Wait, what? We mean, Watt? What, Watt?

Yeah, apparently this is the sort of thing that’s allowed to happen nowadays. Naomi Watts, perhaps the most reliably disappointing A-list actress in the business, is to play the troubled People’s Princess in the last two years of her life (before, y’know, Prince Philip had her assassinated). Caught in Flight will be written by Stephen Jeffreys (The Libertine, loads of plays) and directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel (The Invasion, which in case you’ve forgotten was that ghastly Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake).

The film will focus on Diana’s attempts to balance her personal life and humanitarian work, and will pay particular attention to her affair with heart surgeon Hasnat Khan, the man many said was the love of her life. Although they knew bugger all about it, obviously.

Jessica Chastain was apparently attached to the project last year, although she pulled out because she’s not an idiot. Let’s look forward to finding out just how much of an idiot Naomi Watts is! Based on You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger, we’re saying: quite an idiot.

Christopher Lee totally has to play Philip, doesn’t he? In his Star Wars robes. With a lightsaber. Would you watch Caught in Flight then? Us neither, tbh.

Here’s you go:

‘NYMPHOMANIAC is the light and poetic story of a woman’s erotic journey from birth to the age of 50 as told by the main character, the self-diagnosed nymphomaniac, Joe.

On a cold winter’s evening Seligman, an old bachelor, finds Joe semi‐unconscious and beaten up in an alleyway. After bringing her to his flat he sees to her wounds while trying to understand how things could have gone so wrong for her. He listens intently as she over the next 8 chapters recounts the lushly branched-out and multi faceted story of her life, rich in associations and interjecting incidents.’

To be fair to Von Trier, no matter what you make of his creative output, there’s no denying that he’s always worthy of being talking about (NAZIS NAZIS NAZIS). Last year’s Melancholia was certainly one of the more original and ambitious dramas of 2011, with Gainsbourg on wonderful form (does she have any other type of form?).

So the question now is whether Von Trier is going to stick with his credo of releasing both a hard-core and a soft-core version? And perhaps, more pertinently, who on earth would bother with the soft one? Stay tuned, sexual-deviance lovers!

So yeah, apparently funny man Carell and Keira ‘I’m still here’ Knightley are starring in Lorene Scafaria (writer of Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist)’s directorial debut. Keira Knightley? In… in converse? With ironic hair and a duffle coat? It just smells wrong. Anyway, the premise is that the world is about to end, and two no-hopers go on a mission to find someone to spend their final moments with. What’s the betting they find each-other? Anyone?

What is there to say? Maybe it will be amazing. Maybe, just maybe, Keira’s just been devastatingly mis-cast all these years, and she’s actually born to play a manic pixie dream girl? And there’s a dog in it, which is always cute. And the title is KNOWINGLY verbose. So knowingly. Yeah. At least it can’t be more depressing than Melancholia, right?

Take a look, and prepare to say a cheerful, blood-stained hello to all the old gang. And Ed Norton. There’s always space for Ed Norton.

Albert Finney! Joan Allen! David Strathairn! Scott Glenn! It’s good to see you again. Ed, Oscar Isaac, Rachel Weisz – time to prove your worth to the CIA. So Legacy picks up where Ultimatum left off, with Jason Bourne moving aside for an agent even more dangerous – Kenneth Kitson. Cath Kidston’s infinitely more terrifing brother. That’s basically all we need to know for now, and the message is loud and clear: THIS FILM WILL BE EVEN BLASTIER, PROMISE. We’re intrigued. Will we end up missing the dreamy team of Damon and Paul Greengrass? Or is this some much needed new blood? Bring it on, Renner. What else you got?

The Big Yin has rounded off the cast with the confirmation that he will be appearing as Dáin Ironfoot, a mighty dwarf warrior who also happens to be cousin to Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage).

In a statement, director Peter Jackson said “We could not think of a more fitting actor to play Dáin Ironfoot, the staunchest and toughest of Dwarves, than Billy Connelly, the Big Yin himself. With Billy stepping into this role, the cast of The Hobbit is now complete. We can’t wait to see him on the Battlefield!”

Despite his background in comedy (he once said that “My agent regards my Hollywood career as an expensive hobby”), Connolly has extensive acting experience, including several hefty action roles – he played the psychopathic ‘Il Duce’ in 1999′s The Boondock Saints and briefly accompanied Tom Cruise to Japan in The Last Samurai. D’you know what, Peter? We can’t wait either.

“I saw Julian, we went sledging together so we were talking about a Boosh where we should get together and do a film, finally! There’ll definitely be sledging in the Boosh film, there’ll have to be won’t there?”

Bearing in mind that Saturday is the four year anniversary of the last season of the technically-not-dead-yet Boosh TV series, forgive us for taking this announcement as Mr Fielding getting a little dizzy on lemonade. The thought of feature length Boosh is intriguing: the 2008 Mighty Boosh tour remains the highlight of the entire endeavour. But bearing in mind that neither he nor Barratt have produced anything worth watching since said tour – and we’re including the third season in that – we’re going to pretend this hasn’t happened and go back to not watching Luxury Comedy.

Just click on them, look at the big versions and then hurry off to kill yourself:

In what horrible, twisted world is it necessary to write ‘FEEL THE WRATH’ on five different posters that you’re releasing at the SAME FUCKING TIME, Warner Bros? Give us strength.

Do you want to see Wrath of the Titans? In that case you’re banned from this site. Piss off to Empire or somewhere, God knows they’re not choosy.

JGL is apparently gearing up to make his feature-directing debut with a modern take on Don Juan – an infamous tale of womanising, sin and ultimately sexy sexy tragedy. Word is that Scarlett Johansson will star alongside him, no doubt playing one of the many women that succumb to his dastardly charms. Wow, a film where JSL gets to romp about shagging what will invariably be the most beautiful women in the world – look how that turned out for you, eh Joseph?

To be honest, if this was anyone else we’vd be pretty incredulous, but if there’s one lad we have faith in, it’s our ol’ pal Joe. He’s on a bit of a winning streak of late, having blown the critics away with his performance in 50/50 and there’s little doubt that he will be brilliant in Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises. He’s also no stranger to film-making, he’s been making shorts for years and years – and by the sounds of it has been reluctant to take up a full-length feature until now:

“This is the first time I finished a feature film I thought was good enough to make into a movie,” he said. “I’ve written others, including one mammothy huge sprawling thing that encompasses my entire point of view of everything since I was 20 years old. Those efforts are in a drawer somewhere.”

One day we’ll get tired of how relentlessly charming he is. One day.

Almost a year after one-time director Darren Aronofsky left the production, actually shooting the film is still a distant dream – star Hugh Jackman is currently rehearsing with Tom Cooper in preparation for beginning to film Les Misérables from next month. Still, The Wolverine’s planned release – on July 23rd 2013 – does at least suggest that the boys in the back room expect filming to happen at some time this year.

James Mangold (Walk the Line) is now in the hot seat for the X-Men Origins: Wolverine sequel, which will show Jackman’s Logan/Wolverine travelling to Japan to train with a Samurai master. Obviously.

Do you remember how old you were when this project was started? We don’t think we were born yet.

The main acting prizes went to Michael Fassbender for Shame and Jane Eyre and Olivia Colman for Tyrannosaur. Screenwriter Abi Morgan picked up Fassbender’s award for him (he was busy shagging, probably) and Olivia Colman had a little cry because she’s the loveliest person ever.

John Hurt received the Alexander Walker Special Award for his extraordinary contribution to cinema, Senna won Best Documentary and The Guard scooped the Peter Sellers Award for Best Comedy. In a speech read out by star Mark Strong, writer-director John Michael McDonagh said he was “sure it’d go to Tyrannosaur“. You silly, John, that isn’t a comedy!

Best Screenplay went to Andrew Haigh for Weekend, Black Pond directors Tom Kingsley and Will Sharpe won Best Newcomers and cinematographer Robbie Ryan won the London Film Museum Award for Technical Achievement for his work on Wuthering Heights.

Also, we had a marvellous natter with Tom Hiddleston – he pretended to be amused when we said “Hey Tom… we have an army“, which should qualify him for an acting prize all on its own. What a sweetie.

Do you think anyone was robbed last night? Let us know below!