Top 10 Movie Strippers of All Time
The movie stripper has been many things throughout cinema’s history; sometimes pitiful, sometimes funny, often addicts, mostly sexy and always naked. In other words, they are made of much of the stuff that makes life fun, and that makes them fun to watch. With the sculpted strippers in Magic Mike being touted as the icing on an already delightful plot-based cake, we’ve put ourselves through countless gyrating individuals of varying quality to seek out the very best professional clothes-taker-offers in film. Suffice to say, it was hard.
#10 – Lindsay Lohan (I Know Who Killed Me)
Because who needs to be taken seriously as an actress, right? For young Hollywood actresses, deciding to play a stripper is usually for one of two reasons. The first is when they realise that when they are devoid of usable talent, the next thing to do is to get their kit off. The second is when they become established and famous for playing a psycho geneticist or something equally serious business, after which they need to show that they’re good for the wank bank as well as the gene bank. Lindsay is obviously the latter. Duh.
#9 – Natalie Portman (Closer)
Before she was frantically muff-diving towards an Oscar in Black Swan, Natalie Portman played 2004’s laziest and most irritating stripper on the planet in Closer, opposite Clive Owen (Duplicity), Julia Roberts (Mirror, Mirror) and Jude Law (Sherlock Holmes). Poor Clive leches for all he is worth, slipping ones into her garter like they’re used Kleenex, all the while asking lovely questions about her cunt (that’s verbatim), and she more or less does a “seductive” version of the Macarena and calls it a day. Had Lindsay Lohan not seen fit to get on the pole for what clearly isn’t the first time in her life, she would have only made No. 10.
#8 – Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge!)
While not strictly a stripper, no blog about people who disrobe for dolla would be complete without a cameo from Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge!, a.k.a. the “courtesan Satine”, who Ewan McGregor spends approximately 95 minutes and seven 80s power ballads in a bright-eyed cloud of adoration over. Kidman as Satine is so alarmingly sexless in contrast to McGregor’s portrayal of possibly the only undersexed English poet in fin-de-siècle 19th-century France that the chosen image is of what, if it had a face, Christian’s willy would have looked like throughout Baz Luhrmann’s garish and fabulous titty-romp.
#7 – Gina Gershon (Showgirls)
Though it’s Elizabeth Berkeley who ran right out of 90s cult-series Saved By The Bell straight on onto the pole and into our hearts, she was out-manoeuvred in every scene she was in with Gina Gershon, who played broken-hipped bisexual Cristal Connors. Gershon combines a genuinely lovely character with a face that moves a fair bit, unlike Berkeley’s beautified corpse and pneumatic tits – Exhibit A above.
#6 – Jessica Alba (Sin City)
We find it difficult to fault Jessica Alba; like Kate Hudson, she has almost never tried to prove herself as anything other than a super-fit girl who can bust a move or two and memorise some lines from time to time. She’s not groundbreaking, and she does what all of us would do given half a chance. Minimal effort, maximum income. It’s the American dream, really. Hence the chaps, you see. Gosh, this girl’s deeper than we give her credit for.
#5 – Kristen Bell and Christina Aguilera (Burlesque)
This is a twofer, and with good reason, because unlike their predecessors (on this list), Bell and Aguilera portray burlesque dancers rather than out-and-out strippers/prossies. By classing up the joint slightly, a whole other sort of freak flag is allowed to fly. I’m sure the above is how Christina Aguilera actually gets out of bed every afternoon, but where the fuck else would she have been allowed to re-enact it for money? NOWHERE. Bell, on the other hand, is just a hilarious little cow, much like her breakthrough role as Veronica Mars, but with more nipple.
#4 – Robin Wright (Forrest Gump)
Oh, Jenny. Captured most profoundly in The Lonely Island’s cinephile-rap Jack Sparrow, whilst not exactly a stripper per se, Jenny’s decline into singing Bob Dylan while conveniently naked but for a guitar has plucked at audience heartstrings for years. She is by far the saddest stripper on our list, bringing out a side of our Gump we’d never otherwise have seen. Excuse us whilst we go and give Tom Hanks another round of applause for a job well done, now we’ve remembered.
#3 – Adam Garcia (Coyote Ugly)
Fuck Tyra Banks’ half-arsed impression of a Tilt-a-Whirl in the first half of the film, or Piper Perabo’s obnoxious singer-songwriter schtick. The rest of the girls are competent, funny and cheeky as all hell in an immensely enjoyable film, but it’s Adam Garcia who really steals the show, flying the flag for male amateur strippers everywhere. With moves like that, we wouldn’t be surprised if he worked with a teenage Channing Tatum back in the day.
#2 – Jennifer Beals and Marine Jahan (Flashdance)
Who is Marine Jahan, you ask? BFF prides itself on its omniscience (read: mastery of Google), which includes the name of Jennifer Beals’ dance double for the iconic Flashdance. In our customary trailblazing fashion, we are congratulating her for all her hard work above, rather than Jennifer Beals, who showed no talent for anything other than fake welding and knowing her way around a sit-up. Not that we’re really anything other than jealous; BFF Towers is cracking on with the Double Stuff Oreos today.
#1 – EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM (The Full Monty)
The perfect happy-stripper film, really. Plenty of masculine nudity – though considerably hairier and swarthier than the streamlined waxed torsos (akin to surfboards) of the cast of Magic Mike – a baying lascivious public, double entendres out the wazoo and not a line of cocaine in sight. And JUST LOOK AT THE CUTE OLD MEN, especially Robert Carlyle. The stage show can suck it.