LOL in this case stands for “Kill us all now please please let us die”.

Oh Jesus! Oh no! It can’t b… oh. As Steinem. Not Linda. Phew!

It’s Saturday morning – you’d planned to get up early and make the most of the day, but instead you hid under the covers until quarter to eleven like a shut-in with a passion for snuggliness. You’re such a failure. But never mind – if you’re not going to experience the world first-hand, you can just catch up on the best of the week’s movie news with our regular round-up!

You put your Chloë in, your Demi out, in out in out watch Amanda Seyfried have sex at gunpoint. That’s how it goes, isn’t it?

GET IT OUT, BRODY

Ever wondered whether innocent midwives seriously questioned their careers after watching that alien explode from John Hurt’s chest? So have we. Some careers and films just don’t go together – and we’re here to make sure your movie-watching practises don’t get you scarred for life. Especially if you’ve carved a brilliant career in scar detection or something. SPOILERS AHOY!

Everything sells, if you know how to convince the public to dig deep into their wallets and purses. In these economically-challenged times when we should be saving not spending, the clamour for must-have goods – or goods we’ve been told are must-have – is as strong as ever. The Joneses is a timely satire about consumerism run rampant and the catastrophe that awaits a credit-driven society determined to buy now and pay later – much, much later.

You know what we enjoy doing? Going to the future. We also enjoy going back to the future, but we’ve had copyright problems with that before. The point is, we’ve risked life and limb to discover what films are hitting our screens in upcoming weeks. Don’t ask us how we’ve done it. All we’ll say is that the Wikipedia Towers of the future are a terrifying and overly bear-guarded place. So, should you save our pennies for an upcoming epic, or splurge like there’s no tomorrow on the flicks out now? We’ve got the answers right here.