The Happy Prince will, we suspect, focus on Wilde’s final years (which weren’t actually that happy, because sometimes TITLES LIE). Everett will be joined in the squalor of a Paris garret by Colin Firth, who is due to play Reginald Turner. Reggie was one of the few members of Wilde’s circle who didn’t abandon him after his incarceration and, in fact, was beside Wilde’s bedside when he died aged just 46. Those in the know may be surprised at this particular bit of casting, since Everett and Firth (who have starred together in a number of films including two Wilde adaptations) are famously not the best of friends…

Period drama veteran Emily Watson and Tom Wilkinson, who was actually in Wilde as well, will also appear. Hopefully Jude Law will be run over by a cart or something in the background at some point, perhaps with Zoë Wanamaker on hand to give him a good kicking. Do you think we’re going to get this emotionally overinvested all over again?

We’re not quite sure that the unnaturally fresh-faced Everett has it in him to play a prison-ravaged aesthete dying of cerebral meningitis, although early whispers suggest The Happy Prince will actually be a tragicomedy in which Wilde wryly reflects upon his own downfall. That could work. Filming’s not due to begin until next year, so we’ve got plenty of time for idle speculation!

Is Stephen the only Wilde for you? Let us know below!

Tom Cruise is obviously having the best time of his life as precious rock legend Stacee Jaxx, and it’s rather nice to remember that Catherine Zeta Jones is properly good at stuff like this. In fact all the cameos look like good fun (oh Paul Giamatti, you heart-stealer you) – but fun enough to sustain what is evidently a bolted together storyline? It aint got the class of Chicago, it’s unlikely to have the technical prowess of West Side Story and at no point does Colin Firth say “excuse me, is there a trouser press on the island?” Even in the trailer it all starts to drag a little, which doesn’t exactly bode well for the feature length version. All in all, we reckon those who are already fans will be delighted, and those who aren’t… well… people love to shout about things on the internet, right?

Will you be biting heads off small creatures to Rock Of Ages? Let us know below…

According to Deadline Hugh Grant walked out of a script meeting after citing problems with the story, and it was looking less and less likely that shooting would begin at all after the film had been unceremoniously dumped by director Paul Feig. But to be honest, the core team is still pretty darn strong – it sounds like both Colin Firth and Renee Zellweger are still desperate to get started, and new director Peter Cattaneo (of The Full Monty fame) is actually a much better fit for the project anyway.

So when will we know for certain? Probably only when the cameras start to roll. Without a third novel to base the film on, (and considering the lack-lustre sequel), we’re still pretty wary of the idea of a third outing for Silly Bridget. At the end of the day, do we want to see yet another comedy fight between Oscar Winner Colin Firth and Best Days Are Behind Him Hugh Grant? Well… yes. We’re pretty easy to please, when it comes down to it.

In 191?, Wallis Simpson Windsor Something Else (Riseborough) is having an angry bath because her husband didn’t come home for dinner. In 199?, so is Wally Winthrop (Cornish). The difference is that Wally’s husband (Richard Coyle) doesn’t come home, pick her out of the bath by her hair and kick her in the stomach so that she miscarries all over the clean floor. Wally, who’s convinced that her paediatrician doctor is cheating on her, is killing time with an old friend at Sotheby’s when she wanders into an exhibition of ephemera belonging to the Duke and Duchess of Windsor (formerly Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson). Conveniently developing an overnight obsession with her apparent namesake, Wally spends the next God knows how long mooning around the gallery day after bloody day whilst Evgeny (Oscar Isaac), a “Russian intellectual slumming it as a security guard” (no, really) spies on her via CCTV. Classy.

Returning to Wallis ‘ow my womb’ Simpson, it’s 193? and she’s finally married Homer or whoever, allowing her surname to catch up with the public consciousness. However, things are buggered once she meets the dashing and rather naughty Prince of Wales (D’Arcy), who sets his sights firmly on Wallis as she happily reciprocates. “Your royal highness, what a surprise!” blusters Mr Simpson one evening as he walks in on the Prince having a Martini in his living room. “Really? I’ve been here every night this week,” drawls HRH. Surely one doesn’t fail to notice a thing like a prince on one’s sofa? Anyway, you know the drill – Wallis goes off with Edward, he renounces the throne, Colin Firth (or, rather, some skinny creature with four or five lines in the WHOLE FILM) takes over and the happy couple flee to France to be good Nazis-in-exile while poor old Bertie keeps the country going. Except things aren’t quite that simple. Really, though, who cares?

Right, first things first: see that star up there? It’s for Andrea Riseborough. All of it, she doesn’t have to share at all. Riseborough is quite superb as Wallis Simpson, as convincing as a twenty-year-old ingenue in Shanghai as she is as a septuagenarian dancing for her dying husband. Be she seductive, heartbroken or simply lonely, she is never less than watchable and usually much more. Her performance is the only one worth watching – Abbie Cornish has still not learnt to act and modify her horrible accent at the same time (although she can at least stick to one or the other now, which is more than she did in Bright Star), and James D’Arcy is one-dimensional and utterly tedious as the effete Prince. I still have literally no idea what the Russian guy was about, so the less said there the better.

In any event, there’s a special lady who I’ve been saving up all of my spleen for. How many films will Madonna have to make before someone manages to tell her that she CANNOT FUCKING DIRECT? W.E. is the cinematic equivalent of a large dessert-spoonful of horrible milky baby shit running down the leg of a consumptive infant in a Victorian workhouse, and the worst thing is that everyone appears to know it. Even Cornish has the grace to look embarrassed about the fact that she spends a clear third of the film in her underwear (who needs talent when you have tits?), and Riseborough’s misery at every amateurish camera angle or stultifyingly dull line of dialogue is thick enough to cut with one of her killer heels. It’s boring, boring, boring in a way that no film with two different timelines and a backdrop of war, adultery and cameos from Mohamed Al Fayed (OH YES HE DID) has any right to be, and then just when you think it can’t get any more boring something really shocking and horrible happens. Did Wally’s husband really just say “You couldn’t give me a baby even if I wanted one, you fucking stupid cunt”? Oh, apparently he did.

About an hour and a quarter into watching W.E., I took the plastic wrapping from the top of my emergency shit film four-pack of cider and tried to wrap it round my face until I died. It works for dolphins, doesn’t it? An asinine, infantile waste of time, money and at least one talented actress (maybe a maid was good or something and I didn’t notice), W.E. must – simply must – mark the end of Madonna’s career in the cinema. Oh, and just to recap: it still got more Oscar nominations than Shame. Spare me.

Perhaps you’re all sick of us banging on about how we really don’t need a remake of Chan-wook Park marvellous action/thriller Oldboy, but surely the further down the list of candidates Spike Lee gets, the less of a good idea this must seem, even to him. We all know what’s going to happen; eventually it’s going to be announced that Spike Lee has found his Woo-jin, and he will have found Mary-Kate Olsen, and that’s what it will be and we’re going to have to write the words “Mary-Kate Olsen to star in Oldboy remake” and that’s when the world will be finished. We don’t want that, and neither do you, Spike Lee. Stay tuned for endless horror, and here’s hoping that Lee will turn his talents elsewhere.

Spike Lee’s remake has already lost two potential antagonists in the shape of Christian Bale and Colin Firth – the former was too busy and the latter too sensible – and Rooney Mara has also rejected Lee’s offer of the lead female role. However, the most recent news is that Jane Eyre star Mia Wasikowska may be considering the same part.

There would at least be a pleasing symmetry in this casting, as Wasikowska is also starring in Stoker – the first English-language film from Park Chan-wook, whose career was jump-started when he directed the original Oldboy. It’s also worth noting that Clive Owen has already worked with Spike Lee on 2006′s Inside Man, which we suppose might count for something. Perhaps.

Santa, if you’re listening… burn the script, or give Josh Brolin a short-lived but deeply inconvenient illness, or just have Spike Lee dropped through a wormhole into an alternate universe where he can remake films we don’t care about. Please? It’s all we want for Christmas…

How do you feel about all this? Let it out, it’s Christmas…

Look, Spike, it’s about time you read the signs. No-one wants your remake, OK? The idea of Josh Brolin trying to recreate the infamous squid-eating scene with what will probably be some gourmet sushi is soul-burning, and as for tampering with The Corridor Fight Scene (you know which scene we mean) – frankly it’s grotesque. We’re certainly glad that we’re not going to have to watch Firth get around the final showdown by doing lovely English talking in place of any combat whatsoever (oh come on, he was never going to get gnarly), but the danger remains, ever hanging, like some horrifyingly relevant final narrative twist. Who’s next on your wish list? Anne Hathaway? Is that what you want? ‘Anne Hathaway stars in Oldboy as Adrian’? You’re sick. Just stop it, Spike Lee. Go back to making substandard films like Miracle At St Anna and leave Oldboy alone.

The maverick director, who has vowed never to appear in public again following his undignified expulsion from the Cannes film festival this summer over a perceived pro-Nazi bias, accepted his award through his wife Bente Froge. Oddly, this is the second consecutive year that the Best Film prize has not been accepted in person by its director, after poor old house-arrested Roman Polanski was forced to accept via Skype last year.

When accepting the prize, Froge said that “I should say from Lars that he has no statement for you. But he did ask that I should wave to you in a kind and gentle way,” which is basically the best thing to happen at an award ceremony since this:

We love you, Hugh. ANYWAY, the other major prizes went to director Susanne Bier (In A Better World), actors Colin Firth and Tilda Swinton (The King’s Speech and We Need to Talk About Kevin) and the multitalented Dardenne brothers, who were on this occasion being honored for their screenwriting (in The Kid with a Bike). Melancholia also won awards for cinematography and production design, whilst The King’s Speech completed its own hattrick with the Editing and People’s Choice prizes.

Belgian director Hans Van Nuffel won the Prix Fipresci (Best Debut Director) with Oxygen, whilst the Documentary prize went to Wim Wenders for Pina and Chico & Rita won Best Animated Feature. Terry Gilliam won Best Short Film with The Wholly Family, Best Composer went to Ludovic Bource (The Artist), Mads Mikkelsen won European Achievement in World Cinema like a LAD and Stephen Frears was handed the Lifetime Achievement Award. The Special Honorary Award went to French actor Michel Piccoli, and The European Co-Production Award was awarded to The Secret in their Eyes producer Mariela Besuievsky.

We make that six prizes to the UK. Winning!

You can guarantee that, if something’s worth doing, Barbie’s already done it. That shrewd little blonde is actually quite an astute businesswoman, after all. If you’re wondering which role she’s going to be taking, it’s the main one (obviously!); meet Eden Starling, the sexy female version of Ebenezer Scrooge. She’s a singing diva (read: dick) in Victorian London and is planning to make everyone rehearse on Christmas Day. What a SELFISH act! Thank goodness those three famous ghosts rock in and show her the error of her ways.

Okay, so it’s awful. Awful awful. But fantasy, self-centred tantrums and toys are what Christmas is all about, aren’t they?

#9 – The Smurfs: A Christmas Carol

I don’t even want to talk about this one. Pretend you didn’t see it…

#8 – Mickey’s Christmas Carol

Mickey Mouse? As Scrooge? You’ve GOT to be bloody joking… oh wait, he’s not. He’s Bob Cratchit. How very out of character for him. And Scrooge McDuck is Ebenezer Scrooge. It’s nice to see that the Disney crew are mad about stretching their acting sensibilities, isn’t it? Bloody hell.

#7 – Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past

Why stop at Christmas when you can apply the three ghost rule to dating? Matthew McConaughey is a ladies-man-commitment-phobic-borderline-alcoholic-sex-maniac and, on the night of his brother’s wedding, is visited by the ghost of Michael Douglas. Weird? Sure, it’s a little bit weird, but it gets odder when he is then HAUNTED by the ghosts of girlfriends past, present and future. Jennifer Garner gets involved as a bashfully blinking love interest. She does love blinking, doesn’t she? Anyway, it’s actually quite funny and an interesting twist on the old formula.

Well, it’s definitely better than Barbie anyway.

#6 – A Christmas Carol (1938)

Apparently this film is “Greater than David Copperfield!” Always good to know. That’s pretty much how I go about judging the high-quality of my film-book adaptations to be honest. “Is it better than David Copperfield? No? Well, get it the Dickens outta here then!” Ahem. Needless to say, this is a pretty true-to-book account of the story AND it’s in black and white, so you can watch it and feel intellectual. As Charlie Sheen would say, A Christmas Carol (1938) is WINNING!

#5 – Christmas Carol: The Movie

This is actually quite a fun version of the Dickensian classic; first of all, we have the additional character of Gabriel, a little mouse, which obviously entertains us beyond our wildest dreams. Secondly, we split between live action and animation (keeping us on our toes!). Thirdly, Scrooge isn’t just a mean old miser, he’s a viable culprit in the death of Tiny Tim – he throws a bucket of freezing water over the poor little guy and causes him to fall prey to pneumonia. Monstrous.

Finally, Kate Winslet is in it. Kate “I’m a bloody firebraving hero” Winslet. AND SHE SINGS TOO! It’s a gift that just keeps on giving…

#4 – A Christmas Carol (2009)

You know what would make A Christmas Carol even better? If Jim Carrey played every single character or, at the very least, most of the characters. And maybe if Gary Oldman was there somewhere. Ooh and Colin Firth. Which is why A Christmas Carol (2009) is the best version of the film ever… wait, it’s motion capture animation? Back to Number 4 you go, Carrey!

#3 – Scrooged

How can we update an old classic? With Bill Murray as a cynically selfish TV executive, that’s how! Oh, he still gets haunted by three spirits bearing lessons. He still does it on Christmas Eve. However, his name is no longer Ebenezer; it’s Frank. Frank gives his family bath towels at Christmas. Every year. Bloody Dick(ens). He’ll get his comeuppance, don’t you worry… in fact, he gets Scrooged. Hence the title. Clever, huh?

#2 – Scrooge (1951)

“If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips should be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart”.

What’s that? The most famous line of the book has been OMITTED from the script? Insanity. And that is why I’ve placed the film widely regarded as the best film adaptation of the story at number 2… I’m giddy with power!

#1 – The Muppet Christmas Carol

Muppets! Michael Caine! Muppets! Music! EVEN MORE MUPPETS!!! It’s whimsical, we learn our lessons, jellybeans take on a newfound vital importance, Gonzo is Charles Dickens and the Ghost of Christmas Future looks just like a Dementor. A short and clumsy Dementor. IT CAN ONLY BE THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL!!!

Even Muppet-haters (and there are some out there, believe it or not) have conceded that this is an excellent festive film; heartwarming, hilarious and generally wonderful, life-affirming film. Screw all the others, just watch this one. Although I offer one warning; do not go marching into English Literature for your lesson on the Dickens classic and proudly proclaim you know everything there is to know… only to mention that there are two Marleys. There aren’t, okay? You’ll just look stupid. Trust me!

Yiesh. It’s nothing to be proud of, trust us. From what we can remember, Bridget (Renee Zellweger) is a chain-smoking man-whoring cooking hazard with a taste for making Mark Darcy (Colin Firth) and Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant) squirm like the little British worms they are. That’s mean of us. And it’s not true either; Colin Firth isn’t a British worm.

Nevertheless, a third installment is on the cards and this time around, Bridget’s got herself up the duff. Colin Firth spilled his guts on the plot:

“I can tell you that Bridget and Mark can’t have children, I think that’s the way it goes on… so then she makes the huge mistake of going back to Daniel Cleaver for long enough to get pregnant. And I think he dumps her, and she’s left stranded, and guess who comes back to rescue her?”

It’s Mark Darcy, isn’t it? We bet Mark Darcy comes back to rescue her. Just like he did in the other two films. Although why he bothers when Bridget has proven to be completely unfaithful for a third time running is beyond us. We may have to mail him “Loving Yourself”, just so he can find the inner strength to get out of this toxic relationship.

Peter Cattaneo, the brains behind The Full Monty, will be directing the project, which gives us high hopes for a witty and fast-paced affair. With nudity. Especially Firthian nudity. The original cast are all set to return and, with filming scheduled for early next year, there’s a good chance it’ll be hitting cinemas for Christmas 2012. How exciting!

Can you wait to see Bridget Jones Junior? Why?