THINK ON YOUR SINS, Twilight fans.
What exactly did you expect from an action epic based on a tea-time board game, starring John Carter, Rihanna, Liam Neeson in his sternest nose and an unexpected boat-steering pensioner whose only line is “looks like someone’s gonna BITE THE DONKEY”? Is this the greatest film ever made? Is it so dreadful I can’t see colours anymore? Why do the aliens love horses? Why is it OK to ask whether a man with prosthetic limbs might be “ONE OF THEM CYBORGS?” Is that blood running down your ears, or can tears come out of there now? Battleship has changed everything.