter and it’s not long before he ends up in the sleepy little East Coast town of Hobb’s End. A sleepy little East Coast town, huh? You can see where this is going. Yeah, this town exists as a figment of Cane’s twisted imagination. Yeah, he’s written everyone’s lives out for them already. And yeah, pointing this out to anyone gets you locked up in an insane asylum. What does this mean? Humanity is absolutely doomed.
A plethora of shotguns, flaming torches, axes and, of course, books.
“Your books SUCK!”