You’re probably already aware that Aussie director and all round good bloke Baz Luhrmann is currently filming a new version of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s famous novel. The film stars Leonardo DiCaprio as Gatsby, Carey Mulligan as love interest Daisy Buchanan and Tobey Maguire as the novel’s narrator, Nick Carraway.

You’re probably also aware of the seventies film with Robert Redford back before he looked liked Anne Robinson. But what about the 1926 silent version? The 1949 Elliot Nugent film with Alan Ladd? The 2007 Korean adaptation? Or the modernised version G, in which Gatbsy is a hip-hop mogul seeking to win back his lady love, Sky? Bet you didn’t know about all those, DID YOU? (If you did, we’re very sorry for shouting).

#9 Pride and Prejudice

Apparently in 2009, Elton John’s Rocket Productions announced that they were planning an adaptation of Jane Austen’s most famous novel, entitled Pride and Predator. Sadly, that film has disappeared off the radar. But luckily for you, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is still set for 2013 (despite the IMDB board for this project featuring such topics as “NO NO NO. GARBAGE” and the slightly more subtle “Please do not make this! Th death of film is nigh![sic]“).

The book has been filmed most famously on two occasions: once in 1940, starring Greer Garson and once in 2005 starring Keira Knightley (sadly we can’t mention the Colin Firth version, because that was on the TV – what are we, Best For TV?). The novel also famously inspired the Bridget Jones series, Bollywood rendering Bride and Prejudice and some film from 2003 set in Utah in which Will Darcy is a “haughty businessman”. Ha ha that sounds mad.

#8 Wuthering Heights

So the new film is out on Friday and we here at Best For TV are very excited. Director Andrea Arnold has showcased her talent in Fish Tank and, from the trailer, this new adaptation of the novel looks to be pretty exciting and all modern and cool and stuff. In all seriousness, there is a valid argument to be made for remakes of classic works that tap into the spirit of their time. So a 2011 version should accordingly feature plenty of sexting and Heathcliff planking constantly.

In the past, Wuthering Heights has made it onto the big screen a total of seven times, including one from 1920 (described bizarrely as “Emily Brontë’s tremendous story of hate” – think you’re missing the point there, guys) and the famous Laurence Olivier film from 1939.

Look out for BFF’s upcoming film project, Wuthering Heights High, where young rebel Heath Cliff joins a new school and finds himself an outcast. Only the vivacious head cheerleader Kat will give him the time of day. And soon their friendship turns into a tremendous story of hate.

#7 Great Expectations

We reported recently about some new photos of Helena Bonham Carter as Miss Havisham in Mike Newell’s upcoming film. We also reported that a TV version with Gillian Anderson is also coming out in 2012. SO WHAT’S THAT ABOUT?

All in all there have been eight film adaptations of Charles Dickens’ novel, including the 1946 David Lean version and the 1998 modern-day take on the novel starring Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth Paltrow. There was also a film of the same name made in 2008, but that’s a very loose adaptation of the novel which is mostly about a handkerchief.

#6 Crime and Punishment

Crime and Punishment is about a man who commits a crime and is subsequently punished for it. NICE AND SIMPLE. But according to Wikipedia, there have been over 25 film adaptations of the novel over the years. Twenty five! And then more as well! That’s so many! Obvs, we would love to take you through each individual film in detail but what are we, Best For Crime and Punishment Film Adaptations? No. So we’ve selected one that we thought was extra special and deserving of your time: Crime and Punishment in Suburbia, which starred Mad Men‘s Vincent Kartheiser. You can look it up yourself.

#5 A Christmas Carol

There have been about twenty film adaptations of this Christmassy classic over the years. The novel tells the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, who’s always hatin’ on everything. Then he’s visited by three ghosts who – oh come people, you know the story. WE KNOW YOU KNOW THE STORY.

There have been loads of great film adaptations of this including the 1951 film with Alistair Sim in the lead role; the modernised Scrooged where Bill Murray is a soulless TV executive; and – of course – The Muppets Christmas Carol, largely considered to be one of the best films of all time involving the acting of a green sock.

#4 Romeo and Juliet

No it’s not a novel. SO SUE US. There’s literally nothing you can do about Romeo and Juliet being on this list. There are about seven thousand film versions of this play, perhaps most famously Baz Luhrmann’s 1996 adaptation starring Leo and Claire.

Carlo Carlei’s new film of this classic novel will be out next year, starring Hailee “I was in True Grit when I was but a wee bairn” Steinfeld and Douglas Booth, who is playing Pip in the TV version of Great Expectations. He’s at it all over the place isn’t he?! Someone stop him before this all gets out of hand!!

#3 Anna Karenina

Here’s another novel that Keira Knightley’s getting her paws all over. Joe Wright – who has already worked with Knightley on Pride and Prejudice and Atonement and omg why don’t you two just get married already – is directing a new version of the classic Russian novel which will star Knightley as the title character, and Matthew Macfadyen and Jude Law as other people. But someone should really tell Joe that this film has already been filmed for the cinema ten times – including one Egyptian version retitled The River of Love.

#2 Oliver Twist

Charles Dickens get off this list you saucy devil! We’re only kidding – you can stay. You’ve earned it! Oliver Twist has been filmed about sixteen times for the big screen and that doesn’t even include the musical Oliver! which is full of songs and joy. Although, the boy who played Oliver in that is maybe the father of Michael Jackson’s children. Now try watching that film again with the same wide-eyed innocence. We dares you!

#1 Jane Eyre

And so we come to the end of this list. It’s the end of the road, kids. And taking the top spot is Jane Eyre. Bleurghhhhh. Booorrrriinnngggg. Not really. But this book is a little bit of a snoozefest, especially compared to Wuthering Heights which is all sexy and exciting. We probably don’t need to remind you but this film has been made about 12 times for the cinema, including the 2011 film starring Michael Fassbender and Mia Wasikowska.

“I’m getting anxious! There’s been too much time since the last Jane Eyre adaptation! I think I’m having heart palpitations!” – everybody, all the time

Are there any classic novels that have been repeatedly molested by Hollywood that we’ve missed? Let us know! Down below!

And now we can add RZA to to the mix. The Wu-Tang Clan member has been very successful in moving from music to movies over the last few years, largely due to the fact that he can actually act and (unlike most aspiring movie-star rap prima donnas) he’s happy to work his way up through bit parts and character roles.

We’re actually fans of his, largely because of that lovely scene in Coffee and Cigarettes where he talks herbal medicine with Bill Murray for ten minutes. Also he was pretty damn good in Funny People and you can’t look us in the eyes and tell us you’re not looking forward to his directorial debut The Man with the Iron Fists.

RZA worked with Tarantino previously on the soundtrack to Kill Bill, but this will be his first time acting under him, playing Thaddeus, a violent slave working on a plantation in Mississippi. We’re looking forward to it, and so should you.

In this case it’s A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, directed by Roman Coppola and starring Charlie Sheen. Sheen plays Swan, a graphic designer who starts to lose it when his girlfriend (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) breaks up with him. You may remember Winstead from Scott Pilgrim, where she played Ramona Flowers, or from us being a little bit in love with her.

Bill Murray will be playing the character Saul, a man who… is played by Bill Murray? There’s little information about the role thus far, but we’re willing to make an educated guess it doesn’t involve busting ghosts (and busting makes me feel good).

To be fair, Roman Coppola’s sister Sofia directed Murray to Oscar glory in Lost in Translation, so maybe it’ll be quite good. To be fairer, Bill should have won it 19 years earlier.

Why can’t they all just be friends? The last film, Underworld Evolution, left our feisty vampire warrior with the new ability to walk in the sun. Yet it seems she didn’t get much chance to use it, as the new film begins with Selene (Kate Beckinsale) breaking out of a prison she’s been confined to for 12 years. During those misspent years, it appears that the pesky humans have realised the existence of both Vampires and Lycans, choosing to wage an outright war with both species. Not very PC if you ask me.

19. 21 Jump Street

A remake of the TV series that helped Johnny Depp climb that ladder to stardom. Jonah Hill has co-written (and stars) in the film that follows a presumably youthful police unit in their undercover attempts to infiltrate a high school, in order to control the surge of youth crime. Although Depp has admitted to disliking his role in the show at the time, it seems the pain has faded, as he’s committed to a cameo appearance.

18. Wrath of the Titans

You can never have enough mythological drama in your life. Clash of the Titans concluded with the epic defeat of the monstrous Kraken, slayed heroically by demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington). The sequel picks up a decade on, where we find our hero has chosen the quiet fisherman career option, whilst he raises his son, Helius. Meanwhile, due to Earth’s diminishing faith in the Heavens, the Gods are losing the power to control the imprisoned Titans (who are running out of board games to play). When Zeus’ son and the leader of the Titans, Kronos, strike a deal to capture Zeus (Liam Neeson), the mighty god’s powers are siphoned off into the Titans; unleashing hell on Earth. Perseus must throw down his fishing line, gather up some fellow warriors and embark on a quest to the underworld to save his father Zeus, as well as all mankind.

17. Ghostbusters 3

Bill Murray and the gang will be passing the ray-guns on to a younger ghost-busting team, who will continue to perform their good work. Obviously, technological advances over the last 25 years, since Ghostbusters 2 was released, will undoubtedly mean some amazing special effects are in store. But will the magic remain without the infamous ghost zappings, gigantic marshmallow men and fiery fridges? We’re not completely sold on this one, but we reckon it’ll still be worth a watch. If only to watch the iconic theme tune on the big screen once again.

16. Men in Black III

Can you believe it’s been ten years since you watched the coolest ever secret agent duo save the world from aliens and erase your memory? Ok so maybe you don’t remember, but this little ditty will certainly jog the memory…”Here come the men in black…The galaxy defenders…Uh. Yeah” Sing it loud and proud my fellow earthlings! The sequel has suffered a lot of criticism in the last year, as the team decided to begin filming with only one act of screenplay fully completed. Apparently the script had major plot issues involving the complexities of time travel, so writer David Koepp was brought on board to work out the kinks. All is now on schedule, with Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones bursting through the fabric of time and onto the big screen in May.

15. Die Hard 5

These action veterans will never retire. Even when they’re going bald, or adopting a grumpy demeanour, they just keep on hobbling away from those impending explosions. So it’s no surprise to hear that John McClane (Bruce Willis) is back for another epic instalment in the Die Hard chronicles. Following the pattern of the series so far, the action will take place on a grander scale in Russia, but how they’ll top a police car flying into a helicopter is beyond us.

14. The Hunger Games

Hailed as the new Twilight by a (hopefully neurotic) few, The Hunger Games is based on the trio of ‘young-adult’ novels by Suzanne Collins. Thankfully, the film seems to include more blood-thirsty teeny-boppers, less brooding stares and lust-bitten lips. The story is set in a future society, where townships live within a culture of fear. Each year, as part of a twisted reality TV show, children are plucked from their homes and sent to a remote location where they must battle to the death. If you were a fan of Battle Royale, you’ll love this.

13. Jack the Giant Killer

If you fell in love with the classic ‘damsel in distress’ fairy tale after watching the 1962 version, you wouldn’t be alone. My young eyes were awed by the amazing special effects of the clay-animated giant, as well as the glowing leprechauns, sword-fighting skeletons and transparent witches. Just don’t bother watching it as an adult – the magic sadly doesn’t compare to the modern CGI techniques. But maybe the new version can recapture that old school enchantment. A loved-up farmer (Nicholas Hoult) leads an expedition into the dreaded giants’ kingdom in hopes of rescuing a kidnapped princess.

12. The Bourne Legacy

After being lied to, chased, shot and sexed-up through a trilogy of tense thrillers, we didn’t think Matt Damon could take any more. Turns out he couldn’t. The new movie isn’t set after the third movie, but rather running parallel with it. Therefore expect to see the familiar faces of Rachel Weisz, Scott Penn, Joan Allen and Albert Finney pop up. A new lead role has been cast – Jeremy Renner will play a highly trained covert agent, with Edward Norton taking on the part of the villain.

11. Hansel and Gretle: Witch Hunters

I can understand the frustration of these siblings. To follow an enticing trail of gingerbread crumbs, only to be awarded with a space on the cosy oven shelf of a child-eating witch, would be darn annoying. Having escaped, you would’ve thought that the pair grow up with a few…issues. Perhaps some trust issues, a fear of small spaces, a moral lesson concerning abandoned food? Or perhaps a burning hatred of witches that leads you into a life of hunting them down?

10. World War Z

The film is an adaptation of Max Brooks’ post-apocalyptic novel, which doesn’t follow a normal narrative, but rather provides individual accounts of life after a zombie war. Director Marc Forster has announced that the plot will include some significant changes from the book, choosing to focus on a UN representative (Brad Pitt) who is trying to prevent a zombie outbreak, rather than focusing on the aftermath. So basically, the film will probably feature a completely different storyline.

9. Snow White and the Huntsman

Ah Snow White. The name conjures sweet melodies and images of her lovely shiny…sword? That’s right: the time of distressed damsels is no more. The evil queen (Charlize Theron) sends huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) to kill poor Ms White (Kristen Stewart) but instead he decides to mentor her in the ways of battle, so that she may face her opponent alone. Here’s hoping Stewart can channel all that Twilight-angst into a believably bad ass action heroine.

8. Star Trek 2

Director J.J. Abrams has declared that the sequel will stand alone – aka fans and newbies alike will enjoy the next instalment of spaceship madness. Newly promoted Captain Kirk (Chris Pine), will be leading the uniformed gang into all sorts of drama amidst the solar system, with a couple of point-eared romances thrown in for good measure.

7. Dredd

Based on the comic book 2000AD, the film will focus on the main character, Judge Dredd, in this live-action adaptation. The reboot will remain true to the original story, rather than functioning as a sequel to the flawed 1995 version starring Sylvester Stallone. The film is set on the wild futuristic streets of Mega City One; a lone oasis of quasi-civilisation amidst a violent world. Karl Urban is set to play Dredd – the scariest of the elite street judges, who hold the power to act as judge, jury and executioner. Hardcore fans will be pleased to know that Urban will be sticking true to the character by hiding his face, supposedly to symbolise the faceless system of justice and law.

6. Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall

After a lot of ‘is it, isn’t it?’ flying around, the “darker” sequel to the hit comedy/action Kick-Ass, which followed the quirky DIY superhero story of Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), is actually happening. The new instalment will see the adorable assassin we all know and love, Hit-Girl (Chloe Moretz), try to tame her hunger for violence through acting like a normal girl; watching cartoons, playing with dolls…guaranteed comedy moments. But villain Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) is set to adopt a much more dangerous mind-set, enabling him to seek revenge for his family’s murder.

5. The Amazing Spider-Man

After the relieving cancellation of Spider-Man 4, we think it’s about someone let the Hollywood youngsters breathe some fresh talented air into an exhuasted concept. Hot property Emma Stone is joining a surprisingly bulked-up Andrew Garfield in this retelling of Spider-Man’s confusing adolescence. Rhys Ifans has jumped aboard to play the supernatural villain, Dr. Curt Connors, who injects himself with lizard serum in an attempt to regrow his lost arm…leading to scaly consequences.

4. Prometheus

30 years on after directing Alien, Ridley Scott is returning to the sci-fi genre to direct another space-bound action movie. A spaceship by the name of ‘Prometheus’ is used to transport a group of scientists and explorers (including Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron) to a distant world where they will investigate fragments of “Alien DNA”. Hmmm…an Alien prequel perhaps?

3. The Avengers

I really really want this to be good. Really. After being given hints towards the merge through the marvel films Thor, Iron Man 2 and Captain America, we are all hoping that this potentially amazing movie will not disappoint. The plot sees an eye-patched Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) unite Marvel’s famous superheroes in the face of some big bad unknown beastie. Joining the spandex-suited and colourfully-booted team will be Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo, since Edward Norton decided to join the dark side…aka play a Warner Bros. villain) Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson). Sadly not all the Marvel comic heroes made the cut, with poor Antman, Wasp, Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch waiting it out on the bench.

2. The Hobbit: An unexpected journey

Finally, FINALLY the LOTR prequel, obviously based on the novel The Hobbit, will be released on the 14th of December 2012. Martin Freeman plays a young Bilbo Baggins, in his quest to retrieve stolen treasure from a dragon on Lonely Mountain. Oh, and he’s accompanied by thirteen scruffy dwarfs. Certainly unexpected, no?

1. The Dark Knight Rises

The epic conclusion to a breathtaking trilogy of one of, if not THE, most successful superhero series EVER. Christopher Nolan has gifted audiences with a darkly believable portrayal of one man’s determination to save his city from corruption and criminality. He is also renowned for prompting tremendous performances from the cast, most notably Heath Ledger’s haunting performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight. The final instalment is shrouded in mystery, yet we can expect an action-packed blockbuster, with appearances from the likes of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and Tom Hardy as Bane giving Batman a terrific send-off.

Yes, hotels are great. So when the New York Chelsea was bought by a property developer for $80 million who in then turned it over to an architect best known for creating Holiday Inns, pop culture as we know it took a jab to the nose. Because it isn’t just a hotel, it is the hotel. Jack Kerouac wrote On the Road there, but even he was late to the party: Mark Twain, Tennessee Williams and Eugene O’Neill also wrote their opuses within its walls. Dylan Thomas drank himself to death there. Sid Vicious stabbed Nancy Spungen to death in room 100. Ahh, good times. Such good times in fact, that Leonard Cohen even wrote a song about Janis Joplin giving him oral sex in room 415.

For over a century, the New York Chelsea hosted the very best and the very worst of times, so it only feels right that we pay homage. The way BFF pays homage best, which is by making a big ruddy list.

# 10 - Lost In Translation

So let’s imagine for a second you’re Bill Murray. Not Caddyshack Bill Murray, more like Groundhog Day Bill Murray. Feels good, doesn’t it? So you’re in Japan, falling in love with children and feeling world-weary about it, until suddenly, a prostitute arrives at your door. You are confused. You didn’t order any prostitutes. It turns out that not only is this prostitute unannounced, but she is also a psycho, who wants you to rip her stockings. Why? Because she likes it? Because she wants to prove to her boss that the two of you got it on? We’re never quite sure.

Sorry, crazy Japanese Lost in Translation hotel. We’ll be taking our business elsewhere.

# 9 – Hotel Chevalier, a.k.a. that terrible short film at the start of The Darjeeling Limited

Resolutely Wes Anderson’s most flawed film, the Darjeeling Limited was kind of unlikeable for a lot of reasons. It had all the Anderson bits we normally like – that is, the existential crisis’ of privileged white people – but something about it was kind of hollow, and let’s face it, dull. Perhaps the most unforgivable thing about it was the short film that precluded it, the horrible Hotel Chevalier. Hotel Chevalier was the sixteen minutes that killed Wes Anderson for a lot of people. It focuses on a slimy, deeply unsexy Jason Schwartzman and a deeply annoying, slutty Natalie Portman. They gaze at eachother and have irritating dialogue like:
“How long are you going to stay?”
“How long are YOU going to stay?”
And then they have hideously unsexy sex.

Maybe this entry is cheating a little, in that there’s nothing wrong with the Hotel Chevalier itself. I genuinely think I would never stay here because those sour-faced trollops got their rocks off in it.

#8 – Maid in Manhattan

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still … going to steal all your clothes and pretend to be you? Wait, what? NOT ON, J.LO. We do NOT steal Natasha Richardson’s things in order to sleep with a Ralph Fiennes. (As noble a cause as that is)

#7 – Borat

Ah, the hotel fight. The single scene in cinema that makes you want to go back in time and un-invent cinema. If you’re the one person in the world that doesn’t remember this, let me remind you: The naïve Borat’s finds his friend Azamat getting too friendly with a Baywatch annual he picked up at a jumble sale. All hell breaks loose as the two tear through their hotel in a very naked, very passionate fight to the death. Would you like your soup with a side of testes?

#6 – Barton Fink

Problems with the Hotel Earle in Barton Fink:

#5 – True Romance

If you’ve never seen True Romance, I’m going to need you to go over to the BFF store, pick up a copy for three quid, and wait for it to be delivered to your house. Then I want you to watch it, and then come back and finish reading this list. Have you done it yet? Good. Great.

True Romance is the best film ever made, and I will fight anyone to the death who disputes this. However, that doesn’t mean I’d like to stay in the hotel in its penultimate scene. The Mob are there, the police are there, the DS are there, and I’m pretty sure some miscellaneous characters make their way in, too. SPOLIER ALERT: Massive shootout, everybody dies.

#4 – Vacancy

You’re a young couple. You’re driving in a remote area at night. Your car breaks down. For the love of God and all that is holy, please do not leave your car. Do not seek help. Do not mention that there’s a ‘place just up ahead’ that takes in weary travelers. Die of exposure in your car first, because in all likelihood, the people who run the motel ‘just up ahead’ are going to be snuff movie makers looking to find their next star.

#3 – The Shining

You’d be forgiven for forgetting that The Shining takes place in a hotel (built on an ancient Indian burial ground, mind) because Jack Nicholson absolutely WRECKS the gaff with a giant axe.

#2 – Hostel

I think this goes without saying, but if some offers you a stint in an “undocumented” hostel in Eastern Europe, you should probably just say no. If you like your eyeballs and toes where they are, that is.

#1 – Hotel Rwanda

Because, well… obviously.

I mean would you LOOK at that wicker porch furniture? So tacky.

Anything to add? Or just feel like a rant about hotels/the Chelsea Hotel in general? Drop us a line, we’ll leave a mint on your pillow and everything.

#10 – Mulan

Aha, see… even Disney are down with a bit of gender bending. Welcome to Mulan, the tale of a young girl who impersonates a man so that she can take her father’s place in the army. Or so she claims, anyway. Is this really for the sake of your father Mulan, or are you unhappy inside your female skin? This song pretty much clears things up…

“When will my reflection show who I am inside?” Simple enough; plus we have the handy pointer of her wiping away half of her make-up and partially revealing Mulan in her (later seen) male persona. Either way, she heads off to war and falls in love with Chang, her captain, which causes a few awkward faux-homo moments. She also enjoys a montage of soldierly activities, all played out to the dulcet tones of Donny Osmond promising her that he WILL “make a man out of you”. Mulan is far happier in her male guise, right? And, weirdly, nobody ever catches on, even when she bathes in a nearby lake with some of her new friends. In a lake. Water IS transparent, right?

#9 – Victor Victoria

By jove, is that Julie Andrews? DRESSED AS A MAN? Yes, yes it is. So what? We can’t expect her to spend her entire acting career skipping across the Alps with a gaggle of children or sailing through the sky with a magic umbrella now, can we? This is her effortless performance in the wonderfully witty Victor Victoria. Andrews is a female soprano, struggling to make ends meet. On the advice of her gay friend, she finds work playing a male female impersonator; she’s a she pretending to be a he who pretends to be a she. Complex, huh? No wonder it completely messes up her personal life! A very daring storyline for the 80s (weird, considering it was the decade of Boy George!), this film is still as fresh and funny as it was when it first hit the silver screen.

#8 – Mrs Doubtfire

Robin Williams is an utter comic genius in the majority of his movies, but this one really takes the biscuit. Not only are we treated to a vast collection of Williams’ best accents and personas, but we are also treated to him dressing up an older lady in order to spend time with his children. Why? It’s all pretty much down to a nasty divorce and a messy case of unemployment; taking on the task of becoming his children’s new nanny sorta kills two birds with one stone there. He gets a pretty packet of cash to pocket AND some one-on-one time with the kids. What could go wrong? Well, quite a lot actually.

#7 – Yentl

Goodness, can you imagine the outcry if I hadn’t included Barbra Streisand’s performance in Yentl? So yeah, that’s Streisand up there, in her role of a young Jewish girl who impersonates a young Jewish boy, in order to enter religious training. The glasses are a particularly nice touch, I feel. The message is simple; anything is possible. Especially if you dress up as a man. Plus we get an absolutely formidable soundtrack, filled with the kind of showstopping tunes that Andrew Lloyd Webber is desperate to get his hands on! Just timeless.

#6 – The Birdcage

That’s right, I managed to include not just one but TWO Robin Williams movies in this countdown. Only this one is by far superior and not just because it co-stars Nathan Lane as Williams’ drag queen lover. And Christine Baranski, as his one-time heterosexual fling. And Hank Azaria, as an extremely camp illegal immigrant in a thong. The film follows two gay lovers welcoming “their” son home for the weekend, whereupon he informs them that he’s engaged. Only he’s not just engaged to a nice, normal girl; in fact, he’s engaged to the daughter of Senator Kevin Keeley, one of THE most right-wing moralists of the USA. The solution is obvious. Check it out:

It’s the great chemistry between all of the actors in this which makes it such a believable movie, despite the OTT concept. And, sure, it’s completely and pant-wettingly hilarious, but it also has a strong moral message. One which challenges our prejudices and urges us towards acceptance. “Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I’m a middle-aged fag. But I know who I am.” You just can’t beat a script like that – completely wonderful. Watch it, laugh at it, fall in love with it and, just maybe, be inspired by it.

#5 – The Silence Of The Lambs

Did anybody want a dose of terror with their cross-dressing movie? If so, you definitely can’t go wrong with The Silence Of The Lambs. Cue Ted Levine as Buffalo Bill, a cross-dresser suffering from extreme paranoid delusions and murdering size 14 women. Why? So he can skin them, of course! Yup, Bill’s taking the female impersonation to an entirely new level by wearing the neatly sewn-together skins of his female victims. Which, unsurprisingly, earned the movie a backlash from gay and transgender campaigners. However, it does lend an interesting dimension to his character and an extra wave of terror to proceedings. Pretty much The Godfather of the thriller genre.

#4 – Tootsie

Dustin Hoffman. That’s all most people need to hear in order to convince them to see any of his movies. And yet, somehow, I have a feeling that won’t quite cut the mustard this time, so do you want an even better reason to watch it? Bill Murray. Bill Murray, Bill Murray, BILL MURRAY.

Dustin Hoffman plays an actor down on his luck (that’s the cue for the mournful wail of a violin to start up!). The only job opening in sight is for a woman in a daytime drama, which he goes for, dressed up as Dorothy Michaels. He lands the job, inspires women everywhere and gets caught up in a sitcky love triangle between his female co-star and her father. It’s not a serious film; in fact, it would be foolish to deny that this is a comedy. Which makes it okay for Dustin Hoffman’s female impersonation to be about as suspicious as a puppy standing next to a steaming turd.

#3 – Boys Don’t Cry

Of course, it goes without saying that Hilary Swank’s performance in Boys Don’t Cry is probably THE stand-out role of her career so far. She’s Brandon Teena, the popular new boy in a small American town. He’s in with the boys, he’s dating the local beauty queen and basically has a charmed life. Until they all find out that he was born a girl under the name of Teena Brandon… and then his life is completely ripped apart. Tragic and theatrical, this movie doesn’t shy away from the sordid details of Brandon’s life, yet still manages to make him a character we sympathise with completely. Which means that this gritty flick is pretty harrowing at times, but a very rewarding watch. Must-see stuff.

#2 – Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert

This is, quite definitely, one of those films that you have to see before you die. And it’s all so deceptively flippant; two drag queens and a transsexual get a cabaret gig in the middle of the Australian desert. Instead of bagging seats on the nearest plane, the catty trio decide to drive there inside a lavender bus, which leads them into all sorts of trouble; from a bloody hate-fuelled beating to a rendition of Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive to an aborigine audience, this film is filled to the brim with surprises. And wigs. Let’s not forget the wigs. The script is fantastic, delving equally into an endless barrel of hilarious scenarios, as well as the gritty realities of life for transgendered individuals. The cast is absolutely stellar; who’d have guessed that Hollywood giants Terence Stamp, Guy Pearce and Hugo Weaving would be so good at dancing in high heels? Plus, despite some tearjerking scenes,the whole viewing experience is an utterly joyful one – you’ll never forget what the Thai bride does to that ping pong ball.

#1 – The Rocky Horror Show

Ohhhhh my. Is it just me, or does Tim Curry look ridiculously hot in his Frank N Furter get up? Obviously, I don’t mind if it IS just me, because that way there’s more to go around. How could The Rocky Horror Show NOT be my number one cross-dressing movie? It’s absolutely fantastic. Want proof? How about a little clip to whet your appetite:

Now how can you tell me that staring into Tim Curry’s heavily made-up eyes doesn’t make you weak at the knees? But you probably need a better reason for this making it to the number one slot, right? Hmm. How about the fact that it is THE cult movie of our lifetimes? It deftly and wittily rips apart the classic horror formula, throws in some fantastic music and a wealth of amazing stars. Susan Sarandon, anyone? Meat Loaf? TIM MOTHER-F*CKING CURRY? Ahem. I appear to have given myself over to absolute pleasure, so my apologies for that. Spare a thought for wholesome couple Brad and Janet, who have accidentally stumbled across a nest of transvestite aliens from an obscure planet known only as “sweet transsexual Transylvania”. And, hidden deep within the castle, awaits the charismatic and violent Frank N Furter, whom intends to unveil his latest creation to them all, at any cost… This deliciously out-there film is still as popular as it ever was in the 70s, showcasing beauty and horror and lust in oh so very many different ways. So thrill me, chill me, fulfill me and give me The Rocky Horror Show over all those other films any day. “So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver with antici… pation.” It’s going to be abso-bloody-lutely amazing.

But I don’t profess to have the last word on all things transgender… what’s YOUR favourite cross-dressing movie of all time?

Franchise director Ivan Reitman is definitely on board and happy with the script, cast rumours are bouncing around in all directions and, depending on who you ask, Bill Murray is either financing the film out of his own pocket or threatening to burn down the set – but the planned start date is now three months in the past and Aykroyd has admitted that the cast of young’uns who will take over the Caddy and proton packs from the elder Ghostbusters has still not been found.

Speaking on Dennis Miller’s radio show, Aykroyd expressed a hope that Murray would return – remember when rumour had it that his character Dr Venkman would appear as a ghost? – but stressed that Ghostbusters is bigger than any of its stars and that no one character’s absence could sink the project. Wasn’t he saying that when he said shooting would begin in 2009? Sigh…

Are you still holding out hope? Let it all out below…

#10 – Shutter Island

Aha, bet you weren’t expecting this! Sure, it’s a relative newbie to the genre, but it’s a damn goody too! Meet U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels, as depicted by the increasingly better-with-age Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s busy investigating the disappearance of a murderess in a hospital for the criminally insane; with huge walls, intense security, an island setting and the added obstacle of a hurricane, the case seems almost impossible to solve. And as Teddy throws himself into his work, he begins to doubt his own sanity. Memories that were never his, flashbacks to a past long forgotten and seeing things that aren’t really there… this movie doesn’t just mess with time, it messes with your head too!

#9 – High Fidelity

A love story from a guy’s point of view is always intriguing, but when that guy is music-obsessed Rob (John Cusack) it becomes a definite must-see. He’s just broken up with his girlfriend and, rather than move on, he’s decided to dwell on the past. I can identify with that. In fact, he compiles a list of his Top 5 break-ups. A little like your very own desert island list of despair! Where a single song can transport you back in time, or one word can cause Rob to disappear into a world of fantasy, this fun flick gives time games the indie-cool edge that inspired the (slightly weaker) 500 Days Of Summer.

#8 – The Matrix

You want a headmesser of a movie? You can’t go wrong with The Matrix, as Keanu Reeves is quick to find out. This one doesn’t just play games with time, it wipes out the concept completely. That’s right; our everyday lives are just dreams programmed into our brains by alien controllers. And, once you break out of the Matrix, you can even bend time to your will. Remember the cool scene where Keanu stops the bullets with his mind? That’s the one. Or, aptly, he’s The One. Watch it, be baffled by it, but do not try to understand it. Ever. There’s rumours that somebody tried to once and found their brain pouring from their nose.

#7 – Crash

Set over a single day, this award-winning movie follows several interweaving tales as the people of Los Angeles go about their (traumatic) daily lives. Specialising in the ‘ripple’ effect, we can watch how one person’s actions directly affect someone else’s life. Or, to put it more eloquently: “in L.A., nobody touches you. We’re always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.” Deep stuff.

#6 – Groundhog Day

Meet Bill Murray. And again. And again. Because, oh yes, Bill is living the same day over and over again! At first, it’s kind of fun. He can use it to his advantage, even! But, as time wearies on by, he realises that being stuck in a world where he watches everybody do the same thing again and again is a terribly lonely (and annoying) place to be. Cue a vast number of surprisingly inventive suicide attempts, none of which quite cut the mustard. I love this film mainly because I adore Murray’s self-deprecating humour, but watching him try to come to terms with the impending doom of repetition is absolutely unforgettable.

#5 – Spirited Away

Everybody loves a touch of animation, right? Well, when it’s as beautiful as this movie, you’d be crazy not to. Chihuro is your typical little girl… which basically means that she’s a sulky little so and so with some big opinions about the world. But that all has to change when her parents are transformed into pigs and locked up in a creepy hotel stockyard. Oh yes. Pigs. Why the hell not, eh? If this isn’t confusing enough, the beginning is the end and the end is the beginning. In short, the plot has been fashioned in a circle. It will never end and it will never begin. It just always is. Does that mean that the events in the film never happen? Were they a dream, or a mental projection of Chihuro… or has she become trapped in a crease in time? Throw in some faceless spirits, witches and gods and you have definitely got something to keep your mind working long after the credits roll.

#4 – Memento

This film has such a lovely name, putting one in mind of an airy-fairy rom-com. Couldn’t be any further from the truth, if I’m honest. Leonard (Guy Pearce) suffers from short-term memory loss. The last thing he remembers is the murder of his wife (I told you it wouldn’t be pretty!). But how can he catch a killer when he can’t form any new memories? Tattoos and excessive note taking, that’s how. Two stories run towards each other, working backwards and forwards through time, revealing a little more of the crime with every scene and finally meeting for an outstanding climax. Some memories might just be best left forgotten…

#3 – Sliding Doors

Do you ever spend your life wondering ‘what if’? Then this is the movie for you. Gwyneth Paltrow’s life rests, unbeknownst to her, on whether or not she catches a train. Her love life and her future happiness are utterly dependent on choosing the right path… but we just won’t know which this is until the very last scene. Parallel timelines, two nifty hairstyles and some excellent performances from all make this an enjoyable way to really make the most of that ‘two sides to every story’ theory.

#2 – Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

If you could wipe your ex from your memories, would you? Don’t just blurt out a yes, I want you to think ab… oh, never mind. Jim Carrey opts to do wipe the wildly vivacious Kate Winslet from his mind after a particularly horrible break-up, throwing the doors of his mind open to a shuffle card of memories. And yet, as he watches each argument and romantic moment fade away to nothingness, he suddenly realises that he doesn’t want to lose his Clementine forever. Is it too late to stop the process? Can he hide her deep within the recesses of his mind? And, if two people are destined to be together, will love find a way? It sounds mushy, but it really isn’t, I promise. The concept is a bit out there, the wit is deliciously dry and the constant muddling overload of non-linear memories means that we never quite know if we’re at the beginning or the end of things. The ultimate romantic film for people who hate romance.

#1 – Pulp Fiction

As IF I could play time games and not mention Tarantino’s masterpiece! Stocked up with gratuitous violence, plenty of dark comedy and utterly sardonic characters, this film depicts four interwoven stories of seemingly unrelated characters. You might know the outcome before you know the origin, or you might see things through the eyes of one character and then have this image completely skewered by the outlook of another. Get the facts before you get the fiction, or vice versa. Plus, you get Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, John Travolta AND Uma Thurman! You couldn’t ask for a better line-up than that. And, with a bit of obligatory hip-shimmying from Travolta, this is without a doubt one of those movies you have to see before you die.

So which movie is your favourite time muddler? Let us know by posting below…

Depicting a weekend when King George VI and Queen Elizabeth go to stay with FDR in his up-state New York home Hyde on the Hudson (so that’s where the name comes from!). Instead of drinking tea and playing baseball the Kind and Queen’s attention is drawn to FDRs close (waay too close) relationship with his sixth cousin Margaret “Daisy” Suckley.

It’s looks like Murray has set his eyes on the prize, by surrounding himself with British accents and playing a real life historical character in a scandalous situation I think we can safely say he’s finally going for the Oscar he missed out on for Lost in Translation. Go for it Bill, we’re all behind you!

So why sell out?

Answer One) It’s easy.

Examples: Philip Seymour Hoffman (Mission Impossible III), All of them (Couple’s Retreat)

As a rule of thumb, the shorter the shoot, the shittier the film. Zyzzyx Road, starring Katherine Heigl and Tom Sizemore, is the lowest grossing film of all time ($30) and it was made in eighteen days – not even half the length one of Sizemore’s rehab visits. Bill Murray was in Charlie’s Angels for about ten minutes, which must’ve taken a week of shooting at the very most. Angelina Jolie in particular has spoken out about taking films depending on the schools nearby for her children – possibly explaining the dismal The Tourist. Whether you’re lazy, you’d rather be at home with your kids, or Hawaii just sounds like a nice holiday, selling out for ease isn’t too dastardly.

Answer Two) You were conned into it.

Examples: Al Pacino (Ocean’s Thirteen), Bill Murray (Charlie’s Angels), John Travolta (Old Dogs)

Let’s be honest, some films sound kerr-azy. I don’t blame Will Smith for reading the script of The Matrix and thinking, nah, not my cup of tea. Yet, with a team of over-excited writers, producers and director, you can imagine how All About Steve could be touted as the next Citizen Kane. Maybe that’s a bad example, but I’m saying that Hollywood minds are like bellybutton fluff: easily moulded. And grey. Sigourney Weaver in Avatar might be a controversial pick, but all the shinyshiny talk from CGI failed to conceal that Avatar is effectively Dances with Wolves with smurfs instead of Indians.

People avoid these kinds of movies mostly by using that tired old dog of a phrase, ‘creative differences.’ Bill Murray claimed it as the reason for his surprise replacement by Bernie Mac in Charlie’s Angels 2, later saying director McG: “should be pierced with a lance.” Some actors don’t even start the project. Stuart Townsend left Thor, presumably because Queen of the Damned was so good he doesn’t need to work again. Joe Carnahan and David Fincher dropped out of directing Mission Impossible III and Tommy Lee Jones left as both actor and director in The Lincoln Lawyer, which must have been a bit of a blow to the producer who got stuck with Matthew bongos McGonaughey. You can escape a stinker, as it turns out: just cite creative differences and run.

Answer Three) Moneymoneymoneymoney

Examples: Michael Caine (Jaws: The Revenge), Julie Andrews (The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement), Sandra Bullock (Speed 2: Cruise Control)

Moolah. Green. Wonga. Whatever irritating slang you use, it’s a truism that money makes the world go round. It’s why Georgina Chapman is with Harvey Weinstein, and seems to have been the over-riding factor in the decision to make Little Fockers. And you know what? I understand it, I really do. You’ve got bills to pay- those toilet seats won’t crystallize themselves – mouths of various charming illegitimate children to feed, mistresses and drug dealers to pay off. When the quirky indie just isn’t going to stop the bailiffs, what can one do but sign on to whatever bat dropping of a blockbuster being ballyhooed around Hollywood by executives?

Take Julia Roberts. In what she called a ‘favour’ to Gary Marshall, she appeared in Valentine’s Day, an absurd production that managed to trick Kathy Bates of Misery into its bull-crap. For approximately six minutes of gurning, she walked out $3 million richer.

As 50 cent so accurately puts it: ‘I get money. I get money. [repeat]’

What’s the conclusion?

Japanese adverts. Seriously. You too can be like Sean Connery in that Japanese whisky advert where he slowly drinks for about a minute and a half (the one on which Bill Murray’s character in Lost in Translation is based) No acting, no line memorizing, just a strong liver and no artistic compass.

Unlike George Clooney in those lame Nepresso adverts, your mistakes are only going to be seen by the population of Japan, which admittedly is quite large, but on the whole quietly accepting, if you’ll excuse my casual stereotype. In-fact, it’s surprising that more actors haven’t gone down this route. John Travolta, take note – when your films start getting reviewed like this:

“Old Dogs is so singularly dreadful it halts time, folds space and plays havoc with the very notion of the self,”
- Tim Robey of The Telegraph

then it’s time to head East.