ZOMG HE PLAYED W.H.O. DOCTOR WHAT DOES BRAD PITT KNOW THAT WE DON’T
Everyone loves a time-travel movie. Everyone. It’s the ultimate dream; to be able to flit back through time and tell your younger self to stop after the sixth Jägerbomb; to flit forward in time and find out the lottery numbers; to visit the dinosaurs (ill-advised) or our inevitably dystopian future (iller-advised). Of course, it’s all fantasy, and the fact that it’s impossible causes all sorts of consternation among nerds, who try and puzzle the various internal logics of such films until the wee small hours. Time-travel movies are great; but they’re also bloody confusing.
Matt Smith (yes, Doctor Who) and Eva Green (yes, Eva Green) made this in 2010. Originally called Womb, it had to be rebranded as Clone for the UK DVD release. The story of a woman who clones and gives birth to her dead boyfriend, you’d think this would be amazing sci-fi, or at least amazingly bad, but in fact it’s just a beautifully shot, but painfully dull story, lacking the gross factor, the sci-fi factor or even the moral debate about the concept of cloning factor. Matt Smith is great though.
There’s going to be a Doctor Who movie materialising in cinemas soon, most likely with that weird whoooshing sound effect. Now if they want to do this, it turns out they’re going to need an actor to play the Doctor (we were as shocked as you were). So we thought we’d give the film producers a hand, and let you all know our picks for who would make superb Doctors Whos.
Big Momma is back for a third joyless excursion into ‘let’s-all-laugh-at-the-silly-black-woman-because-it-doesn’t-count-as-racism’ territory, which now features a second ridiculous fat-suited goon – now with extra rapping!. I hope Martin Lawrence spends his evenings thinking about how he’d be more use to humanity as fertiliser, sobbing onto his immorally inflated bank statements.