Top 10 killer animals
#10 – Snakes (on a Plane)
‘Harmless unless provoked’ is the tagline of this suborder. Frankly, they would much rather keep their bellies to the ground than be caught floating around in a pressurized canister, but when it comes to gangsters who are feeling a little desperate-times-call-for-desperate measures anything goes. Samuel L. Jackson bears the brunt of this attack as a crate of venomous serpents are unleashed aboard a Boeing 747 and driven to madness by a special pheromone that makes them just spitting mad. Here, the strategic use of luggage and an inflatable life raft to block their slithering about will help, until such time as you are able to shoot out the windows and suck them out mid-flight.
#9 – Sharks (a.k.a. Jaws)
These creatures of the deep don’t need much to see us as a meal option. We aren’t quite fat enough to be their first choice but that doesn’t stop them from the occasional “test” bites, just to make sure. In 1975, one of these beasts got the meanest munchies but struck upon some luck when it wandered into the bay of Amity Island. In cases where you’re dealing with a twenty-five foot, three ton shark, it’s best not to mess around with trying to suffocate it in shallow water or stabbing it with hypodermic spears filled with poison. Just grab whatever pressurized tank is handy, stick it in its mouth, aim your rifle and blow it to kingdom come.
#8 – Crocodile (Black Water)
If there’s one creature that missed the memo on our food chain status, it’s the crocodile. As far as they’re concerned if you’re in their territory, you’re fair game – so no dangling appendages over the side of boats or ends of piers. Their predatory nature makes them well suited to a bit of cat and mouse foreplay which they utilize both in and out of the water. Try running, but know that they aren’t as slow as they look; climb a tree if you like but watch out for that pesky habit of propelling out of the water. Basically, if you don’t have a firearm or an ominous pair of croc-skin stilettos then you can kiss your ass goodbye.
#7 – Lions (The Ghost and the Darkness)
It’s the males you gotta watch out for with this variety. Our lovely fluffy Simba can turn vicious man-eater at the drop of a hat, possibly ‘coz he’s got a nasty tooth-ache but probably ‘coz he just hasn’t come across anything better recently. Lions sans a pride are usually loners but they can join forces and if they do, ohhhh boy!, are they ever so much trouble. Stalking is their forte so expect a number of casualties and a few foiled traps before you get your animal. Unfortunately, your best bet at tracking them is under the cover of darkness, which also happens to be their favorite time of the day. Push comes to shove, burn down all the long grass in the vicinity, stock up on plenty of shells and pray you get lucky.
#6 – Wolves (The Grey)
The tale of the Big Bad Wolf is there for a reason you know! We aren’t a part of their natural prey but that doesn’t mean they won’t settle for us if their food sources are scant. Try to avoid pissing them off, because along with the power of the pack they possess the usual assembly of claws, teeth and stalking skills attributed to carnivores and are the only creatures known to take revenge. Trees are the best option if you have a few of them on your tail but if you got the time get a good fire going to keep them at bay. Going up against one mano-a-mano? Time to go MacGyver on their ass and get creative with your methods of murder.
#5 – Dogs (Cujo)
With a title like man’s best friend, it’s easy to forget that our cute and cuddly pets actually belong to a subspecies of the gray wolf. So, see those maim-and-mutilate properties above? They can do that too! Domesticity has made them content with a ball to fetch and good belly rub, but being infected by rabies can make them a bit peevish and just a tad more bitey. Should your beloved puppy start showing symptoms for goodness sake! don’t go locking yourself in cars with nary a snack or water bottle in sight. Remember that most conventional weapons, such as a gun or any sharp implement will do the trick as long as you have a steady arm and enough room to stay clear of teeth.
#4 – Boars (Prey)
Take one look at this beast and you know it’s built to do some damage. With a large, hard-skulled head and two fierce tusks it’s kind of surprising that they don’t take a run at us more often actually. Probably best not to go hunting for them in the dead of night, but then again it might be even better to refrain from contaminating their water supply with pesticides that will mutate them into blood-lusty freaks. Start channeling your inner-caveman but make sure to keep the family in line, ‘coz if the boars don’t get you they definitely will.
#3 – Rats (Willard)
We’ve had a rather checkered history with these rodents. They brought us the plague; we used them as lab subjects. They invade our homes; we leave out the traps. Their diminutive size gives us a sense of safety, lulling us into complacency under the guise of bothersome pests. Wake up, people! Sharp teeth and swarming colonies are the least of our worries when you take into account their proven levels of intelligence! So not only will they bury us under their combined weight and tear us into itty-bitty pieces, they’ll add insult to injury by outsmarting us to do so! You could do it the hard way and grab a few tails at time for drowning or you could go straight for the kill by investing in an years worth of rodenticide. Just pray they’re dumb enough to eat it all at once.
#2 – (Black) Sheep
You could never comprehend the danger lurking within these docile vegetarians. True, it takes a bit of secret genetic experimentation to unleash their bloodthirsty side, but after that it’s all them, baby. Unstoppable if they are part of a stampeding herd and pretty hardy when it comes to breaking down wooden doors, these livestock will commit to the hunt with a determination that’ll rival even Halloween‘s Mike Myers. But all is not lost! All you need is a sheepdog for herding and a match for lighting. What? No fuel? No problem! Their flatulence will get a good bonfire going just as well.
#1 – (The) Birds
One birdie, two birdies, even three birdies we can handle, but a whole flock of those suckers is a definite no-no. Imagine those pecking beaks, razor claws and small bodies, multiplied by freaking millions and dive bombing you at will. Panicking yet? Well, you bloody well should be. Combine the sizes of their populations with their generally smallish target size and you’ll see that even our esteemed authorities will have trouble combating the hoards. Let’s face it, if these guys grow the smarts to get together in a scheme of world domination, we got no chance in hell. Sorry!