Escape real-life horror this 2011 with the lovely dark thrill of the cinema. We’ve got a grab-bag of the top (nearly) 30 best horror films in 2011, from franchise blockbuster to indie foreign horror. Actually, 28. We had 30 but the last two were rubbish.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Apart from very new couples who are still overdosing on saccharine, there really isn’t a single adult human – taken or unattached – who enjoys its enforced affection and awkward present-buying. Of course, the torture is worse if you know you’re planning to ditch your other half but still have to lavish them with contrived pseudo-love – and that’s where we come in…

This update on the original ‘video nasty’ ups the ante not only on its predecessor, but on the entire torture porn genre. Low on chills and high on squirm-inducing “thrills”, it trades on the original’s notoriety while outstripping it on production values, acting and gore. If you go down to the woods today you may not be in for a big surprise… but take some nausea tablets just in case.