Top 10 Reasons to Suspect Ellen Page is in the Closet
Oh, Ellen Page. She always has been a bit of a black sheep, hasn’t she? For a long time, we suspected that the reason she plays intelligent roles, looks like an English undergrad and never seems to give much of a shit about anything was because she was Canadian. God, we are naive. Luckily, it has been revealed by the sacred board of Some People on The Internet that the source of Ellen Page’s mythic prowess does not simply stem from the fact that she’s Canadian or just generally a badass mo’fo: she is in fact a secret lesbian.
Earlier this month a website called V-Generations published the article entitled ‘Ellen Page – The Hypocrite’ attempting to bully Page out of the closet that – according to the over-zealous author – she is so obviously in. The writer of the piece defends the article with: “I gave Ellen Page a decent chance to come out with the truth. Two months ago, I mentioned her in my LGBT article and made it pretty clear what she had to do. (Yes, she knows about this site.)”
She goes onto claim that Page is “hiding in the closet making lucrative business deals” while “gay teenagers struggle to survive”. The article was ridiculous for a number of reasons. For one thing, whether Ellen Page is or isn’t a lesbian, it’s hardly her responsibility to come out in order to somehow ‘save’ gay teenagers. As long as she still makes decent movies and keeps being a generally sensible lass, we don’t really mind who she goes out with. But being OK with things just isn’t as much fun as building aggressive cases against people based on nothing, so here we are. Ten Reasons to Suspect Ellen Page of Loving Fanny.
#10 – She rapes Michael Cera in that one movie
With the sad eyes and sluggish demeanour of a basset hound, it’s hard to fathom the likes of Michael Cera impregnating anyone, much less the apparently hyper butch Page. Anyone who has seen Juno may remember the scene in which Juno’s eggo famously becomes preggo. Let me refresh your memory: Michael Cera is sitting naked in an armchair, squirming in terror. Juno takes off her knickers and sits on him. Sex scene fin.
This seems incredibly suspect. She also smokes a pipe afterwards.
#9 – She played “Kitty Pryde” in X-Men
Oh come on. I know Kitty Pryde is a long established character of the X-Men universe, but this character title is just one synonym away from being completely obscene. Could this be a sly hint at Ellen Page’s love of… uhm, kittys?
#8 – She made a roller derby movie with Drew Barrymore
Whip It may just be the best girly sports movie ever made, but let’s not for one second forget that it is a girly sport movie. And it isn’t even about cheerleading. As everyone knows, women who enjoy sports and physical activity are repressing their love of other women. For another thing, the movie was directed by Drew Barrymore, the world’s foremost bisexual woman. She even has a boy’s name and everything.
Look, here they are having a snog.
#7 – She castrates men
If anyone has seen Hard Candy, they know one thing: you cannot un-see Hard Candy. Although the famous scene in which Page’s character, the 14-year old Hayley, castrates her cyber pal Jeff is supposedly in the name of being a paedophile vigilante, we now know the real reason. She just hates willies.
#6 – She wears trousers
Skirts are for girls and trousers are for BOYS, Ellen. If you a girl and YOU wear trousers, you are also a lesbian.
#5 – She can play the guitar and likes Patti Smith
What do all these women have in common? They all play guitar, and they are all lesbians.
#4 – Her name is Ellen
If only I could think of more lesbians called Ellen… OH WAIT. This case is slowly building against you, Page.
#3 – She did an SNL skit about coming out
Or was it a skit? Was she just really coming out? Has Page gone meta?
“Why does everything have to be a label? Why can’t I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?”
#2 – She looked really pissed off about having to kiss Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Inception
#1 – She goes antiquing. In Montreal. WITH OTHER WOMEN.
Let’s face it: if you’re not Frasier, and you use “antique” as a verb, you’re almost certainly a lesbian. Also, she’s in Montreal, which is famously where all the cool gay people go to hang out.
Hang on. Didn’t I just use the word antiquing?
Maybe I’m a lesbian. I have been looking at pictures of Ellen Page for two hours.