Tweeting this past Monday, Taylor said that “The rumours regarding my engagement simply aren’t true. Jason is my manager and dearest friend. I love him with all my heart.” Marriage to Winters, 48, would surely have seen Dame Elizabeth usurp both Demi Moore and Courtney Cox as Hollywood’s leading cougar.

Gutted that Dame Lizzy T won’t be walking up the aisle for the ninth time or relieved by this online engagement denial? Let us know below…

At least we can count on Disney – unstoppable global terror that it is – to provide us with some respite. Disney films, no matter what, can be counted on to give us some joy, to feed us a shiny apple of hope in the depression-fried meal that we call life. But even big dog Disney needs inspiration. And a lot of the time, inspiration comes from existing tales, from history, from myths, from life itself. But life, as we have discussed, is often about as full of light as the inside of a handbag inside a mouth.

We’ve taken a look at the inspiration for five of our favourite Disney films, and discovered that the stories behind them aren’t quite as full of singing ducks and endless cake as we first thought. Take a breath, take a look, and cling on to the good times. Don’t say we didn’t warn you…

The Lion King

The Disney Story

Released in 1994, The Lion King has delighted young and old with its wonderful songs, loveable characters and it’s disturbing ability to make you fancy cartoon lions. Simba battles his evil uncle Scar for control of his murdered father’s pride of lions, and eventually goodness triumphs, leaving Simba in charge and Scar thrown to his hyenary death. Hurroooaaar!

The Real Story

The story is actually based on Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the tale of a boy who’s father, the King of Denmark, is murdered by his uncle so that he can marry the Queen. This story has origins in Scandinavian legend, and actually ends with everyone dying horribly, either in battle or by poisoning. Sorry Simba. Oh and really, Nala goes mental and drowns herself in a river. Not sure what the accompanying musical number to go with that scene would be…

The Little Mermaid

The Disney Story

A story of how true love will triumph, even if you are a bit inconveniently a fish. A young mermaid swaps her voice for some legs, and with the help of some delicious friends convinces a fairly dull Prince that she’d be perfect Queen fodder. Singing, dancing and lots of skimpy underwater clothing, The Little Mermaid teaches us to never stop dreaming those big, leg-based dreams. In your FACE octopus monster woman.

The Real Story

The story was originally written by Hans Christian Andersen, and for those who don’t know, Hans probably had a mum that wished he’d been born a girl, as well as a lot of angry, angry time on his hands. In his version, the mermaid does gets her legs in exchange for her voice, but every step she takes feels like knives are being embedded in her skin. The Prince likes having her around, but eventually dumps her for someone a bit chattier. Without a chipper and slightly racist crab friend to cheer her up, the little mermaid dies, dissolving into a foam and disappears forever. Jesus.

Mulan

The Disney Story

The tale of a plucky young girl taking on the entire Hun army in order to show that the ladies can be well hard too. She makes her parents proud, falls in love with a Chinese warrior general and cracks a lot of jokes with Eddie Murphy in lizard form. Though she is found out as a woman, in the end she saves all of China and gets honoured as The Best Person To Ever Do Stuff Ever by the Emperor. To be honest, this army life sounds like one big party to us, especially with all the singing the soldiers seem to do all the time.

The Real Story

The legend of Mulan has been around for many, many years, and was immortalized in an ancient poem The Ballad Of Mulan. In it, as with the Disney version, a young girl secretly joins the Chinese Army in order that her father would not have to serve The difference is that although she was indeed honoured as a great solider, she was honoured as a man. Mulan never came clean as a woman until many, many years later as she was terrified – and with good reason – that she would be very, very murdered by the Chinese Government for deception, war hero or not. Sing it loud, and sing it proud, indeed.

Pocahontas

The Disney Story

The central message of this lovely, terrifying-tree based tale is that you must stay true to your roots, know your place in the world and seek out your own path in life. Though Pocahontas loves John Smith (for baffling, unknown reasons), she knows her place is with her Native American family and they part, knowing that their destinies lie not with each other.

The Real Story

Yeah, you know why they don’t lie with each other? It’s cos the real Pocahontas never actually fancied the lisping painting that was John Smith. However, when John Rolfe turned up after Smith had minced off back to England, Poca-babe was more than happy to shoot off to England forever. And to add insult to injury, she died a year later. We bet John was secretly a bit smug about that.

Hercules

The Disney Story

A boy who has to prove his worth to big dog Zeus and mum Hera, a long training process to become a hero, and an eventual decision to stay on earth with his true love – it’s enough to make you weep. Herc swaps an immortal life with his family for lots of mortal sex on Earth (fair enough), and teaches us all that when we find where we belong, we won’t need to prove our worth to anyone. Sob!

The Real Story

Yeah that’s nice and all, but Disney forgot to mention that actually Herc was concieved by Zeus and some mortal chick, making him a Godless bastard that Hera actually hated with the power of a thousand knives. And true, he did marry a lass call Megera, but in a slightly unfortunate twist, he also went mad and murdered all their kids. And her as well. Still, he went on to have like seven more wives, so that’s something to sing about, right?

A Roman Centurion decides to have a big massive solider wee off the top of a battlement (why? Because he’s a freakin Roman solider and they can do whatever the hell they want, alright?). He gets out his Roman manhood, grunts in a Roman-y way and lets rip, like only a Roman can. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he gets stabbed from below – in the arse, just to confirm – right up his jacksey like a kebab with a helmet on. Mid wee. Down he falls. Probably into the wee. Let war commence!

Yes, or no? If the above sounds like damn good fun, then Centurion is for you (and definitely for us). If not, maybe go see The Princess and The Frog or something, where there’s decidedly less arse-stabbings (almost none).

Bringing The Legend To Life

Centurion explores the legend of the Ninth Legion; a tale in which approximately 5000 Roman soldiers -the legion – were massacred in Scotland by the Picts; a rival British army sick of Roman rule. Director Neil Marshall happily admits that he is not trying for historical accuracy with his film, that he wanted to use the legend as a starting point to make a Roman/British thriller.

Marshall’s tale follows a small gang of Romans who survive the horrific Pict attack. Led by Quintas Dias (Michael Fassbender), the men that are left have to try and rescue their leader (Dominic West) from the enemy before they are picked off one by one. The plot centres on the chase between the remaining soldiers, and the vengeful Picts who are determined to wipe out every last Roman they can find. Led by mute tracker Etain (Olga Kurylenko), there is no-one the Pict warriors cannot find, and soon the exhausted, wounded and desperate Romans have to decide, when should soldiers run, and when is the time to fight?

Don’t Try And Keep Count…

Centurion’s plot is very simple, it is essentially a chase movie with a lot – and we mean a lot – of violence. We don’t want to give everything away, but just don’t get too attached to many of the characters, because if there’s one thing Neil Marshall seems to like most, it’s people getting hacked to death. And to be fair, the fight scenes look and sound great – particularly the one-on-one battles between Etain (Kurylenko) and the Roman generals. The pans across the misty Scottish moors are both beautiful and effective, drawing us into an ancient world where tensions run high and blood runs – well, bloody everywhere.

Not Built In A Day

If we were to critique Centurion, it would be for its lack of interesting characters, and lack of character interaction throughout. There are the ‘good’ people, the ‘bad’ ones, and generally speaking everyone on screen does exactly what you think they’re going to do. Because of the lack of character depth, there’s not really a lot of opportunity for light relief; everyone is too busy being cliche ‘troubled soldiers’ to show any real flashes of humanity, which makes all the conversation rather one-note, and rather like this-

Soldier “I cannot go on”
Other Solider “We have to go on”
Soldier “You must leave me here”
Other Solider “I shall not leave you”
Soldier “Oh, alright then, cool, cheers mate” (maybe not so much the last line)

In essence, this is a armour-clanging, moody makeup and dripping-swords slasher, with some sophisticated shots and a lot of great action. It may not leave you particularly thoughtful after watching, but by thunder it’s entertaining. And at the end of the day, it makes you want to buy a sword. Which is always good, right?

For this reason, we’ve decided to take a stand. It’s time for the truth to be told. No more shall children wander around the Byzantine Literature section with heavy hearts and slimeless faces! No more shall we waste time researching words like ‘Byzantine’ before we include them in articles! Next time you want a genuine cinematic thrill, take your pick from the films below, a countdown of the five truest thrill-flicks in history. Admittedly, some are more Coco Pop truth than whole-grain Shredded Wheat truth, but hey, that’s what life and unnecessarily confusing cereal-based metaphors are all about. Grab your viewing spoon, and dig in.

5.The Mothman Prophecies

The Film Version:

The 2002 film told of the ‘true story’ of the mysterious Mothman – a hideous monster whose appearances in a small town in West Virginia foretell disastrous events. Though the beast never manages to predict Richard Gere’s terrible performance as a Detective Constable, it’s sightings eventually lead to the foretelling and collapse of a major bridge, killing many people – along with Richard’s career.

The Actual Version:

As far as records go, there were sightings of a strange creature in Point Pleasance, West Virginia between 1966 and 1967, with red eyes and large wings. He was dubbed ‘The Mothman’ by local press, and by all accounts, he was on the freaky side of weird looking. However, sadly there is little (and by little, we mean seriously nothing) to suggest he had anything to do with the town bridge collapsing in 1967. Given that most sightings described him as around 6 foot, experts now say that the most likely explanation is that some guy strapped some wings to his back and gamboled around with some shiny lights for the poops and giggles of it. Which, ironically, sounds much more like a film we’d want to watch.

4. The Exorcist

The Film Version:

The original scare-your-pants-off tale of a 12-year-old girl possessed by the devil, whose mother is desperate to save her from the demonic grip. After seeking medical and psychiatric help, in desperation mum brings in two priests to perform an exorcism, and, well, we all know what happens next. Pea soup, anyone?

The Actual Version:

The film is based on a book by William Peter Blatty, who was inspired to write the story after reading about a real life exorcism in Maryland in 1949. The victim in question was actually a 13 year old boy named Robbie, who apparently began to suffer from symptoms of possession. According to records, the change in behaviour started after Robbie used an Ouija board to contact his dead aunt. Though being a 13-year-old boy everyone probably just thought he was reacting badly to having funny feelings for his cousins and all that bizarre hair growth. A priest was called in to banish the satanic spirit that had taken hold of the boy, and things returned to normal without any of that pesky 360 degree head spin bother. Teenagers, eh?

3. The Hills Have Eyes

The Film Version

So, happy family members, who confusingly mostly seem to be called called Bob, take a wee drive through a desert and happen to encounter a load of mutants. Who are also cannibals. And who are essentially impossible to kill. And they’re hungry. Hungry for people called Bob. What follows is a little like a live-action episode of Where’s Wally, except instead of Wally, it’s lots of impossible-to-kill hungry mutant cannibals, and instead of finding him, the key is to not find him. Ever. Which all the characters are really bad at.

The Actual Version

This is another case of film-makers messing too much with story that needs no messing with. The film is actually based on the British legend of Alexander “Sawney” Bean, a Scotsman who – along with 40 devout followers in the 16th century – decided to renounce warm beds and haggis and instead wanted to go live as cannibals in some caves. The man must have been one sweet talker. Legend has it that Sawney and crew captured and ate over 1000 people hiding out in the Scottish hills over a period of 25 years before being caught and put to death. Come on, that has Oscar potential written all over it. What would you rather watch, a sandy half-seen mutant hunting bland American meat, or 40 mad bearded men wearing skirts chasing other men in skirts across glens screaming “and I’ll get yer liver before ye!” Case closed.

2. Rosemary’s Baby

The Film Version

Newlyweds Rosemary and Guy have just moved to an apartment in New York, and Rosie is desperate to get their first child on the way. After meeting their neighbours, an almost weirdly friendly older couple named Minnie and Roman, Minnie discovers that their building has a history of witchcraft and murder, and fears for the future of her unborn child. As Guy gets more intimate with Minnie and Roman, Rosemary becomes frantically worried that the older couple want to use their child as a sacrifice to the devil. But the truth is much, much worse….

The Actual Version

OK, the reason this film has made it to number 2 is not because of how truthfully the film relates to reality, but because of how absolutely brilliant the “true story” actually is. According to our (extensive and not Wikipedia-based at all) research, the inspiration for this film is the story of “The Devil Baby of Hull House”, a Chicago legend that tells of a child being born with scales, devil horns, pointed ears and a tail. If that wasn’t awesome enough, the legend goes on to say that whilst trying to baptise the young devil-ling, the baby escaped, and started dancing around, laughing its little scaly face off. Eventually it was captured and thrown into an attic, where presumably it boogied its way back to big papa Satan. Imagine the CGI possibilities.

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Pyscho/Silence of Lambs

The Film Version

Slightly difficult as we’ve thrown three films into the mix here, but essentially all three films tell of a psychopathic murderer, who spends his time either a) Making fashionable attire out of women’s skin, b) being convinced that every woman he sees is the spitting image of his dead mother or c) Generally killing the hell out of anyone he damn well likes.

The Actual Version

The number one spot is taken by a man who managed to single-handedly inspire (at least) 11 films worth of disturbing murdering madness so far. The lucky fellow? A Wisconsin man by the name of Ed Gein. Ed was an interesting character, arrested in 1957 for committing two murders and digging up the corpses of countless other women who reminded him of his dead mother. He skinned the bodies to make lamp shades, socks and a “woman suit” in hopes of becoming a woman. He was professionally proclaimed insane – money well spent on psychiatrists there – and spent the rest of his life in a mental institution, presumably after being given some new socks.

So there you have it, our guide to disappointment-free hysteria. Feel like we’ve missed anything? Tell us below!