Shall we have a drink? Good. Pop on your favourite colossal historical epic (apparently you’re not allowed to call them ‘sword and sandal films’ any more) and pick up an amphora!

Take one sip (sandy war films):

Whenever someone does something inauthentic with a weapon. You know that spear you’re holding, mate? It clearly weighs about four stones, and it’s less aerodynamic than Oliver Reed. I don’t care if your dad’s Zeus, you couldn’t throw it five metres.

In fact, whenever anyone fights like a mental. The fight choreographer’s brief in Troy was ‘Achilles fights in a godlike manner’. In all that armour? In the desert? In Greece? Standing up without having a stroke qualifies as ‘Godlike’ – just shoot them, for Ares’ sake.

Whenever the CGI army/co-opted Turkish Army extras threaten to burn out your TV. Hordes of heavily armed men running at each other are so not what Armistice Day is about. It’s about duels between gleaming Greeks, whilst everyone else shares a fag and some retsina. Get it right.

Take two sips (classic Hollywood nonsense):

Whenever anyone wears tinfoil armour. Have you clocked the Romans in Ben Hur? They look like they’ve made budget Cyberman costumes for Hallowe’en out of whatever they could find at Poundland.

Whenever the old ‘rough and ready American man versus refined British bastard’ vocal clichés are rolled out. Look at this clip from The 300 Spartans – it’s like a costume party on the Death Star mid-Rebellion (plus there’s a bonus at the end and it’s FASSBENDER-SHAPED):

Whenever the massed forces of any given army spend days marching through the arid wastes and are still pretty much gleaming at the end of it. One simply mustn’t go into battle looking scruffy – whatever would Johnny Foreigner make of it?

Take three sips (fantasy adventure):

Whenever a mystical weapon happens. The Epirus Bow? Check. The Dagger of Whatever? Check. Gerard Butler’s right foot? Check.

Whenever a brilliant actor takes a ‘massive royal bastard’ role for the megaLOLZ. Brian Cox? Check. Brendan Gleeson? Check. BEN KINGSLEY? Dude, what the fuck? Check.

Whenever a CGI monster makes you spill your drink. If you’ve spilt it all, lick it off your trousers. LICK IT. Or the Cyclops will stalk and kill you like a dog in a cellar.

KICK IT YOU SPARTAN:

Whenever abs happen. Abs razed Troy, sacked Rome and pillaged Jerusalem. Abs put paid to Xerxes, Hyperion and Agamemnon. Abs look really good when they’re a bit sweaty and there’s a relatively harsh light from all the sand and gleaming metal, which is convenient. Abs BRING THE FUCKING PAIN.

Get drinking, for TONIGHT WE DINE IN CHICKEN COTTAGE!

Cinema Blend reports that Cox will costar as Galifianakis’ father, a retired senator who ‘has always been distant from his family’. Filming is currently taking place in New Orleans, and Dogfight will be coming out on August 10th 2012, timed alongside the run-up to the 2012 presidential election.

We’re OK with Cox playing a retired senator, as long as he promises to leave all the mutants alone from now on. What we’re really wondering is whether there any other father/son combinations that have been missing from the big screen? Christian Slater and Jack Nicholson? Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds? Let us know your thoughts below.

In Belgrade Rome, the people are starving and a group of desperate dissidents is preparing to march on the government’s fortified grain depot. The protesters are dispelled by armed police led by the brutal General Caius Martius (Fiennes), a high-born citizen and lifelong soldier who, despite his history of selfless military service, doesn’t bother to conceal his contempt for the common people. Caius Martius is hated and feared, but when a long-standing border dispute with the rebel Volsci forces flares once more into all-out war there is no-one else capable of facing the brutal Volsci commander Tullus Aufidius (Butler). After losing his squad in an assault on the disputed city of Corioles, Martius fights on alone, duels Aufidius to a standstill and successfully repels the Volsci, returning home a hero.

In recognition of his valiance at Corioles Martius is given the honorary surname ‘Coriolanus’, to the satisfaction of his steely and warlike mother Volumnia (Redgrave); however, his wife Virgilia (Jessica Chastain) would rather see him retire from the battlefield. With the current Consul reaching the end of his term, Martius is acclaimed as his replacement by the Senate, but his refusal to pander to the electorate angers the jealous tribunes Sicinius (James Nesbitt) and Brutus (Paul Jesson), who seek to undermine the support won by Martius’ chief supporter Menenius (Cox). As Martius’ reputation is poisoned by the tribunes’ machinations and his own belligerent snobbery, his position grows ever more untenable. He may be trying to wear a politican’s mask, but Martius is still a primal creature of rage and revenge – and the people of Rome would do well to remember what that might mean for their city should they turn him against it…

I doubt directors handling yet another film version of Macbeth or A Midsummer Night’s Dream know how lucky they are – Shakespeare’s most famous plots are etched into most of our minds, giving the audience enough background to let them survive any unwise cuts. Ralph Fiennes will have no such advantage. Happily, Coriolanus crashes through this barrier with machine-gun jammed into the shoulder and teeth bared in a snarl perfectly suited to iambic pentameter. The 2500-year-old story is brought bang up to date within a vividly realised and unashamedly dystopic Rome, all vaguely Soviet architecture and seditious graffiti. The script is perfectly adapted, losing swathes of humdrum and exposition-heavy dialogue in favour of scrolling tickertapes and flashes of TV broadcast which, whilst obviously derivative of Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet, work very well.

Ralph Fiennes proves himself a competent director with an eye for dynamic fight scenes, even if he is a little reliant on close-ups and shaky camerawork. Unfortunately, however, his most serious directorial wobble was with himself; although Fiennes resists the temptation to make himself the absolute centre of attention, years of projecting through a) the proscenium arch and b) his Voldemort makeup seem to have left him with a tendency towards overemphasis which almost appears hammy. Elsewhere, Vanessa Redgrave’s imperious Volumnia is a clear shoo-in for a Best Supporting Actress nomination (although it’s a shame the otherwise wonderful Jessica Chastain never manages to get out of her shadow) and Brian Cox is wonderful as a wily mandarin. Even Gerard Butler’s not bad, which I must say I didn’t expect.

Coriolanus is an exciting adaptation which roots a very old play in distinctly modern issues, most notably the concerns surrounding ex-military political leaders and the role of the media in polarising public opinion. Its flaws aside, Ralph Fiennes has produced an intelligent, well-balanced film which distils the emotion of Shakespeare’s text into something new, raw and thrilling.

In a Times interview, leading man James Purefoy said Ironclad was being pitched as The Magnificent Seven… in a castle. Why do filmmakers always pitch stuff as being like other stuff when we know its going to be nothing like it? Of course it’s completely different from The Magnificent Seven, but Ironclad had the potential to be a tense bit of cinema. The movie had amassed rather a large budget for an independent – over $20 million – which accounts for the good sets and costuming. Sadly, any semblance of a good film is demolished by the script, which is, to be frank, complete hooey.

The characters, who are largely one-dimensional, charge around the place saying predictable heroic/mercenary things, according to whether they are playing a goodie or a baddie. There are some stock scenes; jovial but seedy bar with wenches, bleak plains with armies appearing over the horizon, and the basic shots and edits do nothing to differentiate this film from the scores of other semi-historical epics.

A romance between Marshall, a Knight of the Templar who has taken a holy vow of chastity, and the married Isabel (Kate Mara) feels tacked on, and entirely unnecessary. One doubts they had the time to carry on a drawn-out, ‘we mustn’t touch each other – but we must’ relationship when under siege and existing on just horse meat and water.

Paul Giamatti and Brian Cox (Albany) are particularly noteworthy in their valiant attempts to salvage some bad writing, and the performance level all round is actually not bad. Fight scenes satisfy with their gory authenticity, and the trope of David against Goliath always invites audience sympathy with the little guy. Despite all this, Ironclad remains resolutely mediocre. How many sub-par action films will happen before people realize that a smidge of dazzling sword play does not a good movie make?

30. Into The Wild (2007)

Sean Penn directs Into The Wild, the incredible tale of Christopher McCandless who, having given up his worldly possessions and his family’s expectations, hikes his way to Alaska in search of himself. Based on true events, the film creates a fantastic sense of awe and inspiration as Chris draws closer to his goal; interlaced with poetic beauty and true sadness. Emile Hirsch, in the lead, definitely proves his acting calibre as his portrayal wrenches at the heartstrings.

Best Part: “…how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong.” Epic!

29. Wall-E (2008)

There haven’t been too many animated films in the last decade that can say they come close to the Disney classics. To put that in context, films like the Lion King or Little Mermaid were classics because of the underlying message each of them carried. Invariably animated films now will focus on humour alone, not a bad thing, but for those of a Disney generation we want a little more. Enter Wall-E. Incredibly funny, seriously witty and best of all – endearing. The message is clear even without something silly like dialogue.

Best Part: Wall E finally getting to hold hands with someone.

28. Children of Men (2006)

Films have always enjoyed portraying a grim future for humanity. None grimmer than Children of Men. In the year 2027, Mankind has lost the ability to reproduce, more the conception part than the naughty part thank goodness, and humanity can look forward to fading away into the dust. But wait, Clive Owen will save us! Brilliantly filmed, excellent cast and top class story.

Best Part: The opening sequence – filming ingenuity at its best!

27. 25^th Hour (2002)

Not many film makers had the guts to use 9/11 as a backdrop so soon after the event. And to do it properly. Spike Lee wasn’t too concerned as far as I can see but that’s because he had a great story to tell and he told it in great fashion. 25th Hour details the last “free day” of a convicted drug dealer before going to prison and is situated in a post 9/11 New York. Edward Norton, supported by Rosario Dawson, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brian Cox, Anna Paquin and Barry Pepper, rides at the helm and delivers a performance that conjures both sympathy and anger, and ties in the rest of the film perfectly depicting the entire scope of life New York has to offer.

Best Part: Norton’s rant in the bathroom.

26. The Last King of Scotland (2006)

Forest Whitaker may have been John Travolta’s mate in Phenomenon and in *cringe* Battlefield Earth, but he wasn’t anyone’s pal in the role that has now truly defined him; as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. The film, along with Whitaker’s portrayal of Amin, is scary and shocking – provoking nausea and intrigue simultaneously. Not a film for those with a weak stomach nor squeamish, but definitely one that will be remembered as a look into a particularly dark chapter of Africa.

Best Part: Whitaker’s dialogue with McAvoy at the airport shop.

25. Snatch (2000)

“Ya like dags?!” Oh yes of course, you’re talking about dogs. Guy Ritchie’s classic British gangster film that looks at the seedy underbelly of unlicensed boxing, mobsters, an un-killable Russian, a diamond and Brad Pitt beating the hell of of people. Still his best work. Still an absolute classic.

Best Part: “All he’s gotta do, is stay down. [Pitt smashes opponents face]. Now, we are f*****.”

24. Sunshine (2007)

Definitely the most underrated scifi film of the decade, Sunshine is one of Oscar-winning director Danny Boyle’s finest films. It follows the crew of the Icarus 2 as they make their way toward our dying Sun, in the hopes of being able to restart the fading star with a miniature Big Bang. Extremely intriguing and possessing some of the most tragically beautiful moments, the film sucks you in like a black hole and spits you out like a supernova.

Best Part: Capa’s jump – goosebumps!

23. In Bruges (2008)

Essentially one of the funniest and darkest films with an existential twist. Ray (Colin Farrel) and Ken (Brendan Gleeson) are two British hitmen laying low in the Belgian town of Bruge following Ray’s botched first job. Along their path they meet a racist dwarf, some manky hookers, the hot french girl from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Ralph Fiennes. In his funniest role to date. The film is excellent in portraying each character uniquely and offers some of the most hilarious dialogue ever – and manages to comment on existence. Cheers!

Best Part: “You’re an inanimate f****** object!”

22.V for Vendetta (2006)

The creators of The Matrix, the Wachowski Brothers, had a lot to make up for after putting the second and third films on screen. Even though featuring epic action. But they certainly delivered as the writing pair behind V For Vendetta. The film is brilliant, hinting at John Hurt’s previous role in 1984, and depicts a Britain firmly under the boot of tyrannical law. Scarred by the acts of the terrible government, V (Hugo Weaving) sets out to right the wrongs in this world of Big Brother with the help of a bald, but still very sexy, Natalie Portman.

Best Part: V introducing himself.

21. The Last Samurai (2003)

If you, like me, grew up knowing that the only thing almost as awesome as Batman were samurai, you sat around for a long time waiting for a film even to come close to Seven Samurai. Incredibly it came in the form of Tom Cruise. The Last Samurai gave audiences a colourful and rich glimpse into the world of the rising sun, and into the lives of the samurai. From their drastic opinions about defeat, to the raging torrent of emotions lying just under the surface – the film was accessible and immersing, pretty much everything you want from an epic.

Best Part: Katsumoto finding the perfect cherry blossom.

20. Batman Begins (2005)

See, I told you. Samurai are almost as awesome as Batman. Try then, if it isn’t too much, Batman… and Ninjas. Batman Begins showed the world who Bruce Wayne truly is and what makes him tick. Taking a realist and gritty angle to the series, director Christopher Nolan won over fans in their droves with this great adaptation and started one of the most successful franchises in cinema history. With The Dark Knight Rises just around the corner, you can’t miss out on this one.

Best Part: Bale’s training on the frozen lake with Neeson.

19. Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Little Miss Sunshine is offbeat at best. Maybe even too quirky. But that doesn’t stop this film from being one of the funniest and most endearing of the last ten years. A family of misfits, including suicidal Steve Carrel and inappropriate Gran-dad Alan Arkin, travels across country to attend a junior beauty pageant and along the way each must deal with their personal problems. Hugely entertaining and surprisingly meaningful, Little Miss Sunshine is fantastic.

Best Part: The dancing at the end.

18. Reqieum for a Dream (2000)

Few films can manage to capture gross interest while at the same time provoke incredible feelings of discomfort. Darren “The-Fountain-Was-Awesome-Too” Aronofsky’s Requiem for a Dream takes your brain, slides it along a line of heroin before bashing it into the wall. In a good way. Although the two might be the same thing anyway. The story follows four people, sexy Jennifer Connelly and legend Jared Leto among them, and the addictions they struggle with, from drugs to vanity to television shows – and culminates in possibly one of the grimmest endings to a film ever. Makes The Wrestler look like a family film.

Best Part: The ending hip-hop montage.

17. District 9 (2009)

As a South African, I take pride in the fact that I like prawns. They’re great to eat, useful when fishing and fantastic when in an argument with an Australian. Got another shrimp there Bruce? But my views on prawns changed substantially after watching District 9. I realized that prawns were people too. District 9 is a fantastic scifi film in its own right, but also in terms of what its trying to comment on. Apartheid South Africa, the bouts of xenophobia in recent years, Wikus van der Merwe (Shartlo Copley) and his “fokken” prawns are memorable and entertaining due to both message and performance.

Best Part: “Fokken prawns!” and because my mate Neale says it so well “No it’s katfood!”

16. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009)

The late Stieg Larsson and his Millennium Trilogy have captured audiences from around the world. The story of Lisbeth Salander is just too engaging not to. And The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is by far the best film of the three, the third having just been released here in the UK, and the most powerful in terms of Larsson’s writing. It’s worth mentioning that the novels, and films, have a grounding in reality as Larsson wrote them with a real life Lisbeth in mind, who was a victim of rape. Gritty and hard, intricate and absorbing, the story of Lisbeth (Noomi Rapace) and Mikael (Michael Nyqvist) is one you can’t tear your eyes away from.

Best Part: Lisbeth getting payback as she tattoos her “guardian”.

15. Gladiator (2000)

“There was a dream that was Rome. It shall be realized. These are the wishes of Marcus Aurelius.” You know what that is? That’s what I tell myself whenever I need to psych myself up for running after the bus when I’m late. It also happens to be one of the best lines in film to date. Gladiator, by director Ridley Scott, depicts Maximus, former general of the Empire of Rome, and his rise to fame in the Colosseum. He tackles tigers, fellow gladiators and ultimately – the emperor who destroyed his life. Russel Crowe is brilliantly powerful in probably his most famous role and commands attention on screen. Not that he had to worry; he had me sold after chopping the piggy-gladiator’s head off before shouting “Are you not entertained?!” Why yes actually Mr. Crowe I am, thank you for asking.

Best Part: Maximus getting his vengance – in this life and not the next.

14. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Enchanting is the word that springs to mind when thinking about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Director Ang Lee’s film catches the eye with epic scenery and an engrossing story, and tantalizes the brain at the sheer awesome nature of the fight scenes. While some people now days might criticize it for being a little over the top in terms of the characters jumping around and flying through trees, that magical quality is kind of what makes it so special. And makes me jealous as well.

Best Part: Every fight scene. And Ziyi Zhang.

13.Million Dollar Baby (2004)

Remember The Next Karate Kid? Hilary Swank played the lead in that, and did the cool kick thingy from big rock to small rock. Yeah now you remember! Well take that, multiply it by the amount of muscle she picked up for Million Dollar Baby, and you’ll have the exact value of great this film is. Clint Eastwood’s dynamic masterpiece shows off the female boxing world in all its glory and grit. Swank puts in the performance of a lifetime, for which she won an Oscar, and the heart numbing ending is enough to send even the hardest of viewers to the deck.

Best Part: Seeing Swank fight her way into Eastwood’s respect.

12.Donnie Darko (2001)

Ever had a trippy experience? And by that I mean have you ever been punched in the brain by something you’ve seen unfold in front of you? Well if you haven’t, watch Donnie Darko. Unless you’re still recovering from Requiem for a Dream, then maybe wait a bit before you do. Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) and his imaginary friend Frank, the giant bunny rabbit, take you on a ride unlike any other through the suburban world of time travel, portals and existentialism. It might not be up everyone’s alley, but the unique nature of the film is more than enough to warrant it as one of the best films of the decade.

Best Part: [Donnie]: “Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?” [Frank]: “Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?”

11. Inception (2010)

Okay, I’m going to be honest. I saw Inception at the cinema five times. Not in the UK mind you, I’m not made of money. The reason I saw it five times is well…it’s quite possibly my favourite movie of all time. The only reason it isn’t higher on this list is because Christopher Nolan has two others here already and I didn’t want to seem like I was stalking him. Read your mail Chris, it smells of me. *Cough* my apologies. Inception is a masterpiece of creativity, exquisite filming and killer performances. The thought of being able to break into someone’s mind and plant an idea is awesome and the many clever sequences within the dream are gorgeous. References to Tolstoy, mythology and Nolan giving the audience the choice of choosing a desired ending – I can’t think of anything about Inception that isn’t great.

Best Part: “Paradox”. And the “kick” Ariadne rides at the end.

10. Inglorious Basterds (2009)

While not historically accurate in many ways, Inglorious Basterds is definitely the best film depicting WWII in the last ten years. A la Tarantino no less. Brad Pitt and his basterds ravage through Nazi Germany, scalping soldiers and in general causing havoc for the Third Reich. Much to Hitler’s displeasure of course. The film is hilarious and dark, and contains possibly one of the most intimidating performances by an actor to date in the form of Christoph Waltz. Just watch the opening sequence and wait for Tarantino to go close up on him as he completely changes from the charming officer to devilishly great hunter. So good!

Best Part: Christoph Waltz. And quite possibly the best line in cinema “Say aufwiedersehen to your Nazi balls”.

9. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

Pan’s Labyrinth is something different. Something refreshing really. Something awesome. Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) plays a young girl who finds herself entangled with a mystical world during the 1940′s. Her innocent imagination is starkly portrayed in contrast to some of the grim natures of the other world and it’s something that makes the film so special. It’s an adult film with a classic children’s book feeling. Besides that, its incredibly well shot and the imagery used is impeccably poignant. It might be a little creepy at times, but its awesome from start to end.

Best Part: Ofelia finding…nah too many spoilers – let’s just say the ending.

8. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (2008)

Imagine living your life backwards. Being born old and then ageing back to youth – it would probably rank right up there with weirdest experience of the week. Fortunately you can see the incredible story behind such a person in The Curios Case of Benjamin Button. Cate Blanchett and Brad Pitt star in this feature, directed by David Fincher, yeah the legend himself, and is an absolute stroke of genius. I didn’t particularly find the story to be the impressive part, it was how it all panned out on screen that made it memorable. Watching Benjamin (Pitt) as a young “old” man turn into this old “young” boy was very vivid and so visually perfect you have to see it to understand.

Best Part: Seeing poor “old” Benjamin wanting to play in the retirement home.

7. Up (2009)

I rented Up to watch with my parents, another riveting Friday night really, because I’d heard it was really funny. What I didn’t realize was that I was about to watch quite possibly one of the most touching films ever. From the outset its quite clear that while it’s intended to appeal to children, the brunt of Up‘s message is really only aimed at adults. It follows Carl Fredricksen (Edward Asner) and his lifelong dream of journeying to South America, on which he picks up unlikely companions in a boy scout, a talking dog and a big-ass bird. Completely beautiful and epically memorable!

Best Part: Every time the dog speaks and the incredibly heartfelt first opening sequence.

6. Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Having already touched on the genius that is Danny Boyle with Sunshine – here is his second of the list. Slumdog Millionaire. The public reception of this film, which was freaking huge, is testament to what a great film it is. Jamal (Dev Patel) is in the hot seat on India’s version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and he’s doing a fantastic job as well, but how? The film details his harsh experiences growing up, ultimately helping him with each question in the show, and forming the backbone to this, essentially, romantic love story. The success and greatness of the film wouldn’t have been possible without a terrific story and Slumdog Millionare is watertight.

Best Part: “D.  It Is Written”

5. How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

Coming in at the highest spot for an animated film is How To Train Your Dragon. Why? Because it’s awesome, that’s why. Meet Hiccup (Jay Baruchel), the only Viking not to be built like a brick outhouse, who because of his diminutive size and ability to create disaster has been asked not to kill dragons like the rest of his village. However, using his ingenuity, he manages to catch the fearsome Night Fury but he immediately realizes he doesn’t want to kill dragons like the rest of his colleagues. After freeing Toothless, and helping him fly again, Hiccup and his dragon become pals, winning the girl and saving the day. But don’t let the simplicity of that statement make you think this film is straightforward. It has a superb message and burrows its way into your heart like only a dragon and his plight could do.

Best Part: Toothless and Hiccup flying together for the first time.

4. Harry Potter

It’s difficult to put down which of the Harry Potter‘s is best. They’re all good, especially the darker ones, but rather than try I’m just going to slap the entire series down. Which has now close on spanned ten years. Multiple directors, characters that have changed from annoying little kids into hardcore charm throwing wizards and witches, just the amount of time and effort put into creating these adaptations makes it worthy of recognition. To top it all off, they’re pretty cool movies too. No matter who you are, what you enjoy – Harry Potter is entertaining. Something a lot of films forget they need to be.

Best Part: Far too many, but most notably – Harry using Petronas Charm to save Sirius, Voldemort and Dumbledore fighting at the Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore throwing fire around after nibbling the Horcrux. Oh and Emma Watson.

3. Lord of the Rings

I don’t think there has or will ever be a fantasy series as engrossing as The Lord of the Rings. Yes you might say that it fits into a far too specific niche to be so high on the list but just like Harry Potter, you’re doomed to enjoy it. You might even say you’re…Mount Doomed. *Raucous laugher*. Genius. And even if Hobbits aren’t your thing, it was filmed with the huge potential for disaster, it could have become the flop of the ages if done incorrectly, it nevertheless stunned audiences for its immersing atmosphere and tremendous story.

Best Part: Fellowship: Arwen and Aragorn on the bridge in Rivendell. Two Towers: Gandalf and Eomer’s charge. Return of the King: Gollumn the “ever-annoying” burning in Mt. Doom.

2.The Dark Knight (2008)

Coming in at number 2 is The Dark Knight. The best justification I can give you for that is well…it’s The Dark Knight. It made over a billion dollars at the box office and remains to this day one of the greatest films, not only of the last decade, of all time. It has everything, a great story, terrific cast, an awesome director – just absolutely everything. Including the late Heath “The Joker” Ledger’s incredible performance, which I might add, is possibly one of the most frightening and legendary depictions of any character to date. From the first five minutes of the film, it’s clear whose leading the charge and Ledger doesn’t drop the tempo for one second; you’re terrified yet completely captivated and sitting patiently for him to do something. With a pencil or without one. I have no doubt that everyone who saw The Dark Knight will never forgot the chill that ran along their spines when the Joker films the “Batman”. LOOK – AT – ME! Gah, just got a bout of goosebumps thinking about it.

Best Part: “How bout a magic trick?”

And the Number One Film of the Decade is…

1.Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Does that shock you? It does?! How dare you! Well if you’ve seen the film you’re probably not too surprised. If you haven’t, once you’re done reading this, go out and rent it. You won’t be disappointed. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet form the leads in this, the number one film of the decade, and play a couple who have their respective memories of each other erased in the wake of their relationship failing and their inability to deal with it. We’re taken on a ride through Joel’s (Carrey) consciousness as he then tries to fight off and escape the deletion of his memories, realizing he actually truly treasures them. I know that might sound corny, even a little far fetched, but the way this is shown is excellent and highly artistic; making Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ultimately immensely beautiful and unforgettable.

Best Part: Joel and Clementine’s dialogue in the crumbling beach house.

And that’s that! The decade has flown by with hundreds of movies whizzing past into the annuals of cinema history. Stories of love and horror, tales of heroes and heroines, nobles and beggars, worlds far beyond imagination and gritty streets found everywhere – the Top 30 Films of the Decade, the first of the new millennium, you’re awesome and you always will be!

Red Film Trailer

Frank Moses (Willis) is a genial retiree who apparently spends his days tearing up his pension cheques so he has an excuse to call Sarah (Parker), the cheerful functionary who posts them to him. The high point of his day seems to be checking to see if his pet avocado has grown a new leaf… until he goes for a midnight wee and finds himself the target of a CIA assassination attempt. After dispatching his attackers with insolent ease, Frank (who, by the way, is an ex-Black Ops agent with a Langley file three inches thick) goes about assembling his old special forces team to find out exactly which of his shady missions has put them all on a covert hit list.

Octogenarian Joe (Freeman), acid-addled conspiracy theorist Marvin (Malkovich) and ex-MI6 assassin Victoria (Mirren) hit the road with Frank and his initially reluctant sidekick Sarah, who goes from gloomy hostage to gleeful seditionist in an improbably short space of time. As it becomes clear that other ex-agents are being killed off, it’s up to Frank to reach into the darkest corners of the intelligence community and fiddle with knobs that nobody else even knows are there in his quest to find out just who has the clout to use the CIA as a private hit squad. Still, it’s better than sitting at home complaining about the ambient temperature and battling with a dodgy catheter.

On the surface, the very least we should have been able to expect from Red was an absurdly over-the-top action comedy along the lines of The A-Team, which we gave three stars for its sheer fun factor. Unfortunately, Red just fails to deliver. It has individual scenes which are cracking, mostly the ones which revolve around John Malkovich’s hilariously monged space cadet character, but there’s just not enough to tie the film together or justify the absurd action sequences in which Bruce Willis kicks every ass in Kansas City to distract you from his very obvious facelift. Every single part is hopelessly underwritten, Brian Cox’s delicious-on-paper supporting role is wasted on a cheap accent and a crap beard, and the explosions happen so frequently that they soon stop being exciting, scary or even noteworthy – they’re the pyrotechnic equivalent of stabbings in Hackney.

To replicate the Red viewing experience (because Christ knows you don’t actually want to go and see it), imagine the lead cast suffocating in a grain silo of rejected scripts for Johnny English 4 and Die Hard 12. For two hours. Not only that, but as they piss themselves and claw at the rusty corrugated iron edge of the silo, hopelessly debasing themselves in an attempt to escape, a shit director whose greatest achievement to date is the frankly abhorrent The Time Traveler’s Wife hits them in the face with their own hard-won Academy Awards. They’re recognisably the actors you’ve loved in some of your favourite films, but there’s nothing you can do to help them and you desperately wish you hadn’t had to see them in such a compromising position. You’re a little bit disgusted; and although you’ll convince yourself that dull ache in your stomach is just pity, you know you won’t ever feel quite the same way about them again.

Anyhoo, story is that Malkovich confirmed all those Vulture rumours flying about (sorry), and he really has been lined up to play the baldy green villain in the upcoming Spidey 4. Since the project has mired itself deep in development hell, however, his appearance ain’t exactly confirmed – he admitted himself that he’s waiting for a script.

The other tidbit is slightly more promising – Malkovich has joined the cast of Red, another comic-book adaptation that starts filming this week. Red sees Malkovich teaming up with Bruce Willis as retired black-ops agents pitted against younger – and more technologically savvy – assassins. Reputedly a comedic role, Malkovich’s character is a paranoid chap who’s always believed everyone’s out to kill him. The cast also includes such luminaries as Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Richard Dreyfus and Brian Cox.

So why the Sam Hill was John Malkovich on an Italian sports show? Somebody, please, tell us below. It’s gonna keep on bugging us ’til we find out.

He won’t be the only Hollywood-pedigree star to feature in David Tennant’s swansong, either. Former Bond Timothy Dalton will also be turning up at some point, as will John Simm.

Brian Cox has a damn good TV history, appearing in Frasier as Daphne’s Dad, Deadwood and (we were a bit surprised by this one) an episode of Red Dwarf VII.  He’s also been rumoured to be playing a dwarf (the smart money’s on Thorin) in Guillermo del Toro’s upcoming Hobbit films. Blimey. Keeps him out of trouble, I suppose, even if we do keep accidentally mixing him up with Albert Finney.

Ultimately, the film lives up to the hype. Anderson brings his own wacky flavour to the material, making it far from a cookie-cutter Disney-style animation of the sort that seem to be churned out weekly these days, making me fear for the blandness of the next generation. Rather than the high-tech style common to such animations, Anderson uses old-school stop-motion, heightening the film’s rollicking sense of fun. In a further departure from the seamless animations of the noughties, shots are cut together disjointedly and the actors appear to be ad-libbing their voice contributions half the time. This creates a Monty Pythonesque sense that you have no idea where things are going next and neither do they. Along with a feel-good Jarvis Cocker soundtrack, it adds up to a highly enjoyable experience for adults and children alike.

This is a thinking man’s animation, and cluey kids out there will appreciate that, just as they appreciated Dahl’s Fantastic Mr Fox a generation ago over the usual ‘once upon a time’ sap. And for those of us old enough to not require a parental chaperone to the cinema, it’s just bloody good fun.

Special Features

The making of Fantastic Mr Fox: (2 featurettes)

The Look Of Fantastic Mr Fox.

A Beginner’s Guide To Whack-Bat