Top 10 ways to spot a Hollywood loser
If there’s one thing Hollywood has taught us, it’s that losers are everywhere. Sometimes they make the transition to non-loserville (usually by, like, taking that Alice band off), but if we’re going to know who to bully then we really, really need some foolproof tests to winkle out the losers and expose them to the world. Fortunately, we’ve prepped a Spotters’ Guide which will help you find the losers in any film, expose them and flush their homework/heads/pets until they’re illegible/bleeding/dead.
#10 – Computer skillz
This is fairly obvious, granted, but nothing screams ‘I’m a twat’ like being able to use a computer. Who on earth would play around on one of those dull little boxes when they could be drinking warm beer out of those red cups that you only ever see at keg parties in American films? Anyone who uses a computer for any purpose other than checking out sweet honeys is a dickmop of titanic proportions, and we don’t mind who knows it.
#9 – Knitwear
These are the rules: cool guys a) don’t look at explosion b) wear dreadful shirts and c) DO NOT COVER UP THOSE DREADFUL SHIRTS WITH JUMPERS. How are you supposed to be in the ‘in’ crowd if you’re concentrating on keeping your nipples lovely and warm? Man the fuck up, take off that Fair Isle and shiver your way to social acceptance, you twatbag.
#8 – Unusual pet
“Ooh, I’ve got an echidna!” “Ooh, I’ve got some frogs!” Why don’t you just fuck off and get a dog, losers? The novelty pet is a clear indicator of imagination, and that’s not going to do you much good where you’re going – onto the roof of the sports block while more deserving members of the student body throw breezeblocks at you. And rightly so.
#7 – Novelty sport
Nearly as obvious a loser tell as a disinclination to exercise (everyone loves a gleaming hunk who might as well be in a PVS! Am I right, ladies?) is the curse of the well-meaning loser: the novelty sport. Don’t these people understand the importance of blending in? Otherwise, like, some cheerleaders will probably pick on you or something. Track is totally not okay, even if you’ve just got up Ellen Page – after all, she’s a massive lesbian.
#6 – Interesting hair
Sleek hair. Shiny and sleek. That’s all you need to remember, losers – if your head doesn’t look like a glistening otter bounding from a limpid mountain stream, you’re DOING HAIR WRONG. Curly? No. Manic? No. Dyed interesting colours? Definitely, definitely not – you just know the cool girls are going to whip you with tampons or something. Ginger? Why don’t you just go and lie down on a dual carriageway, you utter disaster. Beards are also verboten, unless you’re in a flashforward and need to pretend you’re thirty-eight.
#5 – Weight issues
This one clearly needs no explanation – two thousand years of playground taunts can’t be wrong, lardbarrel. Maybe if you spent a bit less time comfort eating because you get bullied about your weight… oh, I see how this can happen. Vicious circle, isn’t it? No, I wasn’t talking about Jammy Dodgers. OR Wagon Wheels. Christ, you dreadful fat bastard.
#4 – No parents
How do you possibly think you’re going to manage to be cool without having a full complement of parents? Everyone knows kids who are raised by non-standard relatives turn out to be out of touch, excessively kind (deeply uncool; we all love a bastard, or are at least too nervous to say that we don’t love the bastard) and generally ill-equipped for high school life. It’s not just a coincidence that ‘uncle’ sounds so much like ‘uncool’, you know… </philology>
#3 – Parents
Have you not seen Carrie?
#2 – Artiness
D’you know who’s in to art and music and stuff? Losers. That’s SCIENCE. Whether you’re painting angry canvases in your basement (looking at you, Laney) or making stupid bracelets (this one’s for you, sideways ponytail girl whose name I can’t be bothered to look up), expressing your creative side is a guaranteed fast track to social failure. The only time culture is permissible is as part of a chick-banging strategy; cf Oz (CHRIS KLEIN WE LOVE YOU) joining the jazz choir, which is clearly a bitchin’ honeytrap because he ends up beating Kevin Spacey to the prize. The prize being Mena Suvari’s vagina.
#1 – Glasses
The absolute, foolproof, number one signifier of loserdom, nothing says ‘I will die alone’ like a pair of specs. Conversely, there’s no quicker way to transform a loser into a prom queen than by whipping off those dowdy frames and revealing the beauty within (or, at least, behind)! Nothing says ‘it’s what’s inside that counts’ like minor cosmetic adjustments…