Top 10 Sexiest Film Clergymen
#10 – Priest (Paul Bettany), Priest
2011’s Priest is about a priest in some future post-apocalyptic world whose niece is abducted by vampires. The priest goes on the hunt for said niece with the help of a wasteland sheriff (Cam Gigandet) and a warrior priestess (Maggie Q). Because that’s what the future is going to be like, everyone. Forget trying to carve out a name for your budding graphic design company, you will have THREE options: Priest/Priestess, Wasteland Sheriff (?) or Niece. “Vampire” doesn’t count because they’re self-employed.
So anyway, here’s Paul Bettany being a sexy priest, getting handsy with some post-apocalyptic skank. You can tell he’s a priest because he has a cross tattooed on his head. Other signs include his character being called “Priest” and this being the film Priest.
#9 – Father Francis (James D’Arcy), Exorcist: The Beginning
Like many films that are good and bring us joy, classic horror The Exorcist has been repeatedly molested by the Hollywood fatcats, spawning Exorcist II, Exorcist III and most recently a prequel, Exorcist: The Beginning, in which Max von Sydow’s character from the original film, Father Merrin, encounters the demon Pazuzu in East Africa. Haha. Pazuzu? Is that for real what the Exorcist demon is called? That sounds like a delicious tropical fruit.
Luckily, this film features a rather sexy saving grace in the form of English totty James D’Arcy as Father Francis. We can’t verify exactly what it is that he does in this film apart from holding a lantern. But, by gum, does he hold that lantern.
#8 – Father Michael Logan (Montgomery Clift), I Confess
This little-known Hitchcock film follows the story of a priest, Father Logan, who becomes caught up in a murder investigation following the culprit confessing to him about the crime. Logan is unable to tell this to the police, what with it being against all those Catholicism rules. This film is mainly sexy because it involves handsome cove Montgomery Clift and some stuff about a past affair with some sort of Forties tart.
#7 – Father Greg Pilkington (Linus Roache), Priest
You know how it is, Greg is just a young dude trying to make an honest living as a man of the cloth. And then Robert Carlyle ruins everything by popping up and tempting Greg into doing the sideways jive (I don’t know what that means). The long and short of it is, Father Pilkington gets in trouble with the Catholics. On the plus side, it does make Greg a pretty sexy guy! Well done Greg. Keep up the good work, sexing your way out of the church and into our hearts.
#6 – Alex Bernier (Heath Ledger), The Sin Eater
Young priest Alex Bernier is sent to Rome to investigate the death of the excommunicated Father Dominic and discovers dark goings-on and things to do with the Devil, probably.
This film is also known as The Order which is about 50 times less sexy than The Sin Eater. Doesn’t it sound like the title of some super sacrilicious chocolate recipe book? It so does. And now we’re going to have to eat some kind of chocolatey pudding and then say ten Hail Marys and self-flagellate until we’ve burnt off the calories. Curse you, The Sin Eater! A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the fiery depths of Hell.
#5 – Priest Sang-hyeon (Kang-ho Song), Thirst
During the course of Chan-wook Park’s film the main guy – he’s a priest – gets turned into a vampire which means he can’t read the Bible anymore otherwise he’ll burst into flames? Something like that. He also betrays his priest ways by falling in love with a WOMAN and having an AFFAIR with said WOMAN.
We all know this film is automatically sexy because of the vampires. But also, rather interestingly, it was the first mainstream Korean film to feature full-frontal adult male nudity. You break through those barriers, Chan-wook Park! Down with men’s underpants! Up with full-frontal adult male nudity!
#4 – Father Andrew Kiernan (Gabriel Byrne), Stigmata
Is that hellfire or are my loins Byrning?
#3 – Father Gabriel (Jeremy Irons), The Mission
The Mission tells the story of a Jesuit priest, Father Gabriel, trying to protect a community of Brazilian Indians from slavery. And here’s Jeremy Irons as Gabriel with shitloads of Brazilian kids. Man, that looks suspicious. “What? No, they were already half naked when I got here”.
On a slightly more sexy note, it’s Jeremy Irons, guys! The voice that launched a thousand ships! What’s more, he’s not one of these lame indoor priests. He’s always rock-climbing and traversing the jungle. AND he communicates with the tribe people by playing the oboe. If there’s a sexier instrument than the oboe then I don’t want to know what it is.
#2 – Reverend Harry Powell (Robert Mitchum), The Night of the Hunter
The Night of the Hunter tells the story of a bad-ass reverend who marries a woman for her money, promptly kills her and then hunts down her kids. Played by a terrifyingly convincing Robert Mitchum, Harry Powell is one of cinema’s most infamous antagonists, with his tattooed knuckles, crazy preaching and woman-hatin’ ways. And seriously, what could be more sexy? “Woah, did he just slit that chick’s throat? SOMEONE pass me my smelling salts I feel a swoon coming on” – Womankind.
#1 – Urbain Grandier (Oliver Reed), The Devils
And so we come to the end of our list. Stealing the much coveted title of Best For Film’s V.I.P (Very Important Parson) and the hearts of freaky nuns everywhere is everyone’s favourite sinner Urbain Grandier, anti-hero of Ken Russell’s notorious 1971 film The Devils. Grandier is essentially the worst priest ever, shagging around like nobody’s business and sporting a very pornstar moustache. But compared to a lot of the other characters in this film, he’s actually kind of a cool guy, seeing as he doesn’t give anyone an enema.
Major sexiness points derive from the fact that we’re dealing with Oliver Reed, here. That guy was the cream of the crop when it came to hairy sex-men of the Seventies. Do you not remember that scene from Women In Love? PHEW. We all have to sit down and take cold showers now so we can continue functioning.
So if like us you are all hot under the dog collar after reading that list, you should go and put on a hair shirt and become a hermit or something, because you’re going to Hell for a very long time.