Top ten films which should be remade by Arnold Schwarzenegger
Richard Curtis has magical powers, we’ve already established this – when Notting Hill came out it single-handedly established Hugh Grant as the epitome of foppish and bumbling English chivalry, despite the fact that four years earlier Grant had been shopped for soliciting a nosh on Sunset Boulevard. Imagine what that sort of pop-cultural clout could do for Arnie (serial groper) and Austrian men as a whole! We refer you to Hitler and Fritzl, because we don’t know any other Austrians. Neither do you. This film needs to be made.
“Ooh look, I’m Michael Sheen! I’m universally acclaimed for my consistently spot-on portrayals of well-known twentieth-century figures in film! Look at me being David Frost!” Shut up, Michael, you dick. Have you ever been Mister Universe? No? Funny, that. Arnie could clearly have won the Oscar you weren’t even nominated for (ooh, sick burn) – and after that he’d go on to play Tony Blair, George W Bush AND Vladimir Putin like some sort of mad masturbatory political celluloid Cerberus. Whilst pumping iron. Eat it, Brian Clough.
In all honesty, we’ve had nothing to live for since the day we accepted that Arnie and Danny Devito would never again star in a riotous star vehicle. Twins was so damn charming! Well, at last there is hope. Scant months before we’re due to take delivery of both Shrek: The Musical and a pumpkin carriage-load of fairytale adaptations, there’s never been a better time for a live-action adaptation of Shrek – one where, at last, the titular ogre’s booming tones aren’t ruined by the knowledge that they’re somehow coming from Mike Myers’ horrible pigeon chest.
“YOU REMIND ME OF THE BABE.” “What babe?” “SARAH CONNOR, THE BABE WITH THE POWER.” “What power?” “THE POWER TO BRING FORTH INTO THE WORLD A CHILD CAPABLE OF LEADING THE HUMAN RACE IN THE DARK AGE OF MACHINE WHICH WILL FOLLOW JUDGEMENT DAY.” “Who do?” “HASTA LA VISTA, DICKWEED.”
Some of Arnie’s best work has been done in odd costumes with a vaguely feminine twist – he gave birth in Junior, for God’s sake, and all that was keeping him warm in that furry G-string was his flowing locks. Plus he’s used to wearing a prosthetic face over his metallic endo-skeleton. If we wait long enough then Robin Williams will go the way of Steve Martin and we’ll be too unhappy to watch any of his non-shit films; much better to get remaking them ahead of time. Mind you, they might have to redub ‘Euphegenia’ in post…
As far as we understand, Twilight has two types of male character – sensitive and buff. This is a waste of wages. Arnie can do sensitive – look at Kindergarten Cop! – and he’d look absolutely brilliant with badman pointy teeth. AND he definitely wouldn’t put up with any of that wanky ooh-look-if-I-go-into-the-sunlight-I-sparkle-like-a-pansy nonsense – Arnie would burst into flames, and still get the job done. A flaming man mountain of macho yet sensitive vampwolf Austrian? R-Pattz would take one look and shit himself.
Nobody’s arguing with Arnie’s wish to return to the epic 80s sci-fi which more or less made his name, but be reasonable – does the world really need another Running Man? And if Joseph McGinty ‘stupid nickname’ Nichol is really onboard to direct the putative fifth and sixth Terminator films then hopefully he’ll have the sense to stay well away. But Blade Runner… God knows Harrison Ford isn’t up to starring in a reboot, but imagine Arnie as a grizzled Runner training someone up à la Morgan Freeman in Se7en – we would genuinely watch that. Rutger Hauer would totally come back as Roy. It’d be ace.
Since the whole world has hated everything the Wachowskis have touched since V for Vendetta, the time is right for them to revisit their acclaimed debut feature – the trouble is, that lipstick lesbian/spanner-wielding dyke dynamic is frightfully 1996. Conveniently, Larry Wachowski has come up with some intriguing new raw material by BECOMING A WOMAN when nobody was looking; Bound could be given a 21st century twist by rewriting the lead characters as pre-operative transsexuals. Cue Arnie banging the living fuck out of poor delicate Michael Cera, and the Wachowski boys (/girls) are back in town!
The King’s Speech
Much though we love it, it’s a given that The King’s Speech took some fairly hefty liberties with history – most notably by airbrushing out the fact that about half the characters were massive Nazis. So what’s another tiny detail? Geoffrey Rush did a cracking job as Lionel Logue, but his Antipodean burr could never hold up against Arnie’s mighty Teutonic drone. Best For Film is happy to hock its diamonds and rent out its orifices to pay for the reshoot, just for the sake of the first magical time we hear the big man say “Berrrrtie!”
Well, it couldn’t be any more fucking awful, could it?