Top 10 Cosmetic Surgery Ops We’d Love To See
# 10 – Angelina Jolie to have Dr. Octopus’ tentacles sewn to her supple body
With all of those rainbow babies to look after, a husband to satisfy and an acting career to manage, Angelina will be needing more than just the meagre two arms of a mere mortal. She is no mere mortal after all, but a super mum. Angelina’s frame already being constructed of titanium-steel, Dr. Octopus’ mechanical apendiges will serve as an almost natural aid to her action-figure. She can keep adding the arms as she collects the babies too.
#9 – Scar the Joker’s smile on to Adam Sandler
Being one of the least funny men in comedy, perhaps permanently scarring Adam Sandler’s face with the notorious Joker smile would make him a little more entertaining, or at least teach him a lesson for being so awful. Let’s get Sandler into method acting by lacerating a clown grin onto his lamentable face.
#8 – Wolverine claws for Jen Aniston
Stop being such a push over lady! With Wolverine’s claws you could scratch the shit out of that home-wrecking, blood-vial wearing Jolie. A face-off between the newly octopussed Jolie and a cattier Aniston could be the ultimate decider for Brad’s love. (Other suggestions include giving Jennifer Aniston a false pregnancy like in Alien so she at least gets to experience what it feels like. Harsh but fair.)
#7 – Mini-Bale
We hope to Mini-mise Christian Bale’s aggressively large ego with this cosmetic overhaul. Imagine Patrick Bateman as a 2 ft 8 midget axing prostitutes and mutilating homeless men.
Try beating on your ma and sister when you’re two foot tall Bale, you sack of scum.
#6 – Sylvester “Pinhead” Stallone
Soon, Sylvester Stalone’s addiction to botox will become so overwhelming that he craves the needles in his creaseless and eternally youthful face at all times, with the eventual outcome being a Sylvester that resembles Pinhead from Hellraiser. A “young” and beautiful Pinhead.
#5 – Re-assemble the dead
A Frankenstein monster made up of the celebrated dead would create the ultimate actor. Taking arbitrary body parts from the likes of James Dean, Audrey Hepburn, Marlon Brando and Heath Ledger (too soon?) a rotting, putrid and highly talented acting legend could be created.
#4 – Graft Hannibal’s mask to Lindsay Lohan’s face
She needs to steer clear of drugs and alcohol and what better way than obstructing her mouth and nostrils? This new fitting will help keep Lindsay out of trouble by keeping her sober and inhibiting her from hurling verbal abuse and saying daft things like she should have played Natalie Portman’s part in Black Swan.
# 3 – Surgically remove Keira Knightley and Emma Watson’s eyebrows
How you gonna act now?
Keira Knightley and Emma Watson share the unfortunate habit of acting solely with their eyebrows. They have a range of two experessions between them, but without eyebrows they would have none at all. And this would keep them off of our screens and out of our lives. A better world for all.
#2 – Make conjoined twins out of Katie Perry and Zooey Deschanel
They actually look identical. They may even be the same person considering we have never seen them in the same place at the same time. If not, they should be conjoined so that we would only have to put up with one of them. And they would have to watch each other poo.
#1 – Charlie’s Angel’s Human Centipede
The crowning glory of the Best For Film cosmetic surgery hot list comes in the form of Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore sown anus-to-mouth to create a sexy, crime-fighting human centipede. Now Charlie only has to provide for one agent, as the other two will survive off the defecations of the others. Yay! We’re sorry we put you at the back Drew, you are probably our favourite Angel, but you were so cute in E.T. then became a bit of a slut and we’re not feeling forgiving.