Panic stations- we do not know what type of wood Keanu Reeves is. A nice bit of antique mahogany? Is he a pale and interesting ash? Or is he something else entirely?

Is he Oak?

Oak has become the unofficial nation emblem for this country. It represents age, strength and beauty. Oak has been prized since the middle ages, due to its durability and hard wearing nature.

Keeves is not oak. His career, whilst impressive, will not be remembered in the future. He is also not quite beautiful enough to be oak.

Is he Walnut?

Walnut is a hard tight grained wood which can be highly polished. Walnut has a wide range of colours, from pale to very dark. It is highly prized as a carving wood and as such, very expensive.

Reeves is not walnut. He does not have a large enough range, and is definitely not highly enough sought after.

Is he pine?

Pine is one of the most commonly used timbers, being relatively cheap and easily obtainable. However. they do not have any decay resistant qualities and as such, can only be used inside.

Reeves is not pine. He is not that sought after, but equally, not that cheap. But he is resistant to decay (or criticism).

Is he Teak?

Teak wood is strong and durable, able to withstand extreme temperatures and lasts for decades. It is also relatively exotic, sourced primarily from Indonesia. It is normally used outside for decking, but recently has begun to be seen as a stylish alternative to oak and pine for the home. It has a darkened antique appearance and a natural straight grain.

Reeves is strong (as seen in The Matrix). He is also durable, as his career already spans over three decades. He is fairly exotic, having been born in Lebanon. He is sometimes used as a stylish alternative to other actors, and he has a naturally dark appearance.

Therefore, we can conclude that Keanu Reeves is in fact made of teak. This explains why in every role he gives a remarkably wooden performance.

Join us again soon when we find out what Reeves did when he discovered many of his cousins had been sacrificed to the altar that is coffee tables. Clue- he wasn’t chipper about it.