Making trailers is a tricky business. You can give too much away, you can give too little away… in short, there is a mighty fine art to it. Instead of examining the Picassos and the Monets and the Dalis of the trailer world, however, we’re going to look at the Konys and the Stalins and the Hitlers. And we’re going to bring them to justice.

Sit back and get ready to enjoy the top 10 worst trailers ever made…

 

#10 – Cast Away

Cast Away tells the story of Tom Hanks getting stuck on a desert island, with only a bloodstained football for company. He eventually gets away. You know how I know that? I watched the trailer. And why would you watch the long, uncut version of Tom Hanks going silently insane on a desert island when you can watch the pocket-rocket version and pretend you’ve seen it?

Exactly. The trailer dudes diddled Tom Hanks.

 

#9 – Star Wars, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

You know what’s really not cool? George Lucas. No, that isn’t fair. George Lucas trying to be cool is desperately uncool. Check out this trailer for what is arguably one of his best films ever:

The narrator is just terrible, huh? Epic romance? Luke and Leia kissing? THIS IS ALL SO SICK AND WRONG!

 

#8 – Gremlins

The problem with the Gremlins trailer is that it doesn’t actually show me any Gremlins. Where are my little green critters? WHERE ARE THEY?

Okay, so it’s fine that they don’t show me a single monster. That’s cool. But do I need to be subjected to a slow and painful breakdown of The Rules? Exactly. This feels like a generic ‘Save The Animals’ advert; this 80s family have mistreated their Mogwai. Anyone else have a burning urge to donate some cash?

 

#7 – Bridesmaids

I remember sitting in a cinema, minding my own business, enjoying a keg of popcorn and waiting for the titles to roll on whatever flick I’d paid to see. And then this happened…

Was that necessary? Not only is this a total scene spoiler but, without context, it makes Bridesmaids look like a steaming pile of… well, you get the picture.

 

#6 – 21 Jump Street

21 Jump Street was not met favourably by us here at Best For Film Towers when the trailer landed in our laps. We couldn’t decide which of us deserved to head off and review an overdone buddy-cop drama (complete with lashings of teen movie)…

And then it turned out that it was actually amazing. No wonder Natasha Hodgson looked so smug when she published her rave review on the fast-paced satirical comedy.

 

#5 – The Breakfast Club

The problem with The Breakfast Club trailer is, basically, it serves the whole film up as a modern-day Aesop’s Fable. Look at those kids having such a jolly old time of it in an empty school. Isn’t it nice how they overcame their differences and found a reason to LIKE each other? Ugh. It’s basically one of those videos they’d stick on at school during circle time before making you discuss the concept of being unique.

The Breakfast Club goes far deeper than this; the pain, the misery, the personal torment of teendom, the high school cliques, the sadistic teaching staff and the bittersweet ending.

 

#4 – The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz is an absolute classic. Much like the phrase “an absolute classic”. Based on the book of the same name, we follow Judy Garland as she falls from one bland black and white world and smack-bang into the middle of a Munchkin’s paintbox. But the trailer decides to ignore all of this and focus on hammering one point home: “this is better than the book.”

Look at them, tossing books willy-nilly. Bang! Bang! Bang! Books fly like grenades from unseen hands and smash onto a wooden table. Books suck, thought the trailer guy, so let’s kill them.

 

#3 – Total Recall

The great thing about the original Total Recall film is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously. How can you ever take yourself seriously when Arnie is running about talking about going to Mars, after all. So what the hell is this trailer playing at?

It’s a bit like the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but Arnold Schwarzenegger is the bone. Plus there’s more spoilers than you can shake a three-breasted mutant at…

 

#2 – Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope

If I’d been a kid in the 70s and I’d seen the trailer for this film, made by that George Someone, I’d have chuckled ruefully to myself. Oh, so it’s set in space is it? And it happened a long, long time ago? Yawn. As if that’ll be any good.

And why is the title flying towards me so bloody slowly? I stopped caring about twelve lightyears ago…

 

#1 – Fantasia

Fantasia is amazing. It REALLY ‘unlike anything on heaven and on earth’. But the trailer makes it look like utter codswollop…

See the amazing flower-colouring fairies!

Doesn’t sound that compelling to be honest…

Laugh at Hop-Low, the ‘Dopey’ of mushrooms.

One, he doesn’t have a name. And two, Hop-Low’s in it for all of three minutes.

See lovely, alluring, bewitching centaurettes.

What the fuck is a centaurETTE? I’m campaigning for gender equality on behalf of all mythical creatures…

See Mickey and his magic broom THAT CAUSES A FLOOD!

Are you kidding me?

 

Do you hate trailers? Which do you hate the MOSTEST?