Drive, Zac Efron. Drive away and never come back

There’s going to be a Fifty Shades Of Grey film. We all KNOW this. We can’t, despite everything we’ve tried, stop it from happening. So, if it must happen, let’s talk casting – anyone else fancy Charlie Sheen for the role of Christian Grey? Here are our top 10 casting choices for the BDSM bonkbuster…

Two American girls become separated on a biking trip through the remote backroads of rural Argentina. Cue cautionary tale slathered with a healthy ol’ dose of girl-on-girl gore? Not quite. Beyond an opening scene vaguely suggestive of electrocution, and a (more tortuous) rendition of the Divinyls’ ‘I Touch Myself’ this is, by no means, the material from which to get one’s bloodlusty jollies.

Finally, the perfect excuse to ogle Johnny Depp again!

Nothing groundbreaking or awe-inspiring to be seen here, but John Carpenter being just okay is still better than no John Carpenter at all. Flimsy plot and performances, but what you’re forking over for is the shocks, and he still delivers better than most. Will leave you thinking, “Come on, John… let’s next time get our hands REALLY dirty.”

You know what you’re in for when you pick up Pineapple Express at the DVD store. It’s a typically zany outing featuring Seth Rogen in his usual sarcastic misfit role, but the boy does it well – this time he’s on the run with his pot dealer after the two accidentally witness a drug ring murder. Sounds serious, but don’t worry, it’s actually far from it – Rogen pushes the boundaries of the ridiculous to extreme degrees in his chuckleworthy screenplay.