Because there’s nothing less attractive to a wet-lipped young maiden than a tattooed, pierced, bad-ass motorcycle demon with a past so tortured he like, can’t even talk about it (until he does). I always wondered what Beauty and the Beast would be like if, instead of good, it was like, really, really awful. Now I know.

Oh my shit, it’s April! And it’s brought along not only Fools’ Days, sweet spring showers and the prospect of some chinless wonder marrying a Sloane, but also a batch of fresh and steaming new films – some promising, others less so. Stick around as we sift through this month’s cinematic offerings week by week and separate the fresh fish (FRESH FISH, Glen Coco!) from the distinctly murky tuna salad…

Beloved and timeless children’s classics, or horrific tales of murder and bloodlust not to be read to the nippers at bedtime? The Brothers Grimm fairy tales have often inspired film adaptations, but here are a few which have not yet had the cinematic spotlight trained on them – perhaps for good reason….

Every so often Hollywood runs out of actors and must pass the buck to a slightly less animate object. We celebrate such occasions with a collection of the greatest instances of anthropomorphism in cinema. Categorised into Puppets, Objects, Robots, Concepts and Miscellaneous, this list aims to question the importance of opposable thumbs and evolution in the production of unforgettable characters. Crack out Chip and Mrs. Potts, fill your nearest Brave Little Toaster and set Etch to entertain.

Neatly bridging the gap between this year’s glut of sci-fi films and the ongoing demand for unusual teenagers who, like, can’t fit in because they’re vampires (or werewolves or gay or whatever else), I Am Number Four will certainly be popular. Michael Bay should be crucified for ruining yet another film with his stupid flashing lights, but who cares when there’s a hunky alien loose?

Tangled will be Disney’s 50th feature animation and to celebrate the milestone there’s a brand new trailer!

Pixar’s relationship with women has always had a slight question-mark over it- after all, its undeniable that they’ve yet to include a single lead female character in their impressive repertoire. Their next film, Brave would have been the first to have a female director. Power to the girls, and all that. However, rumour now has it that Chapman has left the studio, leaving the director’s chair empty. Is it simply a case of creative differences, or is there something more sinister at play?

As much as we love to moan about the ‘too good to be true’ on-screen relationship, there exists something far worse; the utterly baffling on-screen relationship. From girls having sex with Death in Meet Joe Black to questionable sexual age politics in Big, we feel it’s time for these dodgy love affairs to be exposed for what they are; bloody weird.