Top 10 Unsexy Sex Scenes
Shame is out! And, let’s face it, while we could talk about all the meaning and depth and excellent camerawork, all anybody is actually interested in is the sex. Obsessed, aren’t we? Totally. I suppose a little bit of the blame can go to the film industry; from The Notebook to Titanic, the sex scenes are gorgeous, long-lasting, magical and artistic. It looks good, doesn’t it? Check out Kate and Leo sharing a sensual romance in a steamed up car. Sure it looks hot, but try and recreate that in your own car and, let’s face it, you’re dogging. You’re dogging and, eventually, you’ll look up to see a pervert at the window.
You know what we need? A good old dose of unsexy reality…
#10 – Watchmen
It may be a little controversial to bang Watchmen on the list but, let’s face it, that airborne sex scene is horrendously awkward. Not only do Patrick Wilson and Malin Åkerman look like they’re taking advantage of the moment to show off their bods (to the strains of Leonard Cohen, no less), they seem to be enjoying entirely separate experiences; he’s all slow and intense and internal, whereas she’s gone for fast-paced pornstar writhing. Perhaps there are invisible people between them? And finally there’s the explosive metaphor at the climax; fire does not represent ejaculation. Well, even if it does, it’s completely unnecessary in THIS movie. As if we’d missed that little explosion…
#9 – The Back-Up Plan
Jennifer Lopez stars in this unrealistic rom-com, which tells the tale of an artificially inseminated pregnant woman embarking on a sexual relationship AND MAKING IT WORK! This would all be well and good if it weren’t for the hair-raising scene in which J-Lo has an unbridled orgasm mid-dry hump. Is it the female equivalent of premature ejaculation? Maybe, but we don’t really care because it’s just. So. Weird. ‘Nuff said.
#8 – Knocked-Up
Four words. “Just do it already!”
#7 – Team America
You know what’s worse than two puppets banging out every move in the Karma Sutra? The fact that so many of my friends find it hot. In fact, no. My friends I can cope with. But when the guy you’re dating reprimands you for calling it unsexy, you know you’re in trouble. I mean, seriously? These are PUPPETS – plastic kids’ toys bumping and grinding away at the genitals they don’t actually possess. It’s just like how our younger selves viewed the act of ‘making love’, back in the oh-so-innocent days when Barbie jumped Ken.
#6 – Black Swan
Oh yeah, we all know how sexy Black Swan is. Yeah, it’s SO sexy, isn’t it? God, remember when Mila went down on Natalie? How did we all stop ourselves from grabbing the nearest human and rushing to the nearest bedroom / bathroom / alleyway to recreate the scene? Because we were all too busy remembering how, when Natalie was following the friendly advice of her ballet teacher (“Go home and touch myself? Righty-ho!”), she reached her climax and then spotted her Mum sitting mere inches away. Mum. Inches away. Touching herself. SO MUCH WRONG WITH ALL OF THIS!
#5 – Howard The Duck
Have you ever noticed how ducks are sexy? Like, really sexy? You know what we need more of? Yeah, that’s right; human/duck sex scenes. What the duck?! George Lucas is one sick puppy.
#4 – Y Tu Mamá También
Premature ejaculation, no matter how romantically it’s presented, is always pretty cringeworthy. This one, however, really takes the sexual biscuit…
Although we do very much enjoy how she laughs in his face about it. We enjoy that very much indeed.
#3 – Bridesmaids
The opening scene of Bridesmaids may as well be called “Guys, This Is How NOT To Do It!” Kristen Wiig’s underwhelmed face, Jon Hamm’s over-enthusiastic thrusting and the mere mention of the word “rhythm” pretty much meant that this was a surefire winner of ‘Most Awkward Sex Scene (2011)’ In fact, looking back, it’s pretty much the human equivalent of the Team America puppets. Shudder.
#2 – Don’t Look Now
You know what? I didn’t even know what cunnilingus was until I started researching this article. I just assumed it was a type of mushroom. Thank goodness for Don’t Tell Me Now and the frankest love scene ever (EVER!). It’s just all out there, isn’t it? It’s literally all out in the open. Jiggle jiggle, wiggle wiggle, writhe writhe, pant pant, CUNNILINGUS ISN’T A MUSHROOM! OH GOD! OH GOD, IT ISN’T A MUSHROOM!!!