So, the year is 192normal DiCaprio face, and Leo Di Caprio’s face couldn’t look more normal. After grafting away for years at the Justice Department of the federal government, his love of counting things and failure with the ladies (well would YOU sleep with DiCaprio? Exactly) means he’s on the cusp of heading up his very own agency: The Federal Bureau of Investigation. With Communist Bolsheviks threatening the very American Liberty that anyone who stands in front of a flag talks about, it’s up to Hoover’s new department to clear up the streets, pursue the cutting edge in forensic evidence and usher in a new age of criminal justice free from the messy restrictions of the existing police force. It’s all a bit complicated, being history and all, so perhaps it makes sense that his tale is also being gravely narrated by an aging Hoover in 197fake DiCaprio face. He’s writing up a memoir for Explaining Narrative reasons, and telling the tale of his life to various junior agents who lower their eyes respectfully and try not to notice the fact that, quite obviously, this is Leonardo DiCaprio with a melted candle on his face.

The problem with J Edgar is that rather than confidently building an arc around a chosen story, it flits nervously between the various controversial aspects of Hoover’s life, never quite having the balls to condemn him for his decisions but having no desire to deify them either. The impact his bureau had on modern American government, his turbulent relationship with his deputy/lover Clyde Tolston, his obsession with the power of information and the slightly disturbing influence of his mother (Judi Dench, in the kind of performance she can knock out before she’s brushed her teeth) – all are gently flicked through but never really grappled with, either in Dustin Lance Black’s script or in Eastwood’s direction. It doesn’t help that DiCaprio is far more charismatic as the young Hoover – the scenes between him and his protege Clyde (a cool and calm Armie Hammer) fizz with emotions unsaid, with the possibilities of their combined futures – but even these moments are flattened by the invariable flicks to the future; both actors sitting glumly in big chairs and bigger chins, looking disconcertingly like Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker after some shoddy storage.

Don’t get me wrong, Leo puts in as credible a performance as you’d expect, but it never touches the raw emotion of his Howard Hughes. Instead, the constant time jumps mean that you never really get a chance to connect to his J Edgar, and his constant, sanctimonious voice-overs from beneath his flesh balaclava (“history has a way of only remembering the things it remembers to forget” – you know the kind I mean,) ensure that even moments of lightness are swiftly dragged down by the worried weight of artistic intention. Naomi Watts is (once again) utterly pointless as Hoover’s secretary/confidante, and the dénouement – an irritating narrative twist that attempts to justify two hours of past-powdering – only serves to highlight the fact that we’ve basically spent two hours on a story no one believed in.

Not sexy enough to be be considered a dramatisation, not ruthless enough to be an exposé and not quite plastic enough to be a puppet show, J Edgar instead spreads itself over every genre going, diluting a potentially explosive story of a obsessive visionary into a po-faced tragedrama. Secrecy, passion, paranoia, love and sacrifice – there’s certainly a few stories worth telling in the history of the FBI, but in its attempt to encompass all of them, both Leo and J Edgar get lost below the layers of artifice.

Armed with over 100 instruments, five brilliantly comedic musicians perform a fistful of Ennio Morricone classics from the movies that made Clint Eastwood a star, including soundtracks from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, For A Few Dollars More and Once Upon a Time in The West. Take a look, it’s unlikely you’ll see anything else like it:

These Aussie maestros have made a name for themselves combining startling musicality, a love of Ennio Morricone and a healthy passion for shouting; creating the ultimate experience for Western lovers everywhere. They’re also known for their use of alternative instruments: blowing on bottles, crushing cornflakes, playing coathangers, apples, squeaky toys, rubbergloves, bicycle pumps, nailclippers and many more – recreating every punch up, gunshot, and jangling spur that define the gun slinging west.

Got any Eastwood fans that could do with cheering up? Of course you do, the last film he made was Hereafter for goodness’ sake. Make your Monday and their life – check out the ridiculous and unique Spaghetti Western Orchestra and pretend it was all your idea.

Learn more about these note-totin’ bandits here, or book your tickets for their January concerts here

JOIN THE MONDAY REVOLUTION! Let us know if there’s something brilliant happening near you next week: email info@bestforfilm.com and we’ll be on you like smell on manure.

Take one sip:

Whenever anyone spits

Considering how dry it looks to be in the Wild West, it seems unwise to lose as much moisture as the assorted cast members seem to throughout these movies. This includes when Clint Eastwood spits out the end of his cigar.

For each nameless dude gunned down

When The Man With No Name really starts fanning the hammer, this can get seriously destructive.

Whenever Lee Van Cleef has an excellent mustache

I know that’s technically all the time, but you know… Whenever the light really catches it.

Whenever the camera focuses on someone’s eyes for more than three second

If you want to really kill yourself, you can keep drinking until it stops. Good luck with the duels.

Still upright, Old Man? Saddle up properly, then, ’cause we’re ridin’ into Drunksville.

Take two sips:

Whenever Clint Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef clearly want to kiss

Do it!

For every non-named (or barely named) dude gunned down in a duel

Usually when the bad guy needs to prove he’s arbitrarily the best and killing just everyone.

Whenever the dubbing becomes glaringly obvious

Interestingly, the mixture American, Spanish and Italian cast all spoke in their native tongues and were later overdubbed. Largely because Leone blared the music SUPER LOUD throughout shooting.

Every time Clint Eastwood flips his poncho over his shoulder

Because shit is about to go DOWN.

Take three sips:

Whenever the camera follows a gun barrel about to fire… but it’s the sniper that gets shot instead

If they’d just taken the shot, it’d all be over, but they have to ham it up for the camera.

Whenever something that isn’t a person gets shot

If you’re feeling brave, one for each shot used on it.

When anything gets the shit dynamited out of it

This includes bridges, buildings or anything that is just dynamited all up.

Whenever a named character dies at the end of a CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN

You’ll know when this happens because you’ll realise you stopped breathing.

DOWN IT MARSHAL:

When Clint Eastwood makes it clear how his mule feels about laughing

Gets the crazy idea you’re laughing at him…

When Tuco kills a dude while having a bath

Don’t worry, the bubbles protect his modesty. Actually, he doesn’t have any modesty, but they protect his cock.

As soon as the tension becomes unbearable in the three-way showdown

We reckon it’s about five minutes in to the super close shots of squinting.

When you hear the Man With No Name’s name

It’s not “Blondie”, that’s for damn sure, but it’s there if you listen close.

Good luck and good shooting. ‘Cause if you can’t hunt bounties, hunt some booze!

Since the 1940s, rumors have circulated that Hoover was romantically involved with Clyde Tolson, an associate director of the FBI who was Hoover’s heir and may have been his lover. Judging from the trailer, it seems as though Eastwood may have pushed this story, showing the pair holding hands for the briefest of moments. Interesting.

We’ve also seen Leo transformed with old man make-up (he still looks good!) which suggests that this biopic will span a greater deal of J. Edgar’s life than we had first presumed, covering everything from his early career right up to the later years of his life, when he became a figure of immense controversy. As Leo says himself at the end, “even great men can be corrupted.” We’re guessing that Eastwood’s version will give us an in-depth examination as to how…

Acting titan Judi Dench, as well as Naomi Watts and Armie Hammer, will star alongside Leo, lending their character skills to the screenplay penned by Academy Award Winner Dustin Lance Black. Will they pull off this Eastwood’s ambitiously decade-spanning project? One thing’s for sure; if this film is a success, we guarantee Leonardo will have finally earned his Oscar. It’s time.

Luckily, Chan-wook Park’s South Korean epic Oldboy has been left in the capable hands of Spike Lee (Inside Mann, Malcolm X). Christian Bale is considering the part of the main villain in Lee’s remake, which will be adapted straight from the Park version rather than the original (and very different) Manga comic.

Bale is by no means putting all his eggs in one basket though, and has been rumoured to be considering a spot in Clint Eastwood’s A Star is Born remake, alongside Beyonce; Darren Aronofsky‘s biblical epic Noah and Michael Mann’s Gold. All this will be in the wake of The Dark Knight Rises, supposedly his last appearance as Batman. Oh, and he’s signed on for Terrence Malick‘s next as yet untitled picture.

All in a day’s work for the manic Bale.

#10 You’re a Scientist… Resident Evil

Ooo look at me I’m a top scientist with a huge brain. With my huge brain I am under pressure to come up with a cure for cancer, a quick fix for scurvy, and a pill that will transform you into Superman. Ooo look, I got a bit too stressed, made a tiny mathmatical error, and instead created a zombie producing virus that has now been unleashed and has completely consumed the planet! Scientists, don’t watch this film. It will only add to your pressure and dammit, we want to live!

#9 You’re high up in a company… Disclosure

If you’re a big-wig executive, the world will assume you’re smart. Do you know what isn’t smart? Giving in to the sexual advances of your ex-girlfriend who has just started working with you, that’s what! Do yourself a favour, say no and run (even if she’s Demi Moore), before you find yourself in court for sexual harassment with your world falling down around you. It can happen. But watching this film will probably cause you to break out in an uncontrollable sweat if the opposite sex so much as looks at you. Then you’ll just look weird. And wet.

#8 You’re having an affair… Fatal Attraction

Don’t watch this for one reason – fear. Fear that your lover will pick up your daughter from school without you knowing. Fear that she’ll call you non-stop and start follwing you. Fear that she’ll kill your daughter’s bunny and leave it boiling on the stove, and fear that she’ll try and kill you and your wife, resulting in one of you having to kill her. Actually, if you’re THINKING of having an affair then by all means go ahead and view. Perfect way of keeping you pure.

#7 You’re a Boxer… Million Dollar Baby

She, like so many others, had a dream. She dreamt to be a world class athlete, the best female boxer there was. She had come from nothing and with training from Clint ‘if I squint any more I might lose my eyes but I can pull it off’ Eastwood, she made it! Only to get hit by a crazy, boxing psychopath on steriods, fall and break her neck on a chair, realise her career is over, and eventually die. Watch this if you don’t want to be a boxer, if you have no dreams, or if you have dreams but don’t mind them being shattered.

#6 You’re a Pilot… Snakes on a Plane

According to Superman, flying is the safest way to travel. However when you’re in a 200-foot aluminium tube, 30,000 feet in the air, with slimy little and large snakes that can trip a circuit or a hydraulic, which would then send you down faster than a Thai hooker, you might think a little differently. In order to avoid a mid-air heart attack due to your coincidental fear of snakes, forget this film exists, and maybe frame the Man of Steel’s words.

#5 You’re a Teacher (female)… Mean Girls

Unless you are teaching six and seven year-olds that can easily be scared into doing what you want, there’s no denying that imparting knowledge to the next generation is a tough gig (and a burden we at BFF bear every day). What makes it even worse is when you have a bunch of sixteen year old, tarty looking girls, who wear way too much make-up, describe everything as ‘fetch’ and have a Burn Book which spreads the rumour that you sell drugs to children. Worldwide teachers, do not watch unless you are happy living a life full of paranoia.

#4 You’re an Astronaut… Deep Impact

All you ever dreamed about since you were a child was being an astronaut. You wanted to see the stars, step on the moon and float around in rooms minus gravity. Little did you know that amongst the amazing views and powdery food, your planet would call on your expertise to save it from a life-destroying meteor. And not only do you end up having to sacrifice yourself, but you didn’t even 100% succeed. Deep Impact may put you off your future space expeditions due to recurring dreams of Earth’s impending doom.

#3 You’re a Doctor… Pathology

So you’re a doctor, good for you. You save people’s lives on a daily basis (arguably sacrificing your own due to ridiculously long hours but you don’t care), and look you now have a bunch of medical students who, like you, strive to be the unsung heros of the world. But wait a minute, did you hear that right? Your med students are actually deranged and sadistic and are involved in a game to see who can come up with the most undetectable murder? And you might be next? Yeah, you did hear right. This film might make those 36 hour shifts go by very, very slowly.

#2 You’re a Soldier… Brothers

Upon going into the army you might like to think that you are fully aware and ready for the dangers and experiences that lie ahead. But nothing can prepare you for being captured by the ememy, knowing that no-one knows you’re alive, and being forced to beat to death your best friend – which in turn leads you to have a psychotic breakdown which is not helped by the knowledge that your wife kissed your brother. Though sometimes it’s best not to think about these things. We’re just saying.

#1 You’re a Parent… Taken

Being a parent is stressful and worrying – your kids won’t do as they’re told, they break curfew, they don’t tell you where they’re going, they make your life hell. Imagine then if you are exposed to two hours of film about someone’s daughter innocently going on holiday with a friend, only to be kidnapped, drugged up and sold as a prostitute somewhere in Europe! Quick honey, put the bars on their windows, they’re not going anywhere… this is no way to live.

The leading lady set to play the role of the poor and helpless struggling singer is none other than the bootylicious queen of the divas, Beyoncé Knowles. The role of Beyoncé’s older boozy lover, whose career rapidly declines, is a little less clear with many names being dropped into the mix such as Russell Crowe and Will Smith. However it appears that Eastwood is gunning for his leading man to be the formidable Leonardo DiCaprio (pause while at least 50% of the female population swoon).

The story is essentially this. A struggling female singer meets a famous man. Singer and man fall in love. Singer then becomes more famous than man. Man takes it badly.
A typical everyday story I’m sure, but with Eastwood at the helm and DiCaprio and Knowles on the rigging, this ship is surely set to sail far.

There have been rumours of ties to two different projects; Father Daughter Time: A Tale of Armed Robbery and Eskimo Kisses and The Trade. Damon is being very coy about the whole affair only saying that the project will star John Krasinski (The US Office).

The Trade is suffering some legal issues at the moment. The film was set to focus on former Yankee players Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekrich who admitted in 1973 that they often traded wives. Mike Kerkrich is not happy about his scandalous past being dug up and put on public display so, unsurprisingly, he has thrown a spanner in the works. This has left us thinking Matt Damon’s directorial debut is going to be Father Daughter Time: A Tale of Armed Robbery and Eskimo Kisses.

The premise of this story is about as original as Damon’s career path; a man goes on a three state crime spree with his daughter. Despite this we are expecting big things from this project considering Damon’s teachers include only the greatest out there: Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood , the Coen Brothers, Steven Spielberg, Francis Ford Coppola to name just a few. Asides he’ll have his big brother Ben Affleck to guide him the whole way along.

Fresh from wowing everyone as the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network, Hammer (no more “you can’t touch this” jokes please) will be saddling up to play the lead role next to side kick Tonto, played by non-other than Johnny Depp.

For those not in the know, The Lone Ranger was a popular radio show in the 30’s and became a TV classic across America throughout the 40’s.

If the image of Hammer riding around on a horse with a mask and a cowboy hat, being followed by his loyal and trusted A-list celebrity sidekick doesn’t excite you, Hammer will be appearing in Tarsem Singh’s Snow White, before starring in Clint Eastwood’s J. Edgar Hoover biopic, J.Edgar, with Leo DiCaprio and Naomi Watts.

Start at the beginning of Clint’s career and have a dink when:

A. He shoots a bunch of guys at once.

B. He shoots one guy from a frankly unbelievable distance.

C. He takes his hat off to reveal hair taller than Robert Pattinson’s.

D. He says something iconic like: ‘Get three coffins ready.’ ‘I don’t think it’s nice you laughing.’ ‘Do you feel lucky?’ or ‘There are two kinds of people in this life, those with guns and those who dig. You dig.’

Part 2. Woolly Liberal Clint.
(For this you will require a series of less conservative drinks. Choose from: A Cosmopolitan, a Captain Mogan and Coke, an Ultimate Iced Tea, Stella Artois.)

Fast forward to the end of Clint’s career and have a drink when:

A. He has the chance to shoot someone but doesn’t.

B. He says something that deconstructs his own myth. For example; ‘I ain’t like that anymore, kid.’ ‘Hell of a thing killing a man.’ ‘Get off my lawn.’

C. Then drink whatever you can get you hands on to help you endure sitting through Space Cowboys, True Crime, Bloodwork, Absolute Power, The Bridges of Madison County, Invictus or Hereafter

Good luck, punks!