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Bail Enforcers

We didn’t expect much from a film starring a wrestler. But we did expect a film starring a lady wrestler to not be relentlessly sexist. WELL SUE US FOR SHOWING A LITTLE OPTIMISM.

Madonna’s ‘directorial debut’ (which is actually nothing of the sort, it’s just that her last film was so shit she’s pretending it doesn’t exist) is such a flagrant exercise in cinematic wish-fulfilment that it’s almost not worth pointing out. Contemporary American material girl in an unhappy marriage looks to the most glamorous woman in the world and her controversial transformation into the star of the English gentry? W.E. is unforgivable.

Underworld Awakening

Underworld is back, and having tempted Kate Beckinsale back into the franchise’s trademark catsuit it isn’t long before she is jumping off of really tall buildings only to land silently as though nothing has changed. While this might still constitute somewhat of a return to form for the series, however, we are still left wondering how exactly it earned one sequel, let alone three.

Tomorrow, When the War Began

As I understand it, there’s a genre of young adult dystopian fiction which sees teenagers or children dealing with issues and stuff in post-apocalyptic or distressing settings of some description. The ‘Tomorrow’ series, by Australian author John Marsden, is one example. Tomorrow, When The War Began is the first in this series, and it’s now a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. Or a quietly released DVD.

Top 10 Film Death Quotes

So you’re a character in a film. Congratulations! And you’re about to meet your onscreen death. Ah, not so great. Still, you’ve got time to say a single line. A line that has the chance to be immortalised in cinema history. A line that will be quoted time and time again by pop culture nerds in bad accents. What do you say? Well, let’s look at some of the all-time greats for a bit of inspiration.
(SPOILERS SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS)

Immortals

Oh hi, Tarsem Singh. Ever heard of Icarus? Yeah, he was the son of Daedalus, escaped from Crete with wings made of wax, all that. Dead? Yeah, he’s dead – flew too close to the sun, arrogant little tit. Hubristic? Yeah, I suppose he was – still, at least he didn’t have the gall to make Immortals. Did he, Tarsem Singh? DID HE?

Deep Winter

The wait is over. The moment has finally come. A ski film starring Michael Madsen, Kellan Lutz AND Luke Goss. Well, actually the moment came three years ago, but whatever. The real question is, what is Luke Goss of Eighties band Bros fame doing in this film? And why do people have names like ‘Kellan Lutz’?

We Need to Talk About Kevin

A superbly upsetting film, We Need to Talk About Kevin sees Lynne Ramsay and Tilda Swinton join forces to emotionally brutalise their audience in a fantastically realised adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s beast of a book.

Paranormal Activity 3

Look, Paranormal Activity, you’re a smart, scary franchise, I know you could do better than this if you applied yourself. 1988 is not a scary year, and creepy children are seriously overdone. Supernatural horror in the heart of suburbia? Sounds brilliant. Witches? Not so much.

Real Steel

D’you know what Million Dollar Baby needed? A scruffy kid with big eyes, Evangeline Lilly, and MASSIVE ROBOTS. Hugh ‘all the genres, all of the time, so long as I get to be buff’ Jackman stars in an unreasonably enjoyable sci-fi sports extravaganza which will leave you wondering why Hollywood has never before made a robot fight a 2000lb bull.