Top 10 Balltastic Films
#10 – The Firemen’s Ball
This 1967 film, directed by Miloš “Amadeus” Forman is set in the volunteer fire department of a small Czechoslovakian town. They decide to have a ball but then everything goes wrong and, according to Wikipedia, things keep getting stolen. That sounds like an awful ball! The only way that ball could get worse is if you thought you were going with the cutest guy in school but then you got on stage and they poured blood on you. That’s the worst way to ball. Interestingly, this film stars the actual firemen from the town and not professional actors. Isn’t that sweet? We think that’s sweet. It’s like how the pig in Babe is an actual pig.
Ball count: 1
#9 – Murderball
Murderball is a documentary about men in wheelchairs who play a really intense kind of rugby, which they call Murderball. That sounds mad. But maybe they should have gone the whole hog and called it DEATHBALLZ: Straight 2 Demonzhell. The film was critically acclaimed and nominated for Best Documentary at the Oscars that year, but lost out to a film about the 9/11 commission, narrated by Kevin Costner and Hilary Swank. Seriously? Those two? They won over DEATHBALLZ?
Ball count: 30+
#8 – Dragonball Evolution
This film is an adaptation of the successful Manga comic series and follows the exploits of Goku (Justin Chatwin) as he attempts to find seven of these things called “Dragon Balls” which summon a dragon who grants you a wish or something? Oh and there’s aliens. The film also stars Emmy Rossum as Bulma Briefs, James Marsters as Lord Piccolo and Chow Yun-Fat as Master Roshi. Remember when Chow Yun-Fat used to be in good films? And then he was in Bulletproof Monk and got a taste for the dark side. He should make a follow-up film called Dragonbulletproof Evolution Monk.
Ball count: 7 like we just said god why doesn’t anyone listen anymore
#7 – BASEketball
BASEketball stars South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone as two childhood friends who invent a game that is a cross between baseball and basketball. We literally have no more thoughts on this.
Ball count: 50+ (all giant baseballs)
#6 – Balls of Fury
Balls of Fury is about a former professional ping-pong player named Randy Daytona, who is recruited for a secret FBI mission and attempts to defeat his father’s killer, Feng (Christopher Walken). This film is notable mainly for Christopher Walken’s outfits.
Ball count: 100+ (all very small)
#5 – Monster’s Ball
Halle Berry won the Oscar for her performance in Monster’s Ball (in the same year she was boobing about in Swordfish), playing a poverty-stricken woman who embarks upon an intense sexual relationship with a racist prison warden (Billy Bob Thornton). Advice: don’t watch this film with your parents it has people sexing in it. Also there are no monsters in it! What is that about? That almost definitely counts as false advertising.
Ball count: none, discounting metaphorical/rude balls
#4 – Dodgeball
Dodgeball follows the exploits of a ragtag team of misfits working at an independent gym who club together to defeat an evil corporate health centre that is threatening their livelihoods. They have to take part in a dodgeball competition, though we can’t remember exactly why. But it does have Alan Tudyk in it as Steve the Pirate! He’s great. This film is not to be confused with the “docu-remedy” Dodgeball from 1995.
Ball count: 30+
#3 – Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall
The balls in this film could be metaphorical. We just can’t tell yet.
Ball count: TBA
#2 – Moneyball
Brad Pitt is good at acting and has a nice face. He also loves balls! “I love acting. And balls! I love those too” – B. Pitt, 2011. Accordingly he is starring in new release Moneyball, a biopic of Billy Beane, the baseball player turned coach who controversially pioneered the practise of sabermetrics. If you don’t know what that is, we’re certainly not going to explain it to you, so you might as well go and pour blood on yourself.
Ball count: 50+
#1 – Sphere
This film is about a really big ball under the sea.
Ball count: 1 (very large)
If you are dissatisfied with the balls we have selected (almost as if this whole thing were a kind of twisted, cinematic lottery) then please volunteer your own balls below.