Top 10 Cash Cows Of Cinema
#10 – Meet The Parents
Again and again!
Whaddaya mean, Meet The Parents has managed to churn out three films, based on the slim and hardly ground-breaking concept that someone doesn’t like Ben Stiller? Ahem. Sorry, we meant Son In Law; it’s all based on the concept that someone doesn’t like their Son In Law. The first movie was hilarious, the second was mediocre and the third was just terrible. The milk’s gone sour, Stiller!
#9 – The Inbetweeners
You aren’t in between anything anymore…
The TV series gave us a witty and insightful look at the secret life of boys, caught somewhere in between school and university. Not boys, not men. It’s a little like that Britney Spears song, I’m Not A Girl only you obviously need to replace the subjective pronouns. Anyway, the TV show was good, the subsequent film was sort of funny, kinda average. We laughed but we didn’t want to, if you see what we mean. BFF predict the second film to be a disaster, because we’re optimistic like that. Moo-ove over boys-not-men, you’re tainting British comedy.
#8 – Spy Kids
Please go bye bye kids!
Ah yes, the infamous Spy Kids. The concept, in case you’re an idiot, is that young children become spies and follow in their parents mysterious footsteps. This could be fun for one movie, at a push, but four? FOUR MOVIES?! It’s unnecessary and it’s wrong. This cash cow needs to be send to the nearest abattoir, stat!
#7 – Die Hard
Or just die?
Bruce Willis is a legend, don’t get me wrong, and I love the first two Die Hard movies. Who doesn’t? But I have a feeling that the third and fourth were verging on mistakes, whilst current plans for a FIFTH are just obscene. A geriatric John McClane and his two sons taking on local forces in Russia? So much is wrong about this. The milk’s run dry, the cow is knobbly kneed and greying. It’s time to let this one move onto pastures new…
#6 – Scary Movie
The joke’s over…
The wonderfully witty Airplane! by Jim Abrahams and David Zucker made film parodies an art form. Years later, the Scary Movie team rode in on the success of their forebears and gave us a an excellent parody of the Scream movie franchise. And then they tried to do it again. And again. And… well, you can see where I’m going with this. One was funny, two was charming, three gave us Charlie Sheen and, from four onwards, the jokes got sh*t. KILL THE COW!
#5 – American Pie
Anyone suddenly feel hungry?
Remember when American Pie was a pioneering teen movie? It had style, wit, banter and it threw up more sex jokes than a lecherous uncle at Christmas Dinner. God, we loved it. American Pie was like the big brother we always looked up to. But now, five years later, big bro’s pumped out a few kids, he’s working longer hours, he’s having an affair with Janice from payroll and, let’s face it, he’s a closet alcoholic. Basically, he’s just not cool anymore, and it makes us feel a little sad and stupid that we used to idolise him so. This is a very sad cash cow moment indeed.
#4 – Step Up
How many steps can there possibly be?
Step Up. Step Up 2. Step Up 3D. And now, obviously, Step Up 4. I hate dance flicks; I hate that they breed like Gremlins, I hate that they have vapid and idiotic characters and I hate that they now have trailers in 3D which send something inane, like a hat, flying terrifyingly fast towards my face. When will the madness end? WHEN WILL IT END? It’s udder-ly awful…
#3 – Final Destination
When will it be the FINAL Destination?
At first, it was a fun concept; people cheat death and then find themselves dying in variously amusing, shocking and unlikely ways. Now, thanks to the fact that there’s no less than FIVE movies clutching at the straws of this once innovative idea, we’re not shocked by anything. Not even by someone being burned alive in a sunbed or being lasered to death at an eye hospital. No sir, we can see it coming, each and every single time. You know what WOULD be shocking? No more Final Destinations…
#2 – Star Wars
Do you think George Lucas hates me?
The original Star Wars saga was just amazing, wasn’t it? Brilliant visuals, a wonderful storyline, characters we could really identify with… we all thought George Lucas was a deity sent down to Earth to live amongst us and teach us the ways of the Force. Sadly, it turns out that he’s just a money-grabbing whore. Three prequels, countless “specials”, re-releases, cartoons, animation films – why won’t he stop? Can someone just please make him stop? The field is filled with Jedi cows and we ain’t all that pleased about it…
#1 – The Fast And The Furious
Just drive on, sonny boy…
Let’s have sex in a car / on a car / with a car! Seriously, how many of these god awful films are the studio going to churn out? We’ve already got Vin Diesel lined up for the sixth (the SIXTH!) movie, scheduled for release in 2013. Thankfully for us, the Mayan calendar says the world is going to end next year, so we won’t be forced to go and watch it. Sure, we get great action scenes, hot naked girls, men with biceps like grapefruits and cars going really really fast, but do we need this six times? No, we don’t and so, to save us all, I brand this franchise a Cash Cow and I sentence it to immediate death.