Anne Hathaway can have The Princess Diaries; it was her first big hit and, let’s face it, nobody else would want the role anyway.

#9 – Alice In Wonderland
Because Tilda Swinton would have been the shiz!

Anne Hathaway was okay in Alice In Wonderland, wasn’t she? But that’s just it; she was only okay. Sure, it wasn’t glaringly horrible but, on the whole, all she did was make her eyes very wide and pose prettily against the moon every once in a while. On the other hand, wouldn’t Tilda Swinton have been bloody amazing? Regal, kindly, beautiful (in a glacial sort of way), she’d definitely have managed to convey that all-important hidden psychosis bubbling beneath the calm surface.

#8 – Bride Wars
Time to mix things up with Jennifer Hudson

Bride Wars was never going to be a brilliant film; two Bridezillas fighting over a wedding venue is old hat, thanks to all those reality TV shows on Living. Kate Hudson versus Anne Hathaway was sort of fine; Anne did the meek to bold thing adequately, but we can’t help but think how much better things would have been with Jennifer Hudson. We know she can do timid, we know she can do sassy and we know she’s ultra-charismatic. Pitching the Hudsons against each other would have been an INSPIRING idea!

#7 -Love And Other Drugs
Amanda Seyfried is the ultimate sexy-vulnerable chick

Anne Hathaway plays the romantic invalid in Love And Other Drugs, starring alongside the ultimate pin-up for girls and boys everywhere, Jake Gyllenhaal. We’d have preferred to see someone like Amanda Seyfried in this role; the blonde Mean Girls star has covered a lot of ground in her career so far, proving that she can do sexy-sexy AND vulnerable. Perfect for this prime Hathaway role.

#6 – Devil Wears Prada
Anna Kendrick deserves more than Twilight!

Has anybody else ever noticed that Hathaway seems to be the queen of the ugly-duckling-to-swan parts? Yeah, us too. Has anybody ever noticed that she achieves this solely by frizzing up her hair and wearing lots of layers? Yup, we’re obviously all on the same page with this one. So, rather than let Hathaway treat us to another carefully styled bad hair day, why not let Anna Kendricks take on the role of Andrea in Devil Wears Prada? She’s a stellar actress, naturally a little bit awkward and is no stranger to plain-girl roles either. Give Kendrick a chance!

#5 – Get Smart
The name is Jones. Felicity Jones…

This Steve Carell film was described as being “staggeringly unfunny” all the way through. Now we KNOW Steve is usually pretty witty and, sure, it’s probably down to the script, but we couldn’t help but wonder how things would have played out if Felicity Jones had stepped into the role of Agent 99. Less well-known than Hathaway, sure, but she’s just such a great dramatic actress; it would have been far more fun to see Miss Jones adopt the persona of the disdainful and adept spy, don’t you think?

#4 – Brokeback Mountain
Save the gritty drama for Amy Adams

The main issue I have (and the whole team at BFF have) with Anne Hathaway is that, no matter what role she takes on, she IS Anne Hathaway. |There’s just no getting away from it. Whilst some actresses slip seamlessly into roles and completely shed all of their past performances, Hathaway in Brokeback Mountain just led to a lot of confusion as we all wondered what the girl from The Princess Diaries was doing with her top off. Amy Adams, as proven in The Fighter, would have been the number one girl for this juicy role.

#3 – Les Misérables
How about someone who can actually sing?

We’ve touched briefly on this subject before; the casting at Les Mis has gotten wildly out of hand. Anne Hathaway’s singing performances, to date, comprise her little skit at the Oscars and not much else. Does that count? We don’t think it counts. Emmy Rossum, on the other hand, is a talented little whatsit and she’s disappeared from the radar since her Phantom Of The Opera days. Unless you watch Shameless, that is. Ditch Hathaway and give Rossum the break she’s been hoping for, please!

#2 – The Dark Knight Rises
If you can’t have Michelle Pfeiffer, go for Mila Kunis

Anne Hathaway is Catwoman. Did you know that Anne Hathaway was Catwoman? Don’t you think someone as smouldering as Mila Kunis should be the feline crusader instead? We know for a fact she’s a fab actress and extremely flexible, thanks to her stint in Black Swan, and there’s absolutely no doubt that she’d look damn fine in a leotard! Miaow Mila, goodbye Anne.

#1 – One Day
Hathaway ruined it; if only they’d cast Jessica Brown-Findlay instead…

What’s that? You’ve got a role in an English drama for someone who can do a good regional accent? Then why in the name of all that is holy did you hire an American actress to do the job?! Anne Hathaway’s terrible Yorkshire-meets-Brooklyn vocals ruined the highly-anticipated One Day for the majority of those who loved the book. If only they’d cast the amazingly adept Jessica Brown-Findlay, best known for her role as Lady Sybil in Downton Abbey. This little diamond in the rough is busy climbing the career ladder and recently impressed with her performance in feature film Albatross. She’s pretty, she’s charming, she’s vivacious and generally wonderful; in short, she would have acted the socks off Hathaway!

Who else deserves to take over Anne Hathaway’s career? Let us know below!

After fourth instalment Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides became the eighth film ever to rake in a box office gross in excess of $1 billion, further trips to the depths of Jerry Bruckheimer’s kohl-rimmed psyche were almost inevitable.

It’s hard to believe that Depp will turn down whatever stratospheric fee he’s being offered to appear as Captain Jack – he’s one of Disney’s prize assets, with the Pirates franchise as a whole grossing more than $3.7 billion and Alice in Wonderland alone topping the $1 billion mark last year. Still, maybe he’ll decide to do something worthwhile instead?

Nah, not likely.

Left to haphazardly speculate, we think that Stoker will reference a certain Mr Bram Stoker’s most famous creation (pssst that’s Dracula fang-bangers). But what really makes Stoker exciting is that it is to be directed by Park Chan-Wook (of amazing Korean goreathon The Vengeance Trilogy fame) as his first English language film, and Nicole Kidman and Colin Firth are also on board. Stoker starts filming later this year.

While the common populace has long been divided into two factions – those who love the Burton-burlesque and those who loathe, one objective certainty exists beyond all opinion: until Tim Burton, never before has gloom appeared so fantastically fantastical. From lovelorn, scissor-handed Frankensteins to rictus-grinned bone daddies who wish for Christmas, Burton has single-handedly unlocked the obscure world of romanticism and made it charmingly accessible. Tim Burton is far more than the incomprehensibly-coiffed director with a Johnny Depp fixation, he is the pinstriped paragon of weird wonderfulness and ‘Burton’ is no longer just a name, it’s a freakin’ genre. Anybody else patented their own genre? I think not. Beat THAT, Underwood.

John (mistrusts pale people with big eyes):

Look, nobody’s saying Tim Burton’s never done anything worthwhile – some of his early films are undeniable classics, and he does live in a mansion next door to his wife’s mansion, which is deeply boss. However, you can’t make a whole career out of casting the same two actors in the same context with the same soundtrack over and over and OVER AGAIN – I don’t care if they’re Victorian ne’er-do-wells, stop-motion lovers or the products of Lewis Carroll’s lust for the opium pipe, I don’t want to see Johnny Depp in a scene with Helena Bonham Carter ever again. GET SOME NEW FRIENDS, BURTON!

Cherise:

Firstly, I’m not quite sure that having Depp star in but 7 of Burton’s 26 films and Bonham Carter in but 5 counts as an entire career constructed around the same two actors. Secondly, do Mars Attacks! and Planet of the Apes ring a tiny bell in that numerically-challenged head? As far as my numerically-sound memory serves me, I counted NOT ONE Victorian, stop-motion or dope-smoking character. Burton’s empire has not been built upon recycled plots, but a pervading style, and if we’re going to hop on that wagon, we may as well bring every idiosyncratic director along for the ride – Tarantino, Coppola, Scorsese, Jonze, Snyder, ad infinitum.

[Sidenote: Lewis Carroll was also a mathematician and logician; there may just be a cryptic message somewhere there for you.]

John:

Ra ra ra, I’m Cherise and I love facts and eyeshadow and probably Josef Fritzl. Cool it, Daddy-O – your precious messy-haired cliché of a director would be swooning against the (tall, dark, gothic) door of his (tall, dark, gothic) castle if he was exposed to that much unwhimsical prose! Burton’s whole career has been built on the hideously boring and depressingly accurate premise that there will always be a market for films which self-identify as being ‘dark’ and, Christ preserve us, ‘edgy’ – he’s the Hot Topic of Hollywood, and the sooner the fourteen year old girls of the world find something else to fetishise, the better.

[Sidenote: Nobody talks about Planet of the Apes.]

Cherise:

Pish-posh, tish-tosh, I’m John and I love suspenders, syntactical fascism and projecting my repressed desire to leave my hair uncombed (gasp!) and self-identify as being as ‘dark’ ‘n ‘edgy’-cool as that which I claim to abhorr. Dearest Johnny-boy, please don’t make Burton pay for fourteen year-old girls’ (or your) developmental inadequacies.

John:

Oi, don’t you dare work my name into one of your fucking hyphenated hipster aphorisms! Returning to the question in hand (someone had better be the bigger person), I’m not blaming Burton – if legions of unimaginative teenagers wanted to take time out from listening to HIM just to pay me to regurgitate my work from the 80s time and time again, I’d definitely jump at the chance (mind you, I was only born four months before the 80s ended so my oeuvre from that period mostly consisted of tears and poo). He’s done very well for himself, and a lot of his films are reasonably watchable; I just don’t think you can be as glaringly typecast and self-referential as Tim Burton consistently is and expect to come out the other side with your integrity intact. That’s all.

This video encapsulates my opinions on the subject better than I ever could. Goodnight, Hallowe’en Town.

By Cherise Huntingford and John Underwood

That’s right – the first major 3D feature film to hit society was way back in the 50s. Scared of that tiny box in the corner of the living room keeping us all from the cinema seats, the American movie industry tried to entice people in with this horror number. The story of a disfigured serial killer with a dodgy wax museum directed by a bloke with one eye (he couldn’t even see in 3D), it was a critical and financial success. Even if it did give everyone motion sickness.

Jaws 3-D (1983)
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Simon MacCorkindale
Directed by: Joe Alves

Apart from someone with the stunningly awesome surname MacCorkindale being used in this movie, this second follow-up to Spielberg’s 1975 thriller Jaws used 3D to combat the new threat of the VHS. It’s just as well, I mean those VHSs almost got out of control. Although one of the highest grossing movies in its year of release, Jaws 3-D was suitably rubbish. Criticised for just about everything from the plot to the acting, the 3D element was also slated for its gimmicky feel. Well, with a name like Jaws 3-D, I don’t think they intended to probe the intellect of the average audience – the 3D bandwagon is just fine for making mega bucks. But it showed that people wanted more from the invention than a massive mouth popping out of the screen – ask and you shall receive.

Up (2009)
Starring: Edward Asner, Jordan Nagai
Directed by: Pete Docter and Bob Peterson

It might have taken another quarter of a century but we can always rely on our loveable, snuggable Dis-Pix studios. They never fail to provide us with a heartfelt movie about the little bit weird and Up was no exception. This is the story of a 78-year-old man who ties hundreds of helium balloons to his house and floats across the world to realise his dreams at Paradise Falls. Stuck with an annoying, rotund boy scout, a giant bird and a talking dog the adventure is more than he bargains for – and it’s in 3D! It was the first animated and 3D film to open the Cannes Film Festival in 2009 and the first of Pixar’s films to be released in Disney Digital 3D. A far cry from the gimmicks, this was a more subtle use of the extra dimension that didn’t distract from the story – thank you Pixar!

Avatar (2009)
Starring: Sam Worthington, Sigourney Weaver, Zoe Saldana
Directed by: James Cameron

Eating our cash quicker than a plague of those pub quiz machines (just another 50p…), James Cameron’s 3D epic Avatar<> needs no real introduction. Breaking all kinds of records to achieve its place at the top spot of highest grossing film of all time – beating Cameron’s previous teeny weeny success, Titanic – this film was a breakthrough for 3D cinema. Cameron waited some ten years for the technology he needed to make this, but hey if you’re making $2 billion every decade or so then what’s the point in doing the job regularly? It might just have been the story of Pocahontas with blue people, but with 3D it became a truly immersive and eye-popping experience.

Piranha 3D (2010)
Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O’Connell, Richard Dreyfuss
Directed by: Alexandre Aja

Like boobs and gore? Who doesn’t? Female assets are used to their full potential, there’s underwater lesbian action and a mental amount of fish eating every inch of flesh in sight. Ridiculous remake of the 1970s spoof of the aforementioned Jaws, boobs, butts and vomit jump out of the screen in a nostalgic use of the gimmicky origins of 3D. No brains needed for this one, just be content with the chaos as it plays out onscreen in more dimensions than is perhaps necessary. It was never going to be an Oscar winner, but it reminds us that 3D can still be quite fun and silly.

Alice in Wonderland (2010)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Mia Wasikowska
Directed by: Tim Burton

Weird, warped and wonderful, Tim Burton’s brain explodes on screen once again in the usual array of colours – but this time with an added dimention From Helena Bonham-Carter’s massive head to Anne Hathaway’s floatiness, Alice in Wonderland gave Burton fans a more highly defined view of his wacky imagination. Worth it just to dive into the three dimensional depths of Johnny Depp’s crazed green eyes, this movie was another win for 3D. Grossing over $1 billion worldwide, whatever the film may lack in plot is certainly made up for in spectacle thanks to the new and improved cinematic technology.

The age of 3D is upon us. Whatever gags and spoofs have gone before, it is starting to emerge as a more serious art of cinema (piranhas aside). Werner Herzog has been converted to it for his latest film Cave of Forgotten Dreams, and with the likes of Spielberg’s Tintin, and the final chapter of The Pirates of the Caribbean due to hit our screens in 3D this year, there’s no escaping the onslaught of the extra dimension. So kiss goodbye to the brain-hurty, nauseating experiences of old and get out your cheap Ray-Ban-inspired specs out for some 3D viewing.

So the question is, where do you stand on 3D? Talk to us…

David Seidler won Best Original Screenplay for the period drama, whilst its biggest competitor The Social Network had to be content with Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Editing and Best Original Score.

Rounding off the major awards, Natalie Portman took the Best Actress prize for Black Swan and Christian Bale and Melissa Leo left with a matched pair of Best Supporting gongs for The Fighter.

Toy Story 3 was named Best Animated Feature and also won Best Original Song for ‘We Belong Together’, whilst sci-fi thriller Inception landed four technical prizes including Best Cinematography, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing and Visual Effects. Alice in Wonderland won Best Art Direction and Costume Design, with Best Makeup going to The Wolfman.

Danish film Civilisation won Best Foreign Language Film, and Inside Job and Strangers No More were honoured in the Best Documentary categories (Feature and Short respectively). God of Love and The Lost Thing rounded off the winners with the Best Live Action Short and Best Animated Short prizes.

The full nominations are here, in case you’re a bit of a thicky. Hurrah!

We’ve kept our opinions in check – what are yours? Let us know below! Or you could simply mourn How To Train Your Dragon like all right-minded people…

But hold those horses! Before we get too caught up in the idea of an aloof Stone being pursued by another well-to-do geeky type, another factor needs to be considered – namely that Mary Jane may not actually be this film’s main love interest. Gwen Stacy, played in Spider-Man 3 by Bryce Dallas Howard (just one of that film’s many nonsensical plot additions) was Peter Parker’s first love in the comics, with Mary Jane becoming more pivotal in later storylines. Rumour has it, the new saga may follow this original arc.

So, athough Stone may have beaten competition for a role that will prove big in Spidey’s future, the position of Gwen remains an ongoing battle. Current suggestions name the leading contenders as Glee’s Dianna Agron, Mia Wasikowska (Alice in Wonderland), Georgina Haig (TV’s Underbelly) and Dominique McElligott (Sam Rockwell’s wife in Moon). With at least four names still in the hat, and with Gwen’s most iconic scene already re-written for the climax of Sam Raimi’s first Spider-Man flick, much mystery still remains about how this film’s love affairs will play out. Oh, what a tangled web we weave!

UPDATE: ‘Natural blonde’ Emma Stone will in fact play Gwen Stacy!

So sure, films starring Amanda Bynes are fine. Really. The problem comes when films stop playing by the rules – when truly awful films are dressed up as fantastic ones; tricking us into blissful, laughable anticipation. When we’re truly shocked, appalled and devastated by a dreadful film, a cardinal sin has taken place. After all, when going in for a lovely hug with your mum, you wouldn’t expect her to start hitting you with a spade, screaming “I SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE STOMACH WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE”, would you? Not unless she’s been drinking again. Similarly, the following ten films should not have been the atrocities they were. And frankly, we still feel betrayed.

10. Shrek 3

Having jumped the tricksy sequel hedge magnificently, there was no reason why Shrek 3 couldn’t have galloped happily to swishy rosetted victory. Eric Idle was on board, for Christ’s sake. But sadly, Dreamworks served up a bland, forgettable tale that was deemed all the more disappointing for its predecessors’ success. A bizarre plot involving Shrek and Donkey on a mission to make a moody teenager King of Far Far away, even the blinding combined star-power wasn’t enough to block out the constant comedy misfires. To be fair to the creators, you sometimes have to take a risk. And deciding to exchange ‘any jokes’ for ‘Justin Timberlake’ was, admittedly, a brave one.

9. King Kong

Considering he’s a monster that threw New York city into a frenzy, Peter Jackson’s King Kong hardly had any effect on us whatsoever. With a budget that would make Ashley Cole’s “private fun” accountant blush, King Kong was touted as The Lord Of The Rings Man’s next Big Project. And, well, no-one could really see why he’d bothered. Unless his mission statement was “make it pretty much exactly the same as earlier attempts, but longer. And give Jack Black another try, bless him.” Still, at least then he followed it up with action-fest The Lovely Bones. And still, at least he’s making The Hobbit. And still, at least he is definitely making The Hobbit, promise promise no-takey backsies (probably sort of). And still.

8.Men In Black 2

“Hey Barry, you know what everyone went freakin crazy for? That whole Men In Black thing you did. You should totally cash in on that thing again.”
“Yeah, I guess. But I’m not sure I can be bothered to think of an actual plot, interesting new characters or any new jokes whatsoever.”
“Psht, new characters? A different plot? New jokes?! What are you talking about! If anything, there were TOO MANY jokes in MiB. They were all wrinkled and squashed together. What you need to do is stretch them the shit out on a glorious ironing board of a sequel. Those aliens that were smoking in that one scene? Give them like 20 minutes of screen time. The dog with the one-liner? Give him some cheeky three hundred and sixty-liners. Stick them in the trailer with some shots of Will Smith with that HILARIOUS tiny gun and people will literally eat their own children to see it.”
“But… surely none of the original cast will sign on for this? Surely they have artistic intergrity, self-worth, creative merit?”
“You write blank cheques, right?”

7. Alice In Wonderland

Ah, Alice in Wonderland. Scientists have proven that the rage generated by every audience leaving the cinema post Alice In Wonderland is collectively strong enough to power Melbourne for three and a half weeks. With a cast that included Johnny Depp, Mrs Director, Stephen Fry, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall, Elvis, Jesus, the meaning of life and immortality, there was absolutely no way – NO WAY – that this Tim Burton dream-splatter was going to be anything except tongue-floppingly orgasmic. Except it wasn't. It was dreadful. Long, boring, obvious and deeply uninspiring, the best you could hope for was that the screen would catch alight and you'd at least get to watch all the characters plunge into a fiery pit before you were engulfed in the flames.

6.Grease 2

So supremely awful that its become more a ghost of a film that once existed than a film itself, its difficult to believe that Grease 2 was the film that gave Michelle Pfeiffer her big break. Starring as New-Sandy Stephanie, she has high school love trysts with Terrible-New-Danny Michael as they fight to stay cool whilst singing some of the most dreadful songs ever written. Still, its not all bad. Take a look at the fantastic track “Reproduction”, featuring the immortal line “make my stamen go berserk.”

5. Sex And The City 2

Sex And The City 2 managed the incredible feat of taking fairly low-expectation fluffy fun and pummelling it mercilessly over and over again, until what was once a pretty dull but inoffensive franchise was left a pulpy, bloodied mess. It was like watching Ed Norton go Fight-Club-Crazy on Jared Leto all over again, except the results were a lot more disgusting. Managing to be massively racist and sexist as well as mind-collapsingly dull, watching Sex And The City 2 was essentially like reading an issue of Vogue on a seven hour bus ride, whilst a dribbling tramp next to you yells “Get them foreigners out!” into your ear.

4. Indianna Jones and The Crystal Skull

It’s difficult to describe the international anger that this horrifying mockery of a once great franchise caused. In fact, I think I’ll leave it to the South Park boys. Click here for every living human’s opinion on the matter. Now let us never speak of it again.

3.The Matrix Reloaded

In this list because of what came before as well as after it,The Matrix Reloaded does not sit in a comfortable place in any decent person’s memory. Though not nearly as dreadful as everyone made out, there’s no denying that its place in history is as the first stain on the purity that was The Matrix. The mad babbling that engulfed the third film begins to creep in here, and though there were some fairly awesome chase sequences, you couldn’t help but get a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. Like watching your nan answer the toaster, it was the beginning of the end. And no-one likes to look back on that. With that in mind. Lets quickly brush over the next film-

2. The Matrix Revolutions

“Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as-” JUST LET IT STOP, PLEASE GOD LET IT STOP

and finally, in the number one spot…

1. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Otherwise known as The Beginning Of George Lucas’ Slaughter Of All That Is Good (title tbc), generations that had fallen in love with the Star Wars trilogy flocked in absolute joy to see the continuation (in a prequel sort of way) of cinematic gold. What they actually got was 2 hours of Natalie Portman looking miserable and the ungodly CG-eyesore that was Jar Jar Binks. Little did we know, upon exiting the cinema confused and disappointed, what years of hell were in store. What’s that George? A 3D re-release featuring Justin Bieber as the new Darth Vader, awesome. Oh Han. Oh Leia. We’re sorry, we’re so very, very sorry.

It’s Horse’s (Patar) birthday. And slightly dim twosome Cowboy (Aubier) and Indian (Ellison) have forgotten. After a short stress, during which a hawaiian-shirt clad Cowboy attempts to run away to Miami, they decide to build him a birthday brick barbeque. However, in this act of kindness, they end up ruining Horse’s car and destroying his house. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! So after a raucous party which results in a bit of drama (standard – there’s always one who can’t handle their drink.), the three comrades must rebuild their house. Incidentally, the barbeque survives.

All day they build; smoothing and scraping. Hard work for two men and a horse. But what is this? Where is the evidence that they didn’t spend the whole day lying in a pile of bricks, eating hula hoops? Mais non, scare bleu, someone has stolen the house!

And if you are sitting comfortably, then this is where the mysterious, Alice in Wonderland meets Monty Python adventure begins.

“I’m a bit scared, Horse.” “Don’t worry, Indian.”

A party for the eyes, A Town Called Panic not only keeps you excited but you are always visually stimulated. The jerky, stop-motion animation that makes Tim Burton‘s slick work seem souless, the colours, and the way in which it’s exactly how you imagined your plastic toys interacting when you were asleep, makes it a real treat for kids and grown ups. Imagine Haribo, but without the threat of tooth decay.

Visual thrills aside, the rest of the film is brilliantly put together. The characters and their relationships are better presented than in Skins and more believable too. What with the angry and hyperactive farmer, Steven, who seems to be suffering from small man syndrome and a coke habit, and the strangely homo-erotic relationship between Cowboy and Indian; a bit like Ant and Dec.

“Aren’t you going to pick up your waffle?

Whilst you’re never sure what’s coming around the cloth corner, the story line manages to still make sense. Rather than your standard Disney film where you pretty much know the drill, A Town Called Panic juxtaposes the absurd which, whilst making you question “what in tarnation?”, never leaves you confused. You just roll with it.

But suspending your disbelief isn’t a problem due to the film’s self awareness. In contrast to Harry Potter where you have to believe (for the duration of the film) that all that wizardy stuff is real, A Town Called Panic knows what it is. There are clever little references, like when Horse pumps up the flattened, plastic furniture that reassure the audience that we are not being fooled.

Brilliantly made, clever and comic, A Town Called Panic is a imaginative adventure that is really something – it even manages to squeeze in a bit of romance. There is constant joy to be had, so keep your blinking quick and infrequent when watching.

Quotes

“You must go to prison for stealing their wall.”
“I found the broom, let’s tidy this all up.”

Welcome To Underland

It’s thirteen years since Alice first followed the time-keeping rabbit, and now, as a nineteen year old girl expected to be soon married, she regards Wonderland as little more than a strange dream she once had. However, after being proposed to by the wettest man in the world, she suddenly spies the infamous rabbit once again, and follows him into a world she’d forgotten existed. But Underland (she got it wrong the first time) is not the world it once was, as the tyrannical Red Queen has taken control. It’s up to Alice – along with The Mad Hatter, The Dormouse, The March Hare and the twins TweedleDum and Tweedledee – to overthrow the Red Queen, and place her sister The White Queen back into power. But the problem is, the Queen has the Jabberwocky onside, and only a savior can slay him.

Less Than Curiouser

The wonderful, maddening thing about Lewis Carroll’s novels is that he presents situations that make no sense, proposes questions with no answers, riddles that cannot be resolved. He opens up the idea of logic, sense and story with his wonderful paradoxes, confusing poor Alice almost to madness. Instead of using this basis of Wonderland, Burton – or perhaps more specifically writer Linda Woolverton – decides to do the exact opposite. This is a Wonderland of answers. At the very beginning of her adventure, Alice is presented with a scroll that prophesizes her return, stating that she will slay the jabberwocky. So there you go, Burton seems to say, job done. The riddles have been taken out, the confusion is gone and all that is left is a flat, dull quest with an inevitable conclusion. And Johnny Depp wears contact lenses. So, you know, that’s good.

Alice-by-numbers

The characters are predictable and fairly joyless – with the exception of the Cheshire Cat, where kudos has to got to the design team for truly amazing CGI. Helena BC is good, but not as good as you think she’s going to be, and Alice herself has the personality of a playing card. And not one of the ones attacking. Her constant monotone rabbiting of “but this is all a dream” only serves to make you want to bash her in the face for her stupidity, and it’s only through a lot of very convenient plot holes (“do you happen to have…” “Yes I do!”) that her story gets pushed to its supremely obvious conclusion.

Riddle Me This

Throughout the film, Depp keeps asking one of the hatter’s most famous riddles, “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” In the novels, of course poor Alice is never given an answer. In this film however, Alice dully asks him outright, “Hatter, why is a raven like a writing desk?” He grins meekly, and states “I have no idea”. Carroll knew that the power of Wonderland lay in its maddening mysteries, not in underwhelming answers. Our message to the Alice team would be this; leave Carroll’s questions hanging. They looked better where they were.

Special Features

“Finding Alice” Featurette
“The Mad Hatter” Featurette
“Effecting Wonderland” Featurette
Dylan & Cole Sprouce: Blu-ray Is Suite!
Previews

Were you underwhelmed by Underland or was your journey down the rabbit hole a magical one? Let us know below