#10 – Ellen Page is DEFINITELY gay

Ah, remember the fateful day Caroline O’Donoghue 100% proved Ellen Page is in the closet? No? Let us refresh your memory then…

Whip It may just be the best girly sports movie ever made, but let’s not for one second forget that it is a girly sport movie. And it isn’t even about cheerleading. As everyone knows, women who enjoy sports and physical activity are repressing their love of other women. For another thing, the movie was directed by Drew Barrymore, the world’s foremost bisexual woman. She even has a boy’s name and everything.

Look, here they are having a snog.

 

#9 – Watership Down is actually a naval movie

John Underwood bloody loves boats, doesn’t he? They’re the only thing he can muster up any excitement over. Still, in his quest to find the best ship in film EVER, he stumbled across the inimitable Watership Down – and history was made…

Not going to split hares (HAHAHA) here, Watership Down definitely isn’t a ship at all. It’s more… a hill. BUT it’s a hill full of rabbits that go out on completely terrifying missions to sexually slash and burn every other lapine community for miles around, gathering up legions of does like so many placid inflatable dolls and bringing them back to their rape warrens to be systematically brutalised by the bullying, laddish rabbits we’ve just spent half the film hating on (when the Dark Rabbit isn’t scaring the partially-digested grass out of everyone). Still, if you can’t beat them…

 

#8 – Celebrity fragrances are, quite frankly, utterly terrifying

Natasha Hodgson (praise be upon her) may have left us here at Best For Film – we’re still not over it, guys – but her legacy will live on forever. Remember the wondrous day she exposed the most unfortunate celebrity fragrances of all time?

Now it’s not that surprising that Justin Bieber, human barcode that he is, has produced a fragrance at the tender age of 9 (ish). What is surprising is that it’s a perfume. For, like, girls. Essentially – Bieber seems to say through his terrifying platinum cheeks – if you want to sleep with Justin Bieber you’ll smell how he damn well wants you to smell. Go Big or Go Home, you tearful parasites – any fan NOT wearing Someday by Justin Bieber clearly doesn’t give quite enough of a toss, and will be justly rejected when the time comes (Someday…). It’s only fair. Sure, you don’t have to wear it every day. That would be madness, right? But what if that ONE day, the one day you don’t spray yourself with Bieber juice is the day you bump into him? You bump into him and its just you and him and the sunshine, and he cocks his perfect little nose, and, and and then he tries to smell, but, but the smell, it’s not there, and the light goes out in his eyes, and you try to explain that it’s just one day, the one day you didn’t, you didn’t – but it’s too late. His eyes are dead and he walks away and you’re screaming now, you’re screaming and he’s gone and you’re lost, lost to a swirling sea of tears. Is that what you want? Is it? Fucking buy it then. Buy all of it. Buy it or be doomed.

 

#7 – The sexual perversity levels of Disney Star Wars are at an all-time low

Kayleigh is our resident Disney expert so, when she heard that Count Mickey had acquired the rights to the Star Wars franchise, she was quick to offer her predictions on what to expect from the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII. And, more importantly, what NOT to expect…

The Disney bigwigs may be a lot of things, but they’re not big advocates of brother-on-sister action. Well… not publicly, anyway. For that reason, Lucas’ strange relationship between Luke and Leia is one that isn’t likely to be repeated in the new Disney Star Wars films.

“You’re my sister, Leia.”
“I know. Somehow… I’ve always known.”

Then why on Endor did you stick your tongue down his throat in the last film, Leia, you incestuous slut? This kinda behaviour may be fine in Game Of Thrones, but it’s unacceptable when you have a Disney chaperone. Lucas is out, Mickey is in – and he doesn’t take too kindly to sexual perversion. Unless, you know, you’re watching The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. A smattering of IMPLIED rape is fine and dandy.

 

#6 – Theme Hospital deserves its own movie, damnit!

DVB plays a lot of video games, has a lot of opinions and has seen a LOT of movies. So it makes sense that he, in his quest to make Hollywood a better place, has identified the top 10 video games worth turning into films. Anyone else a Theme Hospital fan?

This has to be played 100% straight, obviously. ‘Doctor, get this man to the Inflation Room immediately, he’s got an extremely bloaty head!’ ‘Nurse, you fool! First I have to drain all the blood from this red man, and then I have to convince a series of men with sirens on their heads that they aren’t Elvis!’ ‘Doctor, I’ve never been spoken to like that in my life! And I’ve never wanted you more.’ [Doctor sweeps the papers off his desk, and we cut to a roaring log fire]. CREDITS.

 

#5 – There are a LOT more horses in film than you could ever know

Florence Vincent is, without a doubt, an utter genius, proven in literally any one of her amazing Top 10 lists. But it was her Top 10 Horse Moments in Films Not Specifically About Horses, co-written with her trusty equine assistant Mr Jingles, that REALLY made her an utter BFF legend…

BFF: The NeverEnding Story is a classic kids film from the 80s about a boy who discovers a magical world by entering a book.
Mr Jingles: Books are for humans. Horses don’t like books. Except for eating.
BFF: Would you stop that?
Mr Jingles: *mutters something indecipherable* I want a sugar cube.
BFF: It’s famous for a scene involving Atreyu (Noah Hathaway) and his horse, Artax. Whilst travelling through the Swamp of Sadness, Artax succumbs to the magical powers around him and sinks into the swamp. It is widely considered to be one of the saddest film moments of all time.
Mr Jingles: Why are you doing this to me? Why would you even ask me to come here?

 

#4 – …but you CAN love horses too much

Alex Mullane, in a quest to uncover the top 10 best zoos in film, stumbled across one of the most unsavoury documentaries we’ve ever heard of. You can love horses guys, but try not to love them THIS much, ‘kay?

The number one zoo in film is obviously Zoo, the documentary about a man who visits a farm in America with the aim of receiving anal sex from a horse, only to then die of peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. Just so we’re clear about this; he was bummed to death by a stallion. His case raised the unfortunate profile of ‘bestiality’ as a pastime, and led to the passing of several new laws forbidding it. That it was ever not illegal in the first place is incredible, but better late than never. Well, except for in this case.

 

#3 – Owls are infinitely better than horses

Best For Film is, as loving patrons of the site will know, all about owls. We just can’t get enough of their fluttering wings and soft, warm, feathered bodies – they’re the only reminder we have of the outside world. Owls are wonderful, that’s for sure, so it was inevitable that Kayleigh would attempt to identify the top 10 owls in cinema…

If everybody could please bow their heads and stand in silence for a few moments. Done that? Good. Hedwig has earned our respect and our grief; loyal, trustworthy and the colour of freshly-fallen snow, she was Harry’s most amazing companion (suck on THAT, Weasley!). Think how often she kept that bespectacled kid company when the Dursleys were being dicks to him. Remember how many letters she patiently delivered on his behalf. AND REMEMBER HOW SHE GAVE HER LIFE TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE DEATH EATERS?

The pain… the pain is still too fresh. Seven films worth of wonderfully owlish character and all they chose to remember her with was a gentle plummet to the ground. DOBBY GOT A BLOODY FUNERAL, DIDN’T HE HARRY? DIDN’T HE?! Jesus Christ, just a few tears, a tiny speck of remorse for your dearly departed owl… that’s all we ask.

 

#2 – The surprising way to spot a bona-fide loser

John’s handy guide to Loserville, TN (population: you) will help you navigate the treacherous terrain of social acceptance without becoming a one-note joke in American Pie. Grab a pen and paper guys, this stuff is well worth writing down…

Sleek hair. Shiny and sleek. That’s all you need to remember, losers – if your head doesn’t look like a glistening otter bounding from a limpid mountain stream, you’re DOING HAIR WRONG. Curly? No. Manic? No. Dyed interesting colours? Definitely, definitely not – you just know the cool girls are going to whip you with tampons or something. Ginger? Why don’t you just go and lie down on a dual carriageway, you utter disaster. Beards are also verboten, unless you’re in a flashforward and need to pretend you’re thirty-eight.

 

#1 – EVERYTHING is sexier in film

It wouldn’t be right to finish off without paying homage to Tash for a second bloody time, would it? Exactly. And this one, we promise, is a total humdinger; cue the top 10 sexy things that films lie to us about. Sexy sexy lies.

The Film Scenario:

“Kudos on the matching underwear, perfect figure, doe-like expression conveying both a shy reserve and powerful, wolf-like excitement, babe. I’ll set the lights to ‘Lynx Effect’ and we can forget about the contraception. That inexplicable bruise you’ve been worried about? Gone. And guess what, you DID remember to shave your legs after all. Now hold on tight in slow-motion to my exquisite cushions, this is going to last all night. All those things I can’t say because of that pain I have? I’m saying them right now. With my penis.”

The Real-Life Scenario

A real gentleman sleeps on the wet patch.

 

What’s the best thing YOU’VE learned from us wise old monkeys here at Best For Film? Is it that Ellen Page is probably a lesbian? Knew it.