Top 10 Marvel supervillains who deserve their own film
#10 – Morbius the Living Vampire
Languishing at number 10 due to the fact that he might actually make it into a Marvel film soon, Morbius is nevertheless one of our favourite villains. A pseudo-vampire whose powers arose from a scientific accident rather than the traditional being-bitten-by-another-vampire method, he is immune to silver, garlic and holy symbols but retains the photosensitivity and blood thirst of the classic vamp. Perhaps best known for turning Blade into the Daywalker, and/or for looking like a consumptive pantomime nonce.
#9 – Kraven the Hunter
The brother of the marginally less ridiculous Chameleon, who does what you’d expect, Kraven is an insane Russian immigrant turned big game hunter who takes on his foes – tigers, elephants, Spider-Man – with his bare hands, aided only by a super strength formula and his “great knowledge of pressure points” (ooh, scary). Think of him as Tarzan, but raised by some sort of jungle Fritzl instead of those nice apes.
#8 – Big Wheel
Look, if people still want to watch Michael Bay films then they might as well be openly mad. Big Wheel, born Jackson Weele, is a failed businessman who obtains a GIANT WHEEL WITH GUNS THAT CAN CLIMB WALLS after being taunted by Rocket Racer, a memorably racially insensitive minor villain whose main abilities were riding a souped-up skateboard and jive talkin’. Big Wheel goes after Spider-Man in his new toy, before accidentally driving it off a rooftop and into the Hudson River; he was presumed dead for more than twenty years of comics, before being revived as a reformed villain and member of AA-esque group VilAnon. The redemptive tale of a bad guy struggling to turn his life (and his big wheel) around would be fun, but I think what we all want is to see Mark Wahlberg riding a massive CGI monowheel in glorious 3D.
#7 – Mongoose
That’s three Spider-Man villains in a row (Peter Parker does seem to attract the crazies), so we’re heading all the way to Asgard for our next pitch. The Mongoose is a… well, he’s a mongoose. Admittedly, he’s a genetically engineered mongoose with, like, gas grenades and stuff, and he doesn’t even look much like a mongoose now, but MONGOOSE MAN has got to have some legs. Apart from anything else, we could solve the pension crisis at a stroke – when a generation of octogenarians find out that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi is now a bastard, they’re liable to fall down dead.
#6 – Mercurio the 4-D Man
Everyone bloody loves elemental powers – whether it’s that stupid little kid conjuring wind in The Last Airbender or Nic Cage wielding hellfire in Ghost Rider, a healthy dose of raw flame or frost is guaranteed to bring in the punters. Allow us to present Mercurio, an alien who is trying to steal Earth’s electromagnetic field to save his dying planet when SOMETHING WEIRD HAPPENS and he turns into a sort of cross between Pyro and Iceman via DC’s Two-Face. In a world of increasingly dark and gritty superhero films, Mercurio would be a villain with pizazz, projecting fire with one hand and frost with the other in a glorious maelstrom of green-screened fury. Or, if you wanted to take him dark, how much more conflicted can you get than a stranded alien whose body is split between two different galaxies?
#5 – Bushmaster
The second of our animal-themed villains (frankly, only putting three in the whole blog was incredibly restrained of us), Bushmaster is a former quadruple amputee who is given bionic prostheses by a shadowy corporation. You’re probably assuming we mean two arms and two legs, aren’t you? WRONG. Bushmaster’s new limbs include two arms (each with a ‘fang’ that looks like one massive Wolverine claw) and a MASSIVE BIONIC TAIL for whipping, slithering and generally getting his hiss on. Best known for getting repeatedly battered by Captain America as part of the utterly rubbish Serpent Society, Bushmaster is currently in custody (no word on whether anyone’s milked his massive fangs, WINK).
#4 – Absorbing Man
Remember how much you hated Sandman in Spider-Man 3? Well, that’s how much you’re going to dig Absorbing Man. Winner of the ‘worst name in this whole blog’ award, Absorbing Man was a simple boxer and criminal when he inexplicably drank a potion made by Loki and filled with tricksy Asgardian treats. The result: Absorbing Man has an incredibly badly defined ability to absorb the physical properties of anything he touches, be that mass (from a building), resistance to damage (from titanium), spikiness (from… spikes) or energy, a taste for crap music and a sudden conviction that you’ve got a brilliant idea for a business (apparently he really does mimic cocaine at one point). He’s basically Ditto from Pokémon, but with trousers.
#3 – Sauron
Marvel just don’t give a toss, do they? Sauron bears absolutely no resemblance to the Middle Earth baddie; he’s a geneticist who uses the absorbed energies of other mutants to turn into a massive humanoid pteranodon with orange eyes. Who can breathe fire. If you can think of a better role for Ewan McGregor than a scientist who transforms into a psychotic vampire lizard thing, we’d like to hear from you.
#2 – MODOK
MODOK (Mechanised Organism Designed Only for Killing) is a pretty obvious shoo-in for the top end of this list (why’s he only at number two? You’ll have to wait and see) – there are very few cards that beat ‘mutagenically enhanced superbrain in a hover chair, who can do really good maths and IS ALSO EVIL’. Think of him as a bit like Kevin Spacey’s piss-poor character from 21, but with even less of a conscience and an even more massive head. A MODOK film would be like Yoshihiro Nishimura remaking A Beautiful Mind, and it MUST happen before we die.
#1 – Mandrill
Somewhat counterintuitively, it’s quite hard to make a supervillain genuinely controversial – mostly they just want to take over the world, which we’d clearly all do if we had the chance, and they usually have some sort of soft emotional underbelly for us to coo over. Enter Mandrill, a massive monkey who repeatedly uses his ‘pheromone abiility’ to RAISE ARMIES OF ZOMBIFIED BLACK WOMEN (it’s heavily implied that they’re in some way more suggestible than white women) and take over Africa/America/wherever else has a ready supply of bananas and tyre swings. Marvel wouldn’t have to spend a penny on marketing a Mandrill film; the armies of don’t-intersect-my-privilege tossers on Tumblr would do it all for them.